A Colorless Sunrise
by choose joy xox
Summary: What do you do when the worst thing happens? As an unsuspecting Toby Cavanaugh is diagnosed with cancer he had to learn to go on. He has to fight for his life and learn how to make things okay for the ones that love him. A prequel to Let's Go Back to the Start.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my new story! It's a sequel/prequel to my older story "Let's Go Back to the Start." You don't necessarily HAVE to read that one first, but you REALLY REALLY REALLY should. This will make sense if you read it first, but it will also spoil things that are better left as a mystery in Let's Go Back to the Start. So PLEASE read that one first.**

**99% of this will be from Toby's POV, but if the chapter calls for it I might sneak a little Spencer in. Enjoy this chapter, because it turns into an emotional roller coaster from here! Next chapter will be up around Monday, maybe? Please review and let me know what you're thinking, okay!?**

Chapter 1

He hated being sick. He could remember being a little boy, crying in his mother's arms because he wanted nothing more than to go to school. Even at 6 years old, just laying on the couch all day was intolerable. But for the past week, maybe longer if he were honest with himself, he barely had the energy to move, let alone go to work.

When he was six all that he would miss would be the newest kindergarten drama on the playground and his choice of coloring pages to scribble on during art class. But now his laziness had consequences for both himself and Spencer. That girl, his beautiful wife, owned every part of his heart, and he refused to leave the burden of providing for them to her; especially with her entering her last year of graduate school. She had more than enough to deal with. Maybe he could pick up a couple doubles next week to make up for he was missing this week.

"Toby?"

He started as her soft, melodic voice traveled across the small apartment. He hadn't heard her come in, signifying the intensity of his thought process. The sudden movement caused his stomach to churn, but he fought to keep his face straight, not wanting to worry her. "Hey," he smiled, reaching out for her. "How was class?"

"It was fine." Her answer was distracted as she leaned in and pressed her lips to his forehead. His hands reflexively found their way to her waist in a dual purpose. He wanted to steady her, but he always wanted to be as close to her as she would allow. Nearly 10 years together and his love and his attraction for her only grew; even when he thought it wasn't possible, that he was on full, it still grew.

"Toby, you're burning up. Do you feel any better at all?" She slid down and curled up next to him on the couch. There wasn't a lot of room between her and the edge, but that was okay. He wouldn't let her fall.

The fact that he had a fever surprised him, because he was actually freezing. But having her body pressed against his was already doing more to help than any blanket could. "I feel-" he considered lying to her, but they didn't do that. It was always the truth when it came to the two of them. " No," he sighed. "I think I feel worse, if I'm being completely honest."

"Okay," she said in her business voice. The voice she used when she was going to get bossy and not take no for an answer. He was 100% sure that he was the only person in the world that found it endearing, but even still he couldn't stop a small smile. "I'm going to call the doctor and see if he can get you in tomorrow."

"Spencer-" he began, but she kept talking right over him.

"And then I'm going to run down the road and get you some soup. Chicken noodle is probably the best, but you don't really like that. Maybe some potato?" She looked down at him questioningly.

"I don't know if I'll be able to keep anything down," he admitted, absentmindedly running his fingers over the smooth skin of her forearm.

"You're going to try," she said seriously. She pulled out her phone and had a hushed conversation. The gentle pressure of her head against his chest and the soft vibration of her words comforted him more than anything had thus far. Spencer was honestly the only thing that could ever make him feel better.

She lifted her head from his chest and scooted back to sit by his feet as soon as she was off the phone. "They said that they could get you in first thing in the morning. What can I do for you now?"

He scooted up so that he was sitting up straight and reached out for her, lightly grabbing onto her arms. "Can we just lay here and watch a movie or something? At the risk of sounding like a girl, I always feel better when you're here. And I just want to relax."

She smiled softly and nodded, reaching out to brush the back of her hand across his cheek. Her smile faded as she caught sight of his arm. She pulled it out and brushed her fingers gently along his arm. "What happened?" She asked him.

"What are you-" he began, but trailed off as he saw the smattering of bruises along his arm. "I don't even know. I've done nothing but sit here all day."

She looked up at him, and the apprehension was obvious in her eyes. He hated worrying her, especially about something so stupid. He was just sick. "Hey. I'm fine, I'm totally fine."

Her dubious look told him that he needed to try harder. "Remember the first time you got drunk in front of me?" He laughed, leaning forward to press his forehead against hers. It was a constant struggle whether to stay away from her so she didn't get sick or to give her the physical contact that he knew was the only thing that would comfort her.

She laughed softly, leaning further into him. "We said we'd never speak of that!"

The feeling of her skin against his did more to warm him than an infinite number of blankets. She was healthy, moderately happy, and taken care of, and that meant everything in the world to him. "Yeah, well I think about it all the time, because it was adorable."

_"Cavanaugh," Caleb laughed, dragging him by his arm into the living room. "I came to check on Hanna and this is what I found. Take care of it, will you?"_

_He heard it before he saw it. A shrill woo filled his ears. He recognized his girlfriend's voice, but he had never heard it make a sound quite like that. "Are they drunk?" He chuckled._

_"As a skunk," Caleb confirmed. "I think they broke into Spencer's dad's tequila stash."_

_"But why?" He had known Spencer for majority of his life, and he never knew her to be the drinking type. This had to be for a purpose._

_"Hanna's not the best drunk texter, but I think it had something to do with Spencer getting into UPenn."_

_A surge of pride shot through his entire body at his girlfriend's accomplishments. She had worked so hard, sacrificed so much. And she did it. She was on the verge of accomplishing all of her dreams._

_"Toby!" She yelled as she noticed him entering the room, much too loudly for the enclosed space that they were in. "Toby, I did it!" She charged at him and ran into his open arms._

_He laughed and lifted her into the air, spinning around once or twice before being distracted by her lips passionately attacking his. "I did it," she murmured, moving her lips from his own to his neck. "I did it! I got into UPenn!"_

_"I heard!" He couldn't stop his smile from growing of its own accord. It stretched until it felt like if he smiled anymore his face would split in half. He was so proud of her, and maybe that's what love was. It was feeling this immense sense of joy and pride for the other's accomplishments. She deserved the world, and she was on the precipice of getting everything that she ever wanted. "I'm so, so incredibly proud of you, baby. I'm so proud of you."  
><em>

_She grinned at him for a second before her smile turned sour. She wriggled out of his tight embrace and stumbled onto the floor, bending at her waist and emptying the contents of her stomach right on his shoes._

She groaned, shaking her head. "That was decidedly not adorable, Toby. I puked my guts outs on your shoes."

"Bur you were so excited," he insisted. "You were so happy that it literally didn't even matter."

She rolled her eyes and leaned in to kiss him again. "You're sweet, but it's not distracting me. You're going to the doctor, okay?"

He nodded. It wasn't that he was as worried as she was, but he had been sick a few times in his 27 years. This just felt different. He felt weak, achy... just different. It would be better to be safe than sorry for sure.

"I can skip my morning class to come with you if you want," she offered hopefully. She already knew what he was going to say.

He shook his head. "No way. Your semester just started, Spence. You can't be skipping already. Besides, I'll be fine. The doctor will probably just laugh at me and tell me to go get some cough medicine at CVS."

"But the bruises," she muttered, tracing along them like they were a connect the dot game.

"Are probably purely coincidental," he finished her sentence not at all in the way that she was probably going to, but it was alright. "Everything will be fine, Spencer."

He grabbed the remote off of the couch and flipped through the channels before settling on Jeopardy. "Now get back over here and remind me how smart you are."

_"This man was the fourth president of the United States."_

"James Madison," Spencer answered as she crawled back across the couch and settle in his arms.

He wrapped a strong arm around her shoulder, a bit more securely than usual. "I just want you to remember one thing, Spence. If you forget everything else I've ever told you, remember this. You'll never alone. Not even for a single second." He knew that to an outside observer that his words may sound more serious than the situation called for, but those people didn't know his wife like he did. He knew that her worry over his being sick stemmed from her fear of abandonment. But he would never leave her, not for anything in the world. That was something that she never had to worry about when it came to him.

At his words she wilted into him, twisting her neck to give him another kiss.

_"Who is James Monroe?"_

Spencer broke away with a groan, shooting an incredulous glare at the tv. "Are you kidding? Did you skip third grade history?! It's James Madison!"

He didn't just chuckle this time. The indigent frustration on her face sent him into a full on peel of hysterical laughter. God he loved her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Remember, this story is from Toby's POV. So if flashbacks and memories aren't identical to Let's Go Back to the Start it's because he might remember it differently or different things might stand out to him. Just keep that in mind.**

**Next chapter is done, and I SOOOOOBBED when I wrote it. THIS WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA. If I'm giving myself feels I'm going to kill you all. :(. SORRY NOT SORRY. Just review and tell me how much you hate me for making you cry lol.**

**ALSO THE REVIEWS?! I got to give KrisTheFangirl a shoutout, because that was the sweetest review ever! Happy Birthday! Mine was the 22nd, so we're almost birthday twins! I'll consider your AMAZING REVIEW your present to me :)**

Chapter 2

The cold blast of the air conditioning hit him like punch to the gut. He had hoped that a good night's sleep would help him feel better, but it hadn't. He supposed that in a way he felt better. He felt less sick and more weak. Dragging himself into the hospital felt like an impossible task. And to Spencer's chagrin more mysterious bruises popped up on his body. The more he thought about it the more convinced he was that something was wrong. But he wouldn't let himself worry about it until he knew for sure, if not for his own sake than for Spencer's. Because she was much more prone to irrational panic than he was.

"Toby Cavanaugh?"

He had scarcely entered the waiting room before a nurse called his name. His wife must have put the fear of God into these poor people to inspire such prompt admittance, but he shouldn't have been surprised. She had always been good at that. He smiled at the woman and followed her into the examining room. He absentmindedly went through the motions: getting weighed, blood pressure, temperature, awkward questions about his sex life. That part was easy.

As the nurse left he picked up a pamphlet about syphilis and skimmed the symptoms and effects, feeling sorry for the poor bastards that were cursed with that particular disease. Doctor's offices always had the worst reading material.

Just as he was about to skim over a booklet about the problem's of the second trimester of pregnancy the door squeaked open revealing his doctor. "Hello, Mr. Cavanaugh. I've been told that you aren't feeling well?"

Toby gave the man a friendly smile and moved to the examining table. His body ached with every step that he took, and he was still freezing, although he was certain that he had a fever. "Yeah, it's been a couple days now. Fever, chills, general weakness, aches and pains, random bruises... I'm pretty sure that it's just the flu, but my wife was worried."

Dr. Green smiled indulgently. "The things we do for the women that we love. You're probably right, but it's much better to be safe than sorry. So I'm going to send my nurse back in here to draw some blood. I'll call you later tonight with the results, but I wouldn't lose sleep over it."

He nodded and picked up the pamphlet on pregnancy as Dr. Green left the room. He couldn't stop his mind from wondering to a pregnant Spencer. It might have been premature, but he couldn't wait to see his wife one day carrying their child. She was always beautiful, but there would be something extraordinary about watching something that they created from their love growing inside of her.

Needles had never been his favorite thing, but the nurse was quick and efficient. It only took a moment, and he walked out of the hospital with the promise that they'd call him soon. Everyone seemed so optimistic, but he couldn't help but focus on the sense of dread that was settling in his stomach. What if something was wrong?

He only remembered feeling like this once before, only it was so much worse.

_Something was wrong. He didn't know what it was, but he knew deep in his gut that something bad was going to happen._

_"Man, I just killed you like eighteen times in a row. What's wrong with you?" Caleb tossed a throw pillow at him as he paused the game._

_"I just have a horrible feeling," he shrugged. "I'm probably being paranoid, but I can't shake it."_

_Caleb opened his mouth to respond, but was distracted by the ringing of his phone. He glanced at the screen. "Hanna," he sighed, flipping it open. "It's guys' night, baby. Shouldn't you be doing girly things with the girls?"_

_Toby watched as his face changed from amusement to concern in the span of a couple seconds. "What happened? Han, are you alright?"_

_When Caleb's eyes shot up to meet his he immediately knew. **Spencer. **"Where is she?"_

_"Where are you, babe? Try to calm down, okay? We'll be there soon." Caleb listened to her response and nodded shortly. "Okay. Give us five minutes, alright?"_

_Caleb ended the call and grabbed his keys off of the counter. "Don't even argue with me, Toby. We both know that you're in no shape to drive."_

_"Where are they?" His voice was flat and emotionless. Anyone would think that he didn't care, but that wasn't the case at all. He cared so much it felt like his heart may burst. But if he collapsed to the ground, an emotional wreck, he would be of no use to his girlfriend, who apparently needed him._

_"The hospital." He pocketed his keys. "I think it might actually be quicker if we walk."_

_Everything from there was a blur. The walk to the hospital, Hanna throwing herself into Caleb's arms when they entered the waiting room, Emily's hushed description of the car accident that had sent his girlfriend to the emergency room, the allusive behavior of the elder Hastings... it all ran together in his mind. He sat on a rigid chair in the corner of the room, absolutely set on not speaking until he found out whether or not Spencer was alright._

_He didn't know how long he had been sitting there for when Mrs. Hastings walked into the waiting room, her eyes searching the chairs. It might have been five minutes or five hours. Her eyes landed on him. "She's been asking for you."_

_He wanted to question her endlessly about Spencer's condition but knew that it wouldn't yield the results that he was hoping for. Her parents had never liked him, and they probably never would. It was more worthwhile to just go see her for himself. He committed her room number to memory and rushed through the hallways, wanting nothing more than to see her. He just needed to see that she was still breathing. He had to see it for himself, because he wouldn't believe it if he heard it from anyone else._

_His heart nearly leapt from his chest. When he entered the room the first thing he was struck by was how tiny she looked in the hospital bed surrounded by all of the life saving machinery. The second thing was that she was sitting on the bed as awake as he was. He supposed he should have known that considering her mother had said that she was asking for him, but logic was failing him right now. _

_"Spence," he murmured, lingering at the door. She looked okay, but he was scared to move from his spot__. __He looked down at his trembling hands and he tried to remember what it felt like to hold her, to feel her hands against his body. But it was like every thought and memory of the good times that he had had with her were wiped from his mind as he pushed down a choking worry._

_"Come here," she said softly, reaching an arm out for him._

_He didn't have to be told twice. He crossed the room in three strides and settled in on the edge of the bed, putting a soft hand on the side of her face. "What happened? Are you okay?"_

_She nodded and leaned into his hand. "I was following after Hanna and Em in my car, and this truck came out of nowhere. It hit my side of the car, which caused me to hit my head. I'm fine besides a concussion."_

_He leaned down and brushed his lips over the unbruised portion of her forehead. "I was so scared." He admitted quietly. "I just- I can't lose you Spencer. I don't think- I just- My mom, my dad... everything with Jenna... I can't change that. But I can try to move on. But I would never move on if I lost you."_

_"I'm not going anywhere, Toby," she muttered, her eyes drifting shut._

_"Should I be letting you sleep?" He asked her, scanning his brain for anything he knew about concussions._

_She shook her head and leaned it against his shoulder. "Looks like you have to distract me."  
><em>

_"Hmm," he teased her. "What a hardship." His words were teasing, but his worry was still at an all time high. They were 17 years old. When you're 17 you felt a sense of immortality that you never again felt for you entire life. You believed yourself and your loved ones to be invincible. But today he was awoken to the stark reality of the fragility of life. He could have lost her. He could have had to bury her in the ground... he could have never seen her again, never felt her lips against his or her skin against his skin._

_She could have died._

At least this was about him. Because if it was about Spencer he would be infinitely more worried. Although, that made him incredibly apprehensive to explain to Spencer what happened. Although, with any luck he would have heard the all clear from the doctor before she got home from school.

Or not. He sighed to himself as he pulled up behind her sensible, black SUV. He should have known that she would cut out early. She was so nosy, and he thought it was adorable nine times out of ten. But right now he just wanted a chance to process before he had to figure out what to tell her.

He expected to see her on the couch, but she was no where to be found. Her purse was neatly hung on its designated hook, so he knew that she had to be somewhere inside. "Spence?"

He walked into the bedroom and smiled at the sight of his wife curled up on the bed still fully dressed in her professional clothing. He smoothed her hair back and slipped her shoes off, tossing them aside. Spencer had always been a very mobile sleeper when she wasn't sharing a bed with anyone, so he stooped down and carefully positioned the comforter over her slim shoulders, her warmth an ongoing concern for him.

At first he had planned on catching up with the most recent episode of Game of Thrones so that he could tease Spencer with spoilers, but the spot next to her was too tempting to pass up. He kicked his shoes off and stretched out next to her. Immediately, his aching body thanked him for the opportunity to relax. Even unconsciously, Spencer cuddled up against his chest. He couldn't remember a time where he and Spencer shared a bed and weren't touching in every way possible.

His eyes drifted shut without much prompting at all, exhaustion overwhelming him in an unprecedented way. It didn't take him long to fall asleep when he had Spencer in his arms.

* * *

><p>He awoke some time later to the sound of clanging pots and the shrill ringing of the phone. He didn't know how long he had been asleep for, but it had been quite awhile ago judging by the cool spot that used to house his wife. Before he could think too hard about it he rolled over and snagged the phone off of the receiver. "Hello?"<p>

_"Hello, this is Mindy from Dr. Green's office. Could I speak to a Toby Cavanaugh?"_

"This is Toby. What's up?" He sat up, hoping to hear an all clear from the woman.

_"Dr. Green asked me to request that you visit his office for a follow up appointment? Today if at all possible? There's something that he needs to discuss with you."_

"What are you talking about? Why? What can't you just tell me over the phone?" He stood up and walked into the kitchen, looking for Spencer.

_"I really can't say, Mr. Cavanaugh. Please just come in."_

He walked in on Spencer throwing chopped vegetables into a pot. She smiled happily at him, but it slid off of her face when she saw him. 'What's wrong?' She mouthed, eyeing the phone in his hand.

He sighed. "Yeah, I'll be there in a half an hour." He shut the phone off without another word.

"Toby," Spencer said softly. "What's going on?"

"I need to go back to the doctor. Apparently they want to discuss some test results with me. But I need to go now. Will you be alright?" He knew she would be, but he had to ask. Taking care of Spencer's well being was as ingrained into him as taking care of his own.

She snorted and reached for her jacket on the back of the chair. "The food just needs to cook for a couple hours. I'm coming with you."

He sighed and nodded, reaching a hand out for her. She tucked herself into his side, and he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in close. He knew he loved her for about a million reasons, not the least of which was the fact that they fit perfectly together. Her curves fit into his side like she was made for no other person than to walk next to him. His arm was just long enough to reach around her shoulders, like his purpose in life was to hold her. He loved her.

And he loved her because she could tell that he didn't want to talk. She just silently sat next to him during the outrageously short drive to the hospital. The silence continued as they walked through the hallways and back to the office he had vacated a few hours ago.

As they sat on the unyielding waiting room chairs he really looked at Spencer for the first time. And when he caught sight of the dull brown he knew that she wasn't being silent for his benefit alone, but that she was also lost in her thoughts. But she didn't internalize everything like he did. She wanted to talk it out. "Spencer..." he mumbled, reaching out to grab her hand. "Spence, everything will be fine."

"They don't call you back to the doctor to tell you that your test results came back fine," she retorted, putting her free hand on top of their intertwined fingers. "What if something's seriously wrong? I just-"

"Hey," he said softly enough that his words lingered just between the two of them. "I'm not going anywhere Spencer."

"But-"

He shook his head, silencing her with a chaste kiss. "No buts," he murmured. "I'll never leave you."

She looked relieved for a moment, but when the nurse called his name sheer terror filled her eyes. "Look," he said, soothing before it could heighten too much. "Maybe they're calling me back in to tell me that I have the best white blood cell count that they've ever seen. I could get an award or something."

She shook her head indulgently, but she had cracked a smile, and that was what he had been going for. "Don't think that's a real thing, Tobes."

The way she shortened his name always filled his stomach with butterflies. He had heard it said that love and attraction died down after so many years together, but if that were the case he hadn't found it yet. From the second Spencer had saved him from typical high school bullying to right at this moment his love for that girl only grew.

The nurse led him to the office, and he was shocked as hell to see that Dr. Green was waiting in there for him with a solemn face. This couldn't be normal.

"Mr. Cavanaugh," Dr. Green said softly. "And this is your wife, I presume."

Spencer, always polite, reached out and shook his hand. "Spencer," she smiled nervously. "Now do you want to let us know why we're here?"

In high school the idiot jocks had often made fun of him, saying that Spencer wore the pants in their relationship. They had failed to grasp that his normal soft spoken demeanor could vanish in a second if he felt threatened or thought that someone were to hurt Spencer. But more often than not he walked through life, much more content to observe than to burst out with whatever opinion he may have.

Spencer was the exact opposite. She liked to talk, to get all the information that she could. And she liked to ask the questions. She liked to make sure that the important ones were getting asked. And he was content to let her do that right now. He needed to process, and it would be more easily done if he didn't have to talk.

"Mr. Cavanaugh," the doctor hesitated. "I don't know how to say this, so I'll just come out with it. Your blood tests came back abnormal. You-" he paused, looking pained. "You have cancer. Leukemia to be more specific."


	3. Chapter 3

**THIS IS LONG. I CRIED. AND NOW I HAVE TO GO TO BED. Shorty AN.**

**REVIEWS WERE PHENOMINAL. I LOVE YOU ALL. NEXT CHAPTER = ALMOST DONE. Up this weekend unless you blow me away with your reviews again! then sooner!**

**Hold Me Close While I Breathe You update in the next couple days. LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU. Grab some tissues cause this is a little sad.**

Chapter 3

He felt numb. He could see the doctor's lips moving, but all that he heard was a dull buzzing noise. He could see Spencer's hand twitch, and he knew that she was tightening her grip on him, but he felt nothing.

Cancer? He had cancer? That wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to get sick. He wasn't presumptuous enough to believe that he deserved it any less than other people, but hadn't he been but through his share of suffering? Hadn't the universe punished him enough?

Spencer's eyes were on him now, her brown searching for a response in his blue. But he couldn't give it to her yet. Not until he knew that he wouldn't break down. The numbness wasn't just for his own sake. He knew exactly what it would do to her if he started to cry.

But as he saw her eyes fill with tears and turn back to the doctor the numbness because to wear off. First he could feel his hands again, and he gently squeezed her fingers to show her that he was with her.

"-can you be so sure?"

Dr. Green nodded slowly. "We have diagnosed this disease an unfortunate number of times, Mrs. Cavanaugh. We know what to look for in the blood, and unfortunately your husband displayed every one of the signs."

"What about treatment options? When do we start?" She glanced at Toby. Her face displayed no emotion other than the tears welling up in her eyes. She was as devastated as he was, but he was also comforted in knowing that she was with him. He didn't have anyone else... no family, and his friends were her friends first. Without Spencer he wouldn't have anything.

"Typically we begin with an aggressive session of chemotherapy. It will be three times a week for six weeks; dependent upon his diagnosis it may have to be an inpatient procedure, but if he's allowed to go home between sessions he will need someone to attend with him. We've found it goes more smoothly with a loved one present, and he will probably not be feeling his best after the sessions. But first we have a series of tests to get an exact diagnosis and to ensure that it hasn't spread."

He didn't like the sound of that. Not only had he heard of the tole that chemo took on your body, but it also sounded like it was going to place a significant burden on his friends and family, namely Spencer. He couldn't do that to her. "Spence-"

"Shut up," she said softly, brushing her fingers down his arm. She clearly didn't approve of his hesitancy. "What are the risks of the chemo?"

"There are some harsh side effects that occur in a majority of people. Hair loss, nausea, digestive issues, fatigue... but it is the best chance that we have to fight this. It's the most effective method of treatment."

She nodded thoughtfully. "And if that doesn't work?"

"There are a number of other things we can try. Namely a bone marrow transplant. Actually, we typically begin seeking out a donor for said transplant immediately because it can take awhile. If it becomes necessary he won't-" Dr. Green hesitated. "he won't have awhile."

"Okay, feel free to test me at your earliest convenience," Spencer nodded, glancing over at him briefly. It was like she was a afraid he'd disappear. "What's the mortality rate?"

Dr. Green looked reluctant to answer, but he must have seen Spencer's desperate tenacity. She would get the answers that she needed, no matter what it took. "We see just over half of our patients surviving past the five year mark."

"So you're saying that around half of your patients die?"

Her voice broke at the end of her sentence, so he lifted her hand to his mouth and brushed his lips across her knuckles. He couldn't tell her that everything would be okay, because he didn't know that it would. But what he could do was remind her that they'd be together every step of the way. He was scared, hell he was terrified. He didn't want to deal with the pain, and the thought of watching his body weakening terrified him. And as he reached out to brush the stray tear on her cheek he knew that his biggest fear was leaving Spencer behind.

Dr. Green nodded sadly. "Yes, but don't look at it that way. Most of those people are elderly, their cancer has metastasized, or they have to deal with other complications. Don't worry about it until it happens. There's every chance that Mr. Cavanaugh could survive this."

She nodded and brushed away another stray tear. She looked at him, and this time he knew that she was asking him whether he had any questions. He gave her as sincere a smile as he could muster before voicing the one question that he had. "When can we schedule the tests for?"

"Tomorrow, if at all possible. I have an opening at 10 am. We want to treat this aggressively. We'll give you every chance to beat this, Toby."

"Okay," he said softly. He kept his eyes on Spencer as he spoke, because he was honestly worried about how unnaturally still she was. It was irrational, but he was always more concerned with her. Even when he should put himself first he could never bring himself to do it. "We're going to go, but I'll be back tomorrow morning."

"**We'll **be back tomorrow," Spencer interjected, daring him to contradict her. "Have a nice day," she added to the doctor as an afterthought.

Dr. Green might have said something else, but Toby didn't hear him. His eyes were on Spencer as they walked out the room, through the whitewashed hallways, and into his truck. She was upset, and he knew it. She didn't have to speak, he didn't have to see her face for him to know that. But he was upset too, understandable. The darkness that had saturated most of his life was encroaching again. How was he supposed to get through this? The only thing that kept him holding on was the thing that had eradicated the darkness to begin with, Spencer.

Immediately after buckling her seat belt she pulled out her cell phone.

"What are you doing?" His voice sounded pained, but that was alright. He just found out that he had a fifty percent chance of not surviving the next five years. If he were completely honest, there were periods of his life where death would have been a relief. But not now. Never now. Because he was finally reaching a point in his life where he had significantly more good days than bad. He was finally happy.

She didn't look up to answer. "Looking things up. I want to be prepared for tomorrow. This is too serious to blindly trust the doctors with."

He was torn. He didn't want Spencer to inconvenience herself for him. He didn't want her to worry about him. But honestly? There was no one else in the world that he'd rather have on his side. Spencer Hastings was the one person he had ever met that he could consistently count on to be the most intelligent person in the room. She would make sure that his treatment stayed on course.

"Spence-" he murmured as they pulled up to their apartment. "Are you alright?"

She shot him a smile that was clearly forced. "I'm fine. But... I just remembered that I promised Han and Emily I'd come over."

"Okay. I could drive you..." he trailed off hesitantly.

"No, I've got my keys," she laughed. Had he been anyone else he might have thought that she was carefree, but because he knew her so well he could see the lingering pain. She hesitated climbing out of the truck and turned back to him. All of her fake happiness was gone, and she looked at him seriously. "Will you be alright? I- I can stay if you want me too."

He didn't hesitate in drawing her near. He wanted to kiss her fears away, to tell her that everything would be alright. But he couldn't promise that. Instead he gently touched their foreheads together. "I'll be fine, Spence. Be safe, okay?"

She lingered for a moment, nodding her head a few times before pulling away. "Toby- I just- hang in there, okay? I **love **you, and we'll figure this out together."

"Love you too." He hoped the sincerity of his words shown through more prominently than the fear and the pain. Because she dulled all of those negative emotions. When Spencer was around everything was just better.

He watched her drive away before getting out of the car himself and walking upstairs to their apartment. As much as he hated to admit it, even to himself, he was just as scared of losing Spencer as he was of dying. Because a life without her wasn't much of a life. But he needed to get over that, because Spencer had always proven herself to be loyal throughout every single second of their relationship, even when he didn't deserve it. But what if this was too much for her to take? How would he get through it without her?

_It was like a black hole was slowly ripping its way through his heart. There was nothing good left in his world._

_"Please Toby. You have to talk to me. Just let me in." Spencer pleaded, her hands reaching out for him._

_He flinched away, turning to stare out the window. Usually Spencer could make anything better, but there was nothing she could do. She couldn't bring his mom back, and that's all that he wanted. He just wanted his mom._

_"Please baby. If not me then Caleb. Hell, even your dad. You don't have to go through this alone."_

_He couldn't feel anything but numbness, but deep down inside he knew that he still loved her. And now that his mom was dead he knew without a shadow of a doubt that there wasn't a single person on the planet that he loved more. And that was why he couldn't let her do this. He couldn't let her hurt over him, especially when he knew that there was no helping him. He was gone._

_"Just go," he muttered._

_"Say that again?" She whispered. He knew from her tone that she had heard him, but that he would have to be a bit more forceful if he actually wanted her to leave. She was far too stubborn for her own good._

_"Just leave," he repeated, forcing a bit of strength into his words. It was hard to even muster up enough energy for that. He had been through so much in his life. Didn't he deserve a little bit of joy? Of happiness? But how was he supposed to ever move on from such a debilitating blow?_

_But as he watched Spencer flinch away like he slapped her he felt a twinge in his heart. She didn't deserve to be so sad, but if he could save her more pain by hurting her now maybe it was the right choice. Everyone around him suffered. He was cursed. _

_"W-what?" She stuttered, not comprehending what he was saying to her._

_A single tear squeezed out of his swollen tear ducts. He was surprised. He thought that he had nothing left. "I can't do this anymore, Spencer." The words felt wrong, almost foreign. He shouldn't be saying things like that to her. It's not what he wanted, but it was what was best._

_"What are you saying?" Her voice took on a tone of harshness that he had never heard before._

_The sheer devastation that accompanied her harsh tone slowly cracked through his emotionless facade. Tear after tear poured down his face as he struggled to avoid her gaze. "That I- I can't d-do this anymore. I- I think we should-" He stopped, his throat too tight to continue. She knew what he was trying to say. Not that he wanted to say it. But how else was he going to protect her from his shit luck? How else was he going to ensure that she had a safe and happy life? Because it was basically a guarantee that she wouldn't get that around him._

_But she was having none of that. Her hands found his face and forced him to look in her tear filled eyes. He was positive that she didn't even know the extend of the despair that he found within them, or else she never would have made him look at her. She would have tried to hide it. "Listen to me," she murmured. "Listen to me, Toby. I love you. And if this is what you want I will do it, but I want it to be known that it's NOT what I want. So go home. Go home and don't say another word. Sleep on it, and if I don't hear from you tomorrow I'll assume that you made your choice."_

_And without another word she fled the car. He watched her go, her speed only increasing the further she got away from the car. He should feel happy. He had just defeated the most stubborn person that he had ever met in a show of determination. But he didn't feel happy. He felt empty. He thought that he was on empty before, but now he truly had nothing left. Spencer, the only person left that loved him, was gone. And it was his own fault._

_But as he stared at the spot she had disappeared from he realized how unimaginable a bastard he had been. He was her ride, and they were a significant distance from her house. It looked like it was going to rain any second, and she left her jacket in his car. He couldn't leave her without any kind of protection._

_As he drove off after her the full weight of what he just did hit him. Spencer was the only person left in the world that he could consistently count on to be there for him. The **only one. **And he loved her. He loved her so much, and the look on her face was going to stick with him forever. Was he so hurt that he had to hurt her too? Was it because he knew that she would only go if he hurt her too much? No matter what his motivations were, he knew that he had to find her. He had to fix this._

_He barely got down the road before the sky opened up and rain poured down onto them. His heart ached with worry for his girlfriend... if she'd even let him call her that anymore. God Spence, where are you? Just as he was about to give up and turn around to double back he saw a small, hunched over figure on the sidewalk. He stopped in the middle of the road, and jumped out of the car. He knew it was Spencer, and he wasn't going to leave her thinking that he didn't want her for another second. "Spencer!""_

_The strangled sobbing noise coming from her throat would have sent him to his knees were he not so determined to fix this. "Spence-" he whispered, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and bringing her to her feet. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, wiping her tears away. But it got to the point that he wasn't sure what were tears and what was the rain._

_She was shivering beneath his hands, so he sloppily yanked his jacket off and wrapped it around her shoulders. If nothing else he could help keep her warm. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." As he clutched her to his chest he promised himself that he would never again be so stupid. He was there until she ordered him away._

As he leaned back against the couch cushions and closed his eyes he renewed that promise. He wouldn't ever make that mistake again. He would never leave her. He closed his eyes, and before he realized what was happening his eyes drifted shut and he fell asleep.

* * *

><p>The ear shattering ringing of his phone woke him up much too soon. If Spencer had been home he wouldn't have answered it. Anyone else he cared about had her number too, but since he was alone he slid his phone out of his pocket and to his ear. "Mmmm?" He mumbled, hoping that whoever was on the other end caught his greeting.<p>

_"Toby?"_

Emily's voice sat him up straight. "Em? What's up?"

_"Hey! So, we drank a little bit, and Spencer- she kind of actually drank a shit ton. I'm not sure what's up with her, but we couldn't wrestle the vodka away from her."_

Oh Jesus. He knew that she was upset, but he hadn't expected that. "Is she okay?"

_"She's obviously upset about something, but she's physically fine. But really why I'm calling is to ask you if you want us to tuck her into one of Hanna's spare beds or if you want to come get her?"_

Oh Spencer. He had already grabbed his keys and was out the door before he responded. "I'll be there in five minutes." He snapped his phone shut, and he knew that it was rude, but he couldn't bring himself to care. All he was worried about right now was Spencer.

Luckily Hanna lived close enough that he didn't have time to work himself into the panic that he felt brewing. Spencer never drank. Even in college she consistently offered to be the designated driver. She said she didn't like the feeling of losing control. He took the stairs to Hanna's apartment two at a time, ignoring the heaviness in his head and the aching in his body. It was all inconsequential.

"Toby!"

Her voice was the first thing that he heard as he walked into the apartment. He glanced at Emily who shrugged at him. Spencer had obviously not shared her fears with her friends, and it wasn't his place. He'd leave that to her.

Spencer bound forward and threw her arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around her, steadying her wobbly frame. "Hey, baby," he murmured, brushing his lips across the tender spot underneath her ear. "Can we use your room, Hanna? I just need to talk to her for second."

"Of course!" Hanna was the kind of person who always spoke in exclamation points, and he kind of loved that about her.

"I don't want to talk," Spencer protested, wriggling out of his arms. He almost lost her for a second, but he kept her steady in his firm embrace.

He shot her a distracted smile and all but carried Spencer down the hallway and sat her on the bed. "Talk to me, Spence. Why did you do this to yourself?"

"I just- I w-wanted to have fun." Her voice was significantly less happy, but she was still trying. Even though he could smell the vodka on her breath and see the lack of coherency in her eyes she was still articulate and poised. He loved her so much.

"Spencer," he sighed, brushing a series of soft kisses along her brow. "Please don't lie to me."

She sighed into the place where his shoulder and his neck met and hesitated briefly before responding. "It hurts," she whispered. "I don't want to be selfish, but i-it hurts to think that I m-might lose you. I'm so scared that-" her words broke off as the tears that she had been holding back finally surfaced. Spencer was the type that once she allowed herself to show any kind of emotion she couldn't stop. Her sobs came hard and fast, rocking her tiny body. She wilted against him, and he gladly took on her insubstantial weight. He would spend forever holding her if it would some how make this okay for her.

"Listen to me." He spoke just loudly enough to be heard over her cries. "Listen to me Spencer, and hear me. I promise you, I **swear, **that you'll never be alone. You'll never be alone, baby. Not even for a single second. Even if the worst happens... even if I-" he couldn't bring himself to say the word. "I'll find a way to make this okay for you. I love you."

"I'm s-sorry," she mumbled, sagging more deeply into him. He could tell by her slow speech and even, albeit ragged, breathing that she was near unconsciousness. He could only hope that she wouldn't remember this, because it would cause her needless embarrassment.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I always want you to feel like you can talk to me, baby," he whispered into her hair.

She nuzzled her face into his arm. "Mmm, you too Tobes. You talk to me t-too."

"I just-" he sighed. She had been honest with him. He owed her the same respect, and it didn't hurt that he doubted she remembered this tomorrow. "Just don't ever leave me Spencer. I can't see myself getting through this without you. I know that it's manipulative and selfish, but-"

"Shut up," she groaned. "Shut up, shut up, shut up."

He had to stifle his giggles, but he didn't speak. She shifted in his arms so that she could look up at him. "Shut up, Toby. Stop being so self-sacrificing. It's not a burden to be there for you. It's not a hardship. You've been there for me every single step of for-freaking ever. This is the least I can do. But honestly? Despite even all of that I would still want to be there for you. You know why?"

"Why?" He indulged her question, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.

"Because I love you, you idiot," she yawned, giving way to the alcohol-induced exhaustion. Her eyes lowered slightly as she leaned into his arm. "I love you. Don't die. Okay? Please don't die. Don't die."

"Shhh. I don't know what the future holds, baby. But what I can tell you is that if I have any say in it I'm not going anywhere. I'm exactly where I need to be."

A garbled groan was her only response as her breathing evened out and her eyes closed completely. He could feel the wetness from her tears pooling on his bicep. He leaned forward covering her body with his torso and resting his chin in the crook of her neck. "I'll never leave you, Spencer," he whispered. "Not if I can help it." Right then and there he made a promise to fight. He would fight this disease with everything in him, and he would earn the life that he and Spencer had planned. He wasn't going anywhere.

Tears slowly ran down his cheeks and into her hair. He didn't move from his spot. There wasn't anything physical that he needed to protect her from, but maybe his presence would help keep the nightmares and bad thoughts away. Maybe he could do something now. Maybe he could fix this.


	4. Chapter 4

**This ended up a lot different than I expected! Toby had a lot of thoughts.**

**You guys are blowing me away with your reviews and support. Keep it up, please?! If anyone can find the Game of Thrones quote I used in this chapter they get a shout out next chapter! It's one of my favorite quotes in the world.**

**OKAAAY bed time :) Love yooou.**

Chapter 4

"Toby?"

He groaned, his back aching from the position he was in. Where they hell were they?

"Hey," Spencer murmured from underneath him. "I literally have no idea why we're at Hanna's, but we have to get going. Your appointment is in an hour."

He nodded against her spine, where his head had ended up. It took a minute, but the previous night came back to him like a punch to the gut. Her tears... her desperate pleas... the way she fell asleep in his arms. It wasn't something he wouldn't soon forget. "You had a little too much to drink," he chuckled, forcing his voice into sounding normal. If she didn't remember last night he certainly wasn't going to remind her. "I brought you in here to calm you down, but I must have fallen asleep in the process."

She nodded, studying his face. "Are- um, are you alright?"

He brought a hand to the side of her head and firmly kissed her temple. "I love you for being so concerned with me, I really do. But I'm fine. I don't feel any differently than I did yesterday, and I swear to you that I'll let you know if that changes. How do _you _feel? Can I get you some water or Tylenol? You have got to be hungover."

"I'll snag something from Hanna when we go out there. We should probably apologize for stealing her bed last night." She grabbed his biceps and pulled herself up.

A small smile appeared on his tired face as he brushed his fingers through her hair. "I love you." He literally couldn't hold it back. He loved her, and if necessary he would spend every minute of the day telling her.

"I love you too," she whispered, leaning up for a kiss. When he was younger he didn't really understand the appeal of kissing. Swapping spit seemed like the most disgusting thing imaginable. But he could spend the rest of his life kissing Spencer.

"Hand check, kids! I'm coming in!"

They jumped apart at Hanna's voice. Spencer smoothed down her hair and he adjusted his shirt just as the bubbly blonde bounded into her bedroom. "Oh good, you're awake." She eyed their disheveled appearance with a smirk. "But apparently not all that decent."

"Shut up, Hanna," Spencer half groaned half laughed. "Thanks for letting us commandeer your room last night, by the way."

"No problem, Johnny Depp! But if you guys did the nasty you're totes coming back here and washing my sheets later." She mock glared at them. "But get out of here now. I can't risk your husband seeing my sexy bod and falling in love with me. I don't want to leave you all alone."

"Oh don't worry," Spencer laughed, grabbing Toby's hands and helping him up. "I'll just take Caleb."

Toby rolled his eyes. If an innocent bystander wasn't aware of how much they loved their respective significant others they would definitely believe that they were a bunch of swingers. "We need to get going."

"Oh, where? An adventure?" Hanna rifled through her closet, no doubt looking for the perfect outfit to wear.

"Um," Spencer looked at him, and he shrugged. He didn't care if Hanna knew, but maybe they should wait and tell everyone at once. Spencer bit down on her lip and turned back to Hanna. "He has a doctor's appointment," she said truthfully. "Decidedly not fun."

"Ah, well better me than you," she snagged her clothes and made to leave the room, pausing in the doorway. "There's a bottle of water and Tylenol on the counter for you, you drunk ass," she laughed and ducked into the hallway.

He just looked at Spencer. He could spend a lifetime looking at her thin frame and soft hair. He could spend his whole life making sure that she understood just how much she meant to him. She always had his back. She unrelentingly supported him, and that meant more now than it ever had. The news from the doctor would have sent any other woman running, but she was still here. She was still with him, and he had a feeling that there wasn't anything he could do to make her leave.

As soon as Hanna was gone he pulled himself to his feet and pulled Spencer into his arms. "Thank you," he breathed into her hair. His heart ached, because he needed her to know that. "Thank you so much."

"For what?"

She genuinely didn't know, and that made him all the more determined to remind her what she did and does for him. "I just- I don't know how I'd get through any of this without you," he admitted. He didn't try to apologize for his feelings, because he had a feeling sober Spencer would like that even less than drunk Spencer.

"You never have to find out," she said simply. But the simplicity didn't dull the absolute sincerity. He knew that Spencer loved him as much he loved her. He _knew _she did. Yet somehow it was indescribably comforting to be reminded of the fact.

She pulled away and framed his face with her hands. "I'll take care of everything, baby. Just let go and let me take the lead for awhile, okay? I swear, everything will be just fine."

He leaned into her, suddenly too emotional to support himself. How could she know his exact worries without him even having to speak him? How had he gotten so lucky to find someone that was willing to stand by him through this? Her arms tightened around him and lowered the two of them back onto the bed. "Everything will be fine. Everything will be okay. I love you so much, Toby. Hold onto that."

"I'm scared," he admitted in a voice so soft that he wasn't even sure was loud enough for her to hear. "I'm scared that I won't be able to beat this."

"That's understandable, baby," she murmured, gently pulling his head down to her shoulder. Her fingers ran through his hair. The motion wasn't much, but it sent his heart into his throat. He couldn't love her more if he tried. She brought her lips to his forehead. "This is a terrifying thing. You'd be an idiot if you weren't afraid. You just have to be brave, sweetheart."

"How can I be brave when I'm so scared?" He hated being vulnerable in front of her. He was supposed to be strong, he was supposed to take care of her. He certainly wasn't supposed to be falling apart in her arms.

She paused for a long time. "I think that's the only time that you can be brave. If you aren't scared than bravery isn't necessary."

It was simple, but it was profound. "I love you," he whispered into her neck. "I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I just- I love you, Spence."

"I am pretty lovable," she teased. There was still tension in her voice, but he knew that she had made the decision to be strong for him. And as much as he wished it hadn't been necessary he appreciated it all the same. "I love you too," she added, more seriously. The vulnerability seeped back into her voice at the declaration, but she quickly shook it off. "Are you alright to get going? If we don't leave now we're going to be late."

"Yeah. Do I look like I've been crying?" He pulled away so she could see him. While he didn't particularly mind if Hanna saw him emotional he didn't want to inspire any awkward line of questioning. He couldn't tell her first. He had to tell all of their friends at once.

"Your eyes just look a little bloodshot." She gently ran her thumb beneath each eye, wiping away the remains of his tears. "Just blame it on me. I really don't remember, but I've been told I'm an annoying drunk."

"I think you're cute," he laughed, helping her up off of the bed. He brushed her hair back and pressed a soft kiss to her temple. If he thanked her again they'd never get out of the room, but he couldn't let her go without showing her how much he appreciated her.

"You also think it's cute when I argue about what kind of salt to use in the cooking and sanitize the toilet before before using a public restroom," she argued, tightly grabbing his hand. She snagged the water and Tylenol with her free hand as they made to leave the apartment. "Thanks Han!"

"Bye!" The blonde called from somewhere down the hall.

As Spencer slid the keys out of his pocket, making it her intention to drive, and led him out of the apartment and into the truck he allowed his mind to wonder. Most of the time they took care of each other, but there had been a few times he had been forced to lean heavily on Spencer. He didn't know why he thought now would be any different.

_He sat in the waiting room, vacantly staring at the white wall in front of him. He was alone. He was alone, and it was all his fault. He had alienated the two people that he loved the most in the world. Loneliness was all that he deserved._

_It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to live with his mom. He loved her more than anything, but it wasn't healthy. She wasn't in a position to care for another human being. He thought- he thought that maybe if he gave her some space and went to live with his dad again that things would get better. He was wrong._

_And Spencer? God, he didn't even remember what stupid thing they had fought over, but what he did know was that it hadn't been worth it. Nothing was worth losing her. But how did he begin to apologize? He meant it with everything in him, but he didn't know if he could fix it. He didn't know where to even start._

_So he sat in the hard, hospital chair, his knuckles turning white from his grip on the chair. He glanced a few seats down at his father, sitting silent vigil over his ex-wife. Anyone with eyes could see that his father still loved his mother. Everyone loved his mom. They just- weren't right for each other. He hoped to God that didn't end up being him and Spencer._

_The memory of finding his mother in the bathroom with her wrists bleeding was never going to leave him. Every time he closed his eyes crimson was all that he saw, and he was pretty sure that would never go away._

_"Toby?"_

_His chest ached. He was pretty sure that his heart was literally breaking. It wasn't a figure of speech; not anymore. This was his reality, and maybe it was all that he deserved._

_Soft fingers brushed over his cheek. He tried to flinch away from the contact, but the hands were as unrelenting as they were gentle. "Toby, look at me."_

_He blinked a few times, bringing his eyes back into focus. He'd recognize the mocha color of her eyes anywhere. "What are you doing here?" He whispered. He flinched at the harsh tone of his voice, but he couldn't make his vocal chords say anymore._

_She didn't say anything. She nudged her way between his legs and pulled her head into her chest. "You should have called me," she breathed, her breath swirling through his hair, warming him. "You should have called me, Toby."_

_"I didn't think you'd want to come," he mumbled._

_"Oh Toby," she lowered to her knees and framed his face with her trembling hands. "I'll **always **be there for you when you need me. **Always.**"_

_A strangled sob ripped through his throat as the emotions he had been trying so hard to subdue finally broke through. He slid off of his chair and onto the ground, clutching Spencer for dear life; like if he let her go he would be lost. It wasn't much of a stretch. Without her he wouldn't know up from down, and he certainly wouldn't get through this._

"You ready, babe?"

He nodded. He wasn't ready at all, but he knew that he needed to do this. If he were going to have any chance of beating this he had to be aggressive, and he had to do whatever he could. So much of this would be out of his control, but he could do this.

Most of his time in the hospital was a blur of doctors, exams, and pricks of pain. Dr. Green wasn't lying when he said there'd be a lot of tests. The only one that really stood out to him was the shooting pain of the spinal tap. The look on Spencer's face at his pained gasp was almost as painful as the massive needle digging into his back. It was only after it was all over that he realized how tightly he was squeezing Spencer's hand. "Sorry," he muttered, releasing her hand.

To her credit, she didn't even flinch as she snagged his hand back. He knew it had hurt her, though. She shook her head and leaned forward to rest her forehead against his. "Just squeeze my hand as hard as it hurts, okay? Whatever you need."

He wasn't going to do that, but he couldn't deny that it did help to focus on the gentle pressure of her hand in his, the soft trail her fingers took down her forearm. Nothing was good about this moment, but she was the only thing that made it manageable.

After the completion of the horrendous spinal tap he only had an ultrasound and a wide panel of blood tests to endure before returning to Dr. Green's office.

"Mr. Cavanaugh, Mrs. Cavanaugh," Dr. Green greeted them as they walked back inside. "How did it go?"

Spencer looked at him, correctly gauging that he didn't want to talk. Somehow she always knew. She looked back at the doctor with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "It went as well as it could, I think."

"Okay, wonderful. Now, why don't the two of you grab some lunch in the cafeteria. I ordered a rush on your results, and should be able to give you the answers that I know you're wanting in an hour and a half or so."

Spencer was talking but he wasn't hearing anything. His ears were buzzing like he was alone in a silent room, only he wasn't alone and it wasn't silent. It was just too much. But he couldn't shut down completely. He had to keep fighting. It didn't matter that his limbs felt heavy and painful. It didn't matter that stabbing pains shot through his chest with every step. And it didn't matter he felt weaker than he ever had. He had to keep fighting for both himself and for Spencer. He had to get through this.

The only thing that stood out to him was Spencer's hand leading him through the hospital and into the cafeteria. She helped him down into a chair and gently put her hands on his face, nudging it upwards, requesting his attention.

Once his eyes met hers she smiled and leaned down to kiss him softly. "You wait here. What can I get for you?"

"I can get it myself, Spence. You can relax, because I'm sure you're still feeling that hangover."

He moved to get up, but she pushed him back down onto the chair. "Shut up," she sighed. "If you don't tell me what to get I'm going to wing it with something very vegetarian. Maybe some tofu."

He rolled his eyes. She was the most stubborn person he had ever met. "Maybe a burger?"

She nodded and turned her back on him, quickly making her way through the lunch line. He watched her walk away apprehensively. He couldn't help but worry about her whenever she was away from him. He knew that she would always be his priority. He would do whatever it took to make her happy, even if that was letting her take care of him for awhile.

It wasn't that long before she returned with a tray ladden down with bad hospital food. He grabbed the burger for himself and chewed silently. This was one of infinite meals they had and will share together, but it was colored by anxiety and apprehension over what they were about to learn.

They sat together in silence, simply chewing on their respective food. The quiet started out companionable, but after awhile it became unbearable. This wasn't the best time for him to be left alone with his own thoughts. "Do you remember when we went to your formal right before you graduated UPenn?"

A smile cracked through her serious facade. "I mean I don't remember it quite that way, since we never made it to the formal."

He laughed and shook his head. "It's your own fault for looking so irresistible."

_She walked down the stairs like the start to any dance in every cheesy movie in the history of cinematography. It was the kind of scene he would always make fun of, but there was nothing cheesy about Spencer. Her deep blue dress danced along her mid-thigh, and her hair cascaded down her back in lose curls. She was stunning._

_"How do I look?" She asked him nervously. She walked to him and put a hand to his chest, straightening his tie. "You look incredible," she offered._

_"Y-you-" he stuttered embarrassingly. He couldn't make his mouth work. "Um, you-"_

_She smiled, leaning up to kiss him. "Is that a positive reaction?" She murmured against his lips._

_He didn't bother to answer, drawing her in for another kiss. They were running late, but that seemed inconsequential now. What was another five minutes?_

_She leaned into the kiss, her hips pressed against his. Her teeth nipped at his lower lip as she pulled away. Her brown eyes looked up at him frown under her eyelashes, and he returned her lust-filled gaze. "Bedroom?" She whispered._

_Once again, no words seemed necessary. He lifted her easily and started toward the stares. She giggled softly and wrapped her legs around his waist, her lips going to work on his neck. He opened her door, feeling like the luckiest guy in the world._

"Not sure I was the only irresistible one, Cavanaugh," she laughed. "You really know how to work a suit."

He rolled his eyes, polishing off his burger with no time to spare. "Mr. Cavanaugh?" A familiar nurse approached their table. "Dr. Green asked me to come find you. Your test results are ready."

He looked at Spencer. He felt like a child, but he couldn't even respond to this poor woman. When he got anxious he got quiet. He didn't want to talk to anyone. Spencer squeezed his hand encouragingly before helping him to his feet. Her silence told him that he was just as nervous as he was. But they were in this together. If this day had made anything clear it was that.

The hospital was large, but it unfortunately only took a moment to reach the doctor's office. He had been hoping he could live in an uninformed bliss for awhile longer. Once they were settled Dr. Green looked up from his notes. "Well, Mr. Cavanaugh... Toby... we've come to a diagnosis. Officially you have Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Do you know what that means?"

He didn't, but he wasn't surprised when Spencer answered for him. "It means that his white blood cells are underdeveloped, correct?"

Dr. Green nodded, giving her an impressed look. People were always impressed by his wife's intelligence, and that gave him an unending source of pride. "That's correct, Mrs. Cavanaugh," Dr. Green confirmed. "Our first step will be chemotherapy, as discussed. However, since your diagnosis is one of acute leukemia we're going to recommend that it be done as an inpatient procedure."

"What's the end goal?" Spencer immediately shot off, asking the important questions that he wouldn't have even thought to ask. "Is it to get rid of the cancer or something else?"

"You ask all the right questions, Mrs. Cavanaugh," Dr. Green praised. "The goal is to kill the leukemia cells. We want to get rid of the diseased cells, with the goal of hopefully getting him a bone marrow transplant. The chemotherapy won't be a cure for your type of leukemia, Mr. Cavanaugh."

His eyes were immediately back on Spencer. He just wasn't capable of speaking right now. Not if he wanted to keep his composure. He was scared as hell, but he wasn't in a place to admit that to Spencer twice in one day. The first time was embarrassing enough.

Spencer met his eyes briefly. "Just one more question. How long will he have to be in the hospital for?"

"It's hard to say, but the chemotherapy will continue for as long as the cancer isn't growing. For most patients a month or more of treatment will be necessary before the transplant."

"He'll have to be in the hospital the entire time?" This time she didn't take her eyes off of his face. Her hand found his, obviously seeing his need for comfort.

"Yes," the doctor admitted. "I know it's inconvenient, but it's really the best chance that he has."

Toby nodded to himself a few times, trying to bring himself enough composure to speak. "When do we start?" He whispered.

"As soon as possible. Three days would be idea. That gives you enough time to settle your affairs, yes?"

"Will Spencer-" He began, allowing his sentence to trail off. He wasn't even sure what he was asking.

"She'll be allowed to be with you ever step of the way if that's what the two of you want. We can get her a bed here and there are showers on every floor for spouse and parental overnight visitors."

He nodded, knowing that he really didn't have a choice. If this was his best chance of survival he would do it. "I'll-" he looked at Spencer. "We'll be here."


	5. Chapter 5

**I keep writing mega long chapters I have to split into two. WHOOPS. Oh well, you get more updates this way :).**

**Yay to caitycaites for being the only one to catch the Game of Thrones quote in the last chapter. "How can someone be brave when they're afraid." "That's the only time you can be brave."**

**REVIEW! Because reviews are the thing that keep me motivate to write another chapter that makes me CRYYYYY. Speaking of tears... this chapter lol. I think I might write Spoby too lovey, but oh well.**

Chapter 5

Spencer was silent as she drove the two of them home from the hospital. Her eyes were trained on the road ahead.

"Spencer." He wanted to reach for her, but he wouldn't push her. This had to have been near impossible for her. If the worst happened and he died it would be over for him. He wouldn't feel anymore pain, and he wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath. But Spencer would. He had promised her forever, and he would fight like hell to give that to her.

She reached across the seat and intertwined their fingers together, her shorter digits fitting perfectly between his longer ones. "I- I'm going to do something, and you're not going to like it."

"What are you talking about?" Was she going to leave him? He wouldn't blame her. It would be too much for the strongest of people to handle, but he sincerely hoped that he wouldn't have to go through this without her.

She gave him a side glanced before flipped her turn signal on and turning in a direction that only could have meant that she was taking them up to their spot overlooking the city. "Spence-"

"Get that look off your face, Toby." She rolled her eyes and squeezed his hand. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Then what?" He looked out the window as she pulled into a space close to the edge.

"Walk with me?" She asked him quietly. "It's nothing bad, Toby."

He nodded and kept by her side as the walked down the path and settled on their favorite bench. His eyes studied the twinkling lights of the city being slowly cloaked by the night. Twilight was always his favorite time of day. It was an ending, sure. But it came with the promise of a new day, fresh with no mistakes. It was a chance to do better, to make things right.

"I'm going to quit my job," she said softly.

That had his immediate attention. His eyes swiveled from the city to her face; now she was decidedly avoiding his eyes. "No." He couldn't think of anything else to say, because she wasn't doing it. She wasn't giving anything up for him.

"I mean, I appreciate your input, but I wasn't asking. I'm politely informing my husband of my intent." Usually a speech like that would have been accompanied by fire in her voice, but right now she just sounded sad.

"Spencer, I-" He began, but he didn't know what to say. She _loved _her job. It was a stupid job through the grad school, nothing related to her career. But she loved the people that she got to interact with, and she loved that she didn't have to use her parents' money. She couldn't give that up for him. But he was also touched beyond imagination that she was willing to do that for him. He had gone through majority of his life never knowing that kind of love. His mom loved him, but she was so sick- it was hard to believe in her sometimes. His dad always treated him as a burden, and he was never the best at making friends. But Spencer loved him to an extent that he had never quite experienced, and she consistently loved him more than he deserved.

"I know," she murmured, always understanding what he meant when he couldn't speak. "I know, but it's okay. It's not a sacrifice. I would do anything for you, baby. There's not a single thing in the world that I wouldn't do for you. This is so small."

"It might seem small to you, but it's too much for me." He put his hand on the side of her face and gently nudged her until she looked at him. "You've worked so hard, Spencer. I can't- Please don't do that for me."

"Would you do it for me?"

She knew that he would do it in a literal heart beat, and that's why she asked. Nothing would be able to stop him from spending every second by her side. It wasn't incomprehensible to believe that she would want to do the same for him, but it was unbearable for him to think about her giving up something she enjoyed for him. "I don't want you to grow to resent me, Spence."

"Toby," she breathed, her voice barely audible. But the volume didn't decrease her sincerity. When she said his name like that he sometimes wondered if it were possible to go the first sixteen years of your life without ever hearing what your name truly sounded like.

With his heart in his throat he bend down and pressed his lips to her head. It wasn't meant to be anything romantic. He just couldn't bear the thought of being even an inch from her. As long as he had her he'd be okay. He'd never been more certain of that fact.

She leaned into him and grabbed a fistful of his shirt's fabric with either hand. "That's never going to happen, Toby. Never. I can't predict the future, but I can promise you that much. You act like you're taking something away from me, but don't ever forget everything you give to me by just being yourself."

"I just- God, Spencer I can't imagine doing this without you. But you giving up anything for me literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. What about school?"

"I only have two classes this semester, baby. I can talk to my professors and figure something out. The rest of the time I just need to work on my thesis, which I can do from your bedside. School will still get done." She hesitated before continuing. "And because I know what your next question will be, money is absolutely not an issue. We can live off of my trust fund for awhile."

She didn't want to spend that. She wanted to live independent from her family. He couldn't count the number of times she complained about how she was treated because of her family's wealth. She claimed that she didn't do anything to earn it, so having it didn't make her anything special. And she was so proud of herself for making it without her trust fund. She never told him any of this, but he knew her well enough to know that it was true. "Spencer-"

"Stop," she interrupted him with one firmly spoken syllable. "Stop it. You don't get to feel guilty for this." She framed his face with her hands and waited for him to maintain eye contact before continuing. "You are worth it," she said slowly and clearly. "You are so worth it. It's not a sacrifice. It's not, baby. The money's just sitting there, and I literally cannot think of a better use for it than this. There's plenty in there for us to live frugally and pay for your medical treatments for quite a few years."

He didn't like it. He didn't like how much his illness was effecting her. But what he did know was that he would have done it for her with zero hesitation. He would happily sacrifice every single thing in his life if it would make hers a little easier. And he knew the treatments would be so much easier with her by his side. "We need to tell everyone."

"Do you want to do it now?" She moved one hand from his face to hover over her pocket and used the thumb of her other hand to gently stroke his face. "I can call Han, if you want. She'll get everyone together faster and easier than we ever could."

He nodded. "We might as well get it over with."

She didn't respond verbally. Her head rested on his shoulder as she made her phone call. He played with her hair and thought about the first time he brought her up here with her low murmurs as the soundtrack to his thoughts.

_They had had their spot overlooking Rosewood. Now that they were both in Philadelphia they needed something similar, but it took him far longer than he liked to find something appropriate. But now that he had he couldn't wait to show her._

_It was November 6, honestly his favorite day of the year. Christmas was nice, Thanksgiving had a lot of great food, the Fourth of July was a lot of fun... but nothing was comparable to the day that Spencer agreed to be his. Nothing could ever compare to that._

_He sent her a soft smile and gently took her hand. "Close your eyes, okay?"_

_"Are you really going to murder me this time?" She laughed. But she nodded, complying with his ridiculous wishes. He knew there were very few people in the world that she'd have done that for, and he appreciated it._

_He led her down the path, keeping diligent eyes on the ground for any tripping hazards. He wouldn't let her fall. "Yep. You've gotten a bit tiresome, and I've decided that it's better to start from the beginning."_

_"Well as long as you're honest," she laughed. Her hand tightened around his as they walked down the slight slope to the picnic table he had snagged. "Toby?"_

_"You're alright. I've got you." He let go of her hand and wrapped an arm around her waist, guiding her to a sitting position on the bench. "You can open your eyes."_

_He kept his eyes on her face as she took in the view and the arrangement of food and candles on the table. "Toby..."_

_"Do you like it?" He asked. His pulse felt irregular as he waited for her reaction. Part of him wanted to take his hand back before she noticed his sweaty palms, but he didn't know how to do it subtly._

_"I love it. I love **you.**" She leaned in to kiss him, her lips telling him far more than any words ever could. He always knew that he loved Spencer, and honestly, how could he not? After everything she had done for him his love for her was firmly cemented in his very soul. But his absolute and intrinsic adoration for that girl had never been deeper than in that moment._

"Toby?"

He looked at her with wet eyes. The emotions, the memories, the potential life-ending illness... it was all too much. He was so scared, and he didn't know how to get rid of it. He thought he had a lifetime of anniversaries with her. He thought that there'd be a lifetime to make memories, but now he was finding out that that might now necessarily be true.

"Toby." She slid a soft hand down his arm and laced her fingers with his. "Hey, I know you're scared. I can see it written all over your face. You're so much stronger than you think you are, though. You've made it through so much. Other people would have given up by now, but you're still fighting. You can do this, sweetheart. You can do anything."

He nodded. She was right. He could do this; as long as she was with him he could do anything. "I love you."

She smiled at him. "I love you too, baby. Hanna said she'd get everyone together and meet us at our apartment in a half an hour."

He wrapped both of his arms around her and pulled her securely against him. "We don't have to go right away though, right?"

"I think they can wait a minute or two." He could hear the smile in her voice as she curled against his chest. "Are you alright?"

"I honestly am better than I could ever imagine I would be. As cheesy as it sounds, it's always alright when you're here." He pressed her lips to the top of her head and closed his eyes, content to sit there with her as long as they could.

* * *

><p>By the time they finally reached their apartment Caleb, Hanna, and Emily had already arrived. And judging by their comfortable positions scattered throughout the living room they had been there for quite awhile. "Nice of you guys to join us!" Hanna sang out from the couch. Her head was in Caleb's lap, and her feet were sticking up in the air. "By the way, you two have the shittiest food in the world."<p>

"Spencer won't let me buy anything good." He grinned at Spencer's incredulous stare. Throwing her under the health food bus was kind of fun.

Hanna groaned. "No cheesy puffs? You wound me, Hastings."

"Cavanaugh," she corrected with a halfhearted laugh. And nine years into their relationship that laugh still made him happy. As long as Spencer was happy and healthy he could handle whatever life threw at him.

She glanced at him before looking back at their friends. "We need to talk to you guys."

"Yeah, we got that by your frantic phone call, Spence. What's going on?" Caleb pushed Hanna up and swiveled to face them. "Are you guys alright?"

"I um-" he kept his eyes on Spencer. "I'm sick."

"Do you need some medicine? I can run to CVS and grab you some medicine..." Emily suggested sweetly. She was genuinely the nicest person he had ever met, and that was why he couldn't look at her when he said this. He couldn't bear to see the sympathy in her eyes, or Caleb or Hanna's for that matter. Spencer already knew. And she knew without his saying that sympathy was the last thing he would want.

He shook his head. "No. I- I have cancer."


	6. Chapter 6

**This chapter is short. Sorry not sorry. But come on, you guys have gotten three chapters of stuff from me in the last 24 hours! No complaints lol!**

**So what's to come? Next chapter is the chemo, and then after that it's going to be a lot like Let's Go Back to the Start where each chapter is a month of time!**

**Review and let me know what you think, okay!?**

Chapter 6

Saying the words gave it a sense of finality that he hadn't yet experienced. His heart clenched in pain. He had cancer. And the looks of disbelief and horror on the faces of the people he loved the most were only making it worse. They had to know, but he wished he could have done it over the phone or something.

Spencer squeezed his hand and led him over to the love seat. Once she had him settled in she sat down next to him, looking at him for a second before turning to their friends. It was outrageous the way she could comfort him with just her eyes. Her thumb stroked out a soft pattern over his knuckles. "Everyone needs to calm down," she said it a voice that was both soft and demanding at the same time. "Your anxiety isn't helping anything. Calm the hell down and ask us what you need to know or go home until you can do that."

"Is that what your doctor's appointment was?" Hanna was the first to recover, her voice significantly smaller than usual.

He nodded. "They wanted to confirm my diagnosis with some tests."

"And that's why you were upset last night?" She looked at Spencer, her face pinching.

"I mean, I don't remember it, but I'm sure. I can't imagine something else making me upset with- with that on my mind." Her hand tightened around Toby's. "We just thought that you guys needed to know."

"Damn it," she cursed, grabbing a pillow. "And I made fun of you guys for it. Damn it, I'm such an ass."

"No," he shook his head. "No, Hanna you're perfect, I swear. I don't want anyone walking on eggshells around me. I'm going to find a way to beat this."

No one spoke for awhile. He couldn't look up because if he saw any tears he was going to lose the little composure that he had. He clutched Spencer's hand like she were his lifeline and stared at the carpet, finding patterns in the fluffy white.

"Toby?" He looked up to meet the brown eyes of one of the best friends he had ever had. Emily was actually his best friend in the world, with the obvious exception of Spencer.

He gave her a questioning stare just before she leaned forward and tightly wrapped both arms around his neck. He squeezed his eyes shut and held onto her with his free arm. There was something about Emily's embrace that was making him feel things that he wasn't ready to feel. He had already broken down in front of Spencer today, and that had been bad enough. But breaking down in front of your wife and your friends were two very different things. He knew, he just _knew, _that Spencer would always love him. There was no doubt in his mind that she would always be there for him. And while he was fairly certain that his friends would always be in his life, it was much less of a sure thing. And he didn't want to hasten their departure by appearing weak.

Spencer tried to drop his hand, but he clung to her. He needed her. He couldn't describe why, but he knew that there was physically no way that he could let go of her hand right now. She seemingly understood what he needed because held onto his hand with both of hers.

"I'm sorry," Emily murmured into his neck. "I'm so sorry. Can I do anything?"

How was he supposed to tell her that the only thing she could do for him was not leaving him? That was too manipulative. She wouldn't see it that way, but he certainly did. He just kept a hold of her and shook his head. "Thanks." His voice was barely audible, but he knew she heard it.

"So are you going to go bald or something? Because I could probably shave my head in solidarity if you want," Hanna teased. That's what she did in stressful situations. "I think I could probably rock the bald look."

He laughed. "Maybe Caleb doesn't want to date a bald chick."

"I'll just steal your lady out from under you," Caleb brought back their signature joke. His face was twisted in pain, but Toby appreciated the effort.

"I mean, I'd rather you not," he laughed. "I think I'll keep her around."

"I see how it is," Hanna huffed in fake annoyance. "You only like me for my hair."

Caleb shrugged. "You said it, I didn't."

And this was why he loved these people. There was unyielding support. He instinctively knew that they'd be there for him. He knew it like he knew anything, and he couldn't be more grateful. And he knew that he'd do the same for any one of them were the situations reversed.

"Okay, everyone get out now," Spencer laughed, tossing a pillow in Hanna and Caleb's direction. "I have to check my husband into the hospital in two and a half days. So we have a lot of _hanging out _to do until then."

Emily and Caleb both looked shocked at the short time frame, but Hanna just screwed up her face at the mention of hanging out. Whenever Hanna said hanging out she definitely implied something a bit more physical than he was sure that Spencer had in mind, but he was also sure that was why she chose those particular words.

Hanna stood up and grabbed Caleb's hands. "Let's go. I don't want to even think about the kinky stuff that these losers get up to in their spare time."

He chuckled and stood up. "You want a ride, Em? I wouldn't want your innocence to be stolen by these depraved lunatics."

She nodded. He could see that she was trying to not look so emotional, but was failing miserably. He definitely felt her pain. When something like this happened it was hard to remain positive. But he appreciated her attempt more than he would ever be able to tell her.

After promises to visit were made all around their friends left, and he was once again left alone with Spencer. He released her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into him. The other hand gently cupped the side her head, tangling its fingers up in her hair. "Thank you."

"For what?" She genuinely had no idea what she did for him.

"For making them stop with the pity. For making them leave. For just- for knowing exactly what I need before I even say it." His lips found her hair. She smelled so good, so uniquely her. He was fairly confident that he could find her in a dark room solely based on smell.

She sighed, her hot breath warm against his neck. "You don't get it, do you? You don't have to thank me for those things, Toby. There's literally nothing I want more than to be there for you. I can't do much in the way of physicality, but you better believe I'll always protect you emotionally."

His throat tightened. He wanted to cry, but instead he decided to pull a Hanna. "So when you said we had a lot of hanging out to do..."

She laughed. "Oh, I wasn't kidding." She twisted in his arms, finding his mouth with her own. "It might be awhile before we get alone time again. We might as well make it count, don't you think?"

He brushed his nose over hers in the lightest of Eskimo kisses, his heart positively swelling with love for the girl who had changed his whole life. "I think that's a great idea." Before he could think about it too much he wrapped an arm around either of her legs and pulled the both of them up off the couch. He was weak, and his hold on her was a bit shakier than usual, but he knew he could do it. He never would have picked her up otherwise.

"Toby!" She shrieked, half in concern and half in laughter. "But me down."

"I will in a second," he murmured, his lips back on hers. He didn't need to see. He had taken this path more times than he could count. All that mattered right now was showing her how much he loved her. Because he didn't know when he'd get to do it again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Running late for work. Leave me beautiful things to come back to okay.**

**From here on out the format will be more like let's go back to the start with each chapter, or maybe two chapters, encompassing a month.**

**I didn't have time to proofread this, so excuse any typos! LOVE YOU ALL. Seriously the best reviewers in the whole world.**

Chapter 7

He watched as Spencer packed an overnight bag. As much as he hoped she would come home during the nights he knew that it wasn't likely, impossible was a better word. She wouldn't leave him, and he was torn. As much as he always wanted her by his side it was ingrained in him to protect his wife... to keep her safe and happy. A hospital wasn't exactly ideal for that.

"Are you ready to go?" She smiled softly and reached for his hand.

Not at all. Not even a little bit. He actually could never remember a circumstance in which he had been more terrified. But he would be strong for her as long as he could be. He knew that it wasn't necessary, that she'd love him no matter what, but he w_anted _to be. He wanted to be the rock that she could depend on. It was something that he could still do.

So he nodded and let her help him up. As they walked out the door he wasn't even tempted to look back. He loved their apartment, but not because of the space itself, but because it was the first home that he shared with Spencer. But honestly? Home was wherever she was. As they walked outside, the warmth of the sun on his face reminded him that he would miss the outdoors.

It was only a month. You could do anything for a month.

_His shoulders ached as he drove significantly over the speed limit. It had been a grueling month of construction and repairs. And while it wasn't exactly his ideal venue, he was proud of what he had been able to accomplish. But now it was time to go home._

_All throughout his month in Delaware he had attempted to find some spare time, to get back to Philly to see her. But it had never worked out, and it was killing him. But now he was so close he could practically feel her presence. He pulled his truck over to the curb and looked through the window at the back of her head._

_She didn't look different, but still she looked more beautiful all the same. The way her brown curls grazed against the middle of her back, the way her slim shoulders looked relaxed and poised at the same time. He could literally stare at her all day. He thought that he loved her as much as one person could love another, but right at that moment he realized that he was wrong. He loved her more now than he ever had, than he ever thought possible. There was something about being away from the person you loved to help you sort out your priorities. The money was nice, but it wasn't worth it. Nothing was worth it when she wasn't around._

_He pulled his aching frame from the truck and began to make his way toward her. He was about halfway to her when she suddenly turned around, her hair fanning around her face and her lips puckered into a perfect o. She hadn't been expecting him, which made this all the better. He glided across the grass, his pace only quickening at the sight of her moving toward him. She was here. He was right here. They were finally together._

_Their bodies collided, and for a second he thought that they would stumble to the ground; but he managed to keep both his footing and his grip on her. "I love you," he murmured, his lips already finding her mouth. "God, Spence... I just love you so much. I love you."_

_"You can't leave me for that long again," she mumbled, pulling away to lean into his embrace._

_He sighed and took in a deep breath of the scent pouring off of her hair. "I'd almost forgotten your smell."_

_"You're a dork," she laughed, leaning back so she could see his face. "And I love you too."_

If he could live without Spencer for a month he could certainly survive being with her in a hospital. He just- he would miss the sun.

"You ready, baby?"

And with a start he realized that they were at the hospital. He nodded and reached in the back for their bags. Spencer tried to take hers from him, but he just rolled his eyes and tightened his grip on it. "Did you bring a book or something?"

"I brought my Kindle," she laughed. He could tell she was more emotional that she was letting on, but he appreciated her attempt at keep him calm. She tenderly took her hand in his and brought it to her mouth, brushing her lips across the back. "Don't worry about anything, okay? I'll take care of everything. You just focus on getting better."

He hesitated, pulling them to a stop just outside the entrance to the place that would be his home for the next month. She looked up at him questioningly until understanding flashed through the vivid brown. She squeezed his hand and lead him over to a park bench just beneath a tree. "We don't have to go in until you're ready, okay? We'll just sit out here and relax in the sun."

The bags dropped to the ground with a quiet thump, and his arms wound their way around her waist nearly as quickly. Sometimes he was sure that she could read his mind, but he had never loved her more for it. It wasn't so much because she found a way to prolong their inevitable entrance into the hospital as it was her unyielding support. "I'm okay, babe. I promise. It's just weird knowing I won't be outside again for so long."

"Anytime it gets to be too much just tell me and I'll either smuggle you out of there or break a window. I'll make it okay for you."

The fact that she was 100% serious was the best part of that impassioned little speech. He laughed and buried his face in her hair for a second before pulling away. "Let's do this."

"Are you sure?" She gave him a small smile and ran a hand through his hair. "We can just hang out for awhile."

"Are you coming with me?" He asked her, leaning into her hands.

"I don't think that anything in the world could keep me away, if I'm being completely honest." She leaned up and kissed his cheek. She didn't ask him about his feelings again. Instead she grabbed his hand again and led him inside. He could hear her talking, but he wasn't listening. He couldn't focus. Every time he got emotional it was like he turned his brain off and focused on something else. Maybe not something happier, but something to get his mind off of his present situation. It had always been a talent of his.

_He didn't have to look for her, because there was no place else she'd be right now. It was their place. He pulled up alongside her car and followed the trail to where he knew he would find her._

_The sun was shining, and it's brightness seemed more pronounced in contrast to his troubled mind. She was hurting, and for as long as he cared to remember her pain was equivalent to a punch to the gut. Her pain was his pain._

_He could see her now, her small back obscured by the bright reflection of the sun off of the town spread out in front of her and the foliage that surrounded her seat. But he knew it was her. He might not have been able to see her clearly, but his heart knew._

_"Spence," he whispered, altering her to his presence before running a soft hand down her back and taking a seat next to her. "Spencer, what happened?" He knew what had happened, but he wanted to hear it from her._

_She shook her head and flinched away from him. "Stop."_

_He slid closer to her and took her hand, the minimal amount of contact he could handle. "Okay, you don't have to tell me what happened. Emily already did. But for the record, she's wrong."_

_"Apparently Melissa's never wrong," she whispered. She lifted her legs onto the bench and hid her face in her knees. But she didn't let go of his hand, and he saw that as a good sign._

_"She is about this." He nudged his free hand under her chin and tilted her face upward. "She's so wrong, Spencer. Tell me exactly what she said." He swiped his thumb below either of her eyes, wiping the tears away._

_"She said I was cold and cruel. And that anyone with eyes could see how ugly I am inside and out..." she trailed off before continuing in a fast, breathless voice. "I know that I shouldn't take what she said to heart, but it's like she looked inside me and found my biggest insecurities."_

_"Well that's easy." He leaned down and met her mouth in a soft kiss. "You're far from cruel. You're actually one of the most genuinely kind people I've ever met. And cold? That's a joke. You can just look in your eyes and see how warm and kind you are."_

_"You have to say that," she mumbled, trying to divert her gaze._

_His fingers were unrelenting, voicing her to maintain eye contact. "The thing is, I don't. There's no blood relation here. There's no reason for me to keep you in my life other than choice. I choose to love you, Spencer. And I like my choices. I'll choose you again tomorrow and the next day and until the day that I die. You'll always be the person I love the most, baby. And that's the truth."_

_"What would I do without you?" She laughed shakily. "How would I ever be able to navigate this shitty life without you by my side?"_

_He shook his head with a smirk and dropped down for another kiss. "Furthermore, she's the most wrong about the ugly thing. You're the most stunning person that I've ever laid eyes on."_

When he tore himself from the memories he found himself in a pretty plain room. The flat screen tv on the wall was nice, as was the plush couch in the corner. At least Spencer'd have somewhere comfortable to wait. "When do we start?"

The nurse that led them to the room gave him a broad, very fake smile. That was something he could do without. If having cancer wasn't bad enough he had to deal with these fake, cheery women constantly. Spencer looked at him like she knew exactly what he was thinking. The nurse glanced between the two of them before answering. "The doctor should be in shortly. We want to begin as soon as possible."

"The doctor is here," Dr. Green laughed as he breezed into the room. "Talk about opportune timing."

Toby smiled at the man who was trying to make everything alright. He appreciated his sincerity and his transparency. If something was going wrong he wanted to know, he wanted to prepare himself. And he actually trusted Dr. Green to tell him. "So we get started now?"

"Yes." Dr. Green nodded at the nurse who immediately began to hook him up to a series of machines. He watched her in fascination for a moment before turning to Spencer.

She had a pained look on her face. When she saw that he was looking at her she gave him a halfhearted smile and settled in on the couch.

"Okay, Mr. Cavanaugh there are a few things that you should be aware of. There are a number of side effects that are almost universally experienced. Primarily nausea and a loss of appetite."

"Should he still try to eat?" Spencer asked from the couch.

He shared a quick smile with Dr. Green before the doctor turned to his wife. "Mrs. Cavanaugh, I wish all my patients had family as enthusiastic and involved as you. It would make this a much better place to be. But yes, he should try to eat anyway. It'll keep his strength up."

The nurse's cold fingers probed his arm just before shoving a large needle into his arm. He hissed in pain.

"Sorry." The nurse grabbed a bottle of water from the cabinet by the bed and handed it to him. "Hydrate and try to aim your inevitable vomit for this, okay? We gave you steroids and anti-nausea medication. The chemo is starting now and should last for about four hours." She passed him a pink bucket and an encouraging smile as she left the room.

"Good luck, Mr. Cavanaugh," Dr. Green wrapped his hand around his wrist and squeezed gently. "If you need help press the call button."

Almost immediately the nausea hit him. He thought that he was prepared for it, but he was definitely wrong about that. It kind of felt like someone stabbed him in the stomach and was trying to pull his throat out through the hole.

"Toby?" He felt the mattress shift as she sat down next to him. "Hey, are you alright?"

He wasn't sure that he could speak without puking on her, so he just reached for her hand. "Spence," he choked out when he didn't think that he could hold it back any longer.

As always she knew exactly what he needed before he could even ask. She passed him the bucket just in time. The world went away as he heaved the contents of his stomach into the little pink basin. "Oh baby," she murmured, her small hands rubbing out a soothing pattern on his trembling back. "Oh, I'm so sorry. The nausea medicine probably hasn't kicked in yet."

He nodded as the feeling passed. He leaned back into the pillows. "I'm sorry."

She rose her eyebrows. "Did you get that out of your system? Because if you apologize for something that's not your fault again I'm going to smack you with a pillow." Her eyes scanned the tables and stopped on a package of wet wipes. She took them and put a hand behind his neck, gently cleaning his face. "You're okay. You'll be fine."

He nodded again, not really feeling up to talking. His eyes felt heavy, and he suddenly felt ravenous. He wanted to eat something, but he didn't want to puke like that again. It was actually one of the more painful things that he had experienced.

Spencer fingers brushed over his cheek before curling up next to him. "Do you remember that time you almost kicked that guy's ass in the club Hanna dragged us to?"

His laughter hurt his stomach and warmed his soul. He loved Spencer, but she really shouldn't drink. Her and alcohol caused all kinds of trouble, although this one really wasn't her fault.

_His hands tightened around her waist as she fell into him. Her giggles shook through her body and into his. "Toby," she laughed. "Toby, I have something to say."_

_"What's that?" He chuckled, pressing her lips to the top of her head. She was so cute when she drank, like unbelievably adorable. But she was also like a toddler, getting herself into all kinds of trouble. He was actually scared to let her get further than arm's length away from him._

_"I need to pee." She whispered, like it was some kind of massive secret._

_He rolled his eyes and tightened his grip on her, half carrying her back to their table. "Em, can you take her to the bathroom?"_

_Emily looked up from her drink with a smirk. "Did someone have too much to drink?"_

_He rolled his eyes and smiled amusedly. Emily knew the joys of drunk Spencer as well as he did. "Something like that."_

_Spencer scoffed, leaning away from his body and into his arms. "I've maybe had one."_

_"Yeah, alright Spencer." She stood up and took Spencer from Toby, her swimming muscles coming in handy. "We'll be right back," she smiled at Toby and hauled Spencer off in the direction of the bathroom._

_He watched them go for a second before sitting in Emily's vacated seat and turning to Caleb. "This is literally my least favorite place on the planet. Alcohol and sleazy drunk idiots are like my exact combination of hell."_

_"I don't know," his friend chuckled. "You and Spencer seemed pretty cuddly and cute on the dance floor earlier."_

_"That's because she too is drunk. And you know how she gets when she drinks."_

_He laughed and nodded. "One time she told me she'd punch me in the throat if I didn't cut up an apple for her."_

_"Ah, you got off easy, my friend." He opened his mouth to explain how she puked on his shoes, but all funny stories left his mind as Emily came back to the table alone._

_"Your wife is an idiot," Emily groaned. "I was hoping she came back here. She threw a bar of soap at me and darted from the bathroom laughing like a hyena. I have no idea where she went."_

_He closed his eyes for a second, pushing down the unnecessary annoyance. He knew how Spencer was when she drank. He didn't need to get frustrated with Emily over something she genuinely couldn't control. "Okay, can you help me find her before she gets herself into trouble?" He didn't wait for a response before sliding away from the table and toward the bar._

_He didn't see her at first, his heart twisting in genuine fear for a second. But then he saw her. Her brown curls drifted down her small back gracefully. She was so beautiful, so poised, even when she so drunk she could barely walk on her own. Even then she was the most beautiful person she had ever seen._

_"Come on, baby. Come with me and I'll show you a good time."_

_He watched the rough hands of some drunken idiot clasp his hands around her shoulders. Spencer tried to shrug away, but his grip was unrelenting. "Yeah, I don't think so," she mumbled. "You smell bad, and I don't think you're very pretty."_

_"I can take a shower. Come on, I'll show you a good time."_

_And right then he got to her. He yanked the other guy off of her and stepped between them. "I think she said no."_

_"Ah, come on man, don't be a cockblock." He reached around him, but Toby pushed his arm out of the way, seriously tempted to kick his ass._

_He rolled his eyes and glanced over his shoulder. "Spence, do you want to go with him?"_

_"No thank you." She leaned into his back and took her drink from the bartender._

_Toby sighed and snagged it out of her hands. She had officially had enough. He wrapped both arms around her and lead her back to their friends. "Spence, how do you manage to find trouble everywhere you go?"_

_"It's a talent," she laughed and leaned up to kiss him sloppily. "I love you because you always rescue me. My hero," she laughed and stumbled into him._

_He kissed the top her her head and settled her into the inside seat of the booth, refusing to let her escape again. She'd be fine as long as he was there. He slid her a glass of water and took her hand. "Just drink your water, Spence," he laughed and kissed her cheek._

"You're the literal worst drunk on the planet," he laughed. As they talked he slowly grew unbelievably hot. It was like a ball of fire was in his chest. "Is it warm in here?"

She didn't answer. Instead she hopped up and pointed the fan at him. "Is that alright? Or do you want me to see if I can find a nurse to mess with the thermostat?"

"No, that's perfect," he reached for her, indicating that she should join him on the bed. "Get back over here, Spence."

She smiled and curled back up next to him. "My point in bringing that up, as amusing as your commentary on my inebriated state was, is that you always protected me when I couldn't do it myself. You always kept me safe. I'll do that for you now, okay? Whatever you need, whenever you need it... I'm here sweetheart. Just relax. Just breath, okay? Don't be afraid to ask me for what you need, because that's what I'm here for."

He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how much he appreciated her presence. But his churning stomach didn't allow that. "Spence," he mumbled, jolting upward. She passed him the bucket again. The only thing that kept him sane as he vomited was the feeling of her soft hand on his back.


	8. Chapter 8

**Okay, I'm operating under what I said in Let's Go Back to the Start... that Toby was sick for a year. And as I had their anniversary happen just a few weeks after his death, I'm going to say that the last few chapters happened in early October. So then he will die NEXT early October. Hope that makes sense! The timelines WON'T fit together perfectly. I just can't do it because I hadn't planned on writing this when I wrote Let's Go Back to the Start. But yeah. Just go with it okay? hahaha. Would it really be a PLL based story if the timelines worked? And at least I'm admitting it!**

**Sidneote, who needs Spoby Christmas spoilers? Not me because even that stupid picture of them cuddling beneath the Christmas tree KILLED ME. I'M DEAD. MY HEART JUST EXPLODED.**

Chapter 8

**November**

He was pissed. Not because he was still in the hospital. Not because he was sick and tired of constantly being sick and tired. No, he was pissed because he was going to be stuck in the hospital on his and Spencer's anniversary.

"Hey, are you alright?"

He smiled at his wife. She didn't need to see how upset he was. Because if she did she would do whatever she had to do to cheer him up. He scratched the tender skin around his arm IV. "I'm fine, Spence. I'm just- I don't know..."

"Tell me what you're thinking, sweetheart." She moved from her chair to the edge of his bed.

His hand gliding over the sheets and into hers. He carefully wound their fingers together. "I just- I don't want to be here today."

Different emotions passed over her face so quickly that he could quite grasp onto one. She scooted backwards and leaned against the pillows with him. Her head rested lightly on his shoulder, and she lifted their intertwined hand up in the air, playing with his fingers as she contemplated a response. "Not exactly the ideal anniversary venue, I know. But we're together, and I'm pretty sure that's the most important factor."

"I think the dentist or a library would be a better anniversary venue," he sighed, bringing their hands down and pressing his lips to the back of her hand.

She laughed and tilted her head over to kiss his neck. "Have I ever told you how much I love the dentist?"

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me," he chuckled, carefully moving his IV arm to the side of her face, tilting her chin up so he had better access to her mouth. He pressed a gentle kiss to her lips before pulling away and touching his forehead to hers. "You always were a bit of a nerd."

"Shut up!" She mumbled, her eyes on his lips. She leaned up and kissed him quickly, pulling away before he even had time to respond. "There's just something really satisfying about being told you have no cavities. I don't know, it's like winning a competition against yourself."

He laughed harder at her explanation. "I always knew you were competitive, but really?"

"Shut up," she laughed again. She moved to get up as the nurse came in to check his vitals and change the cocktail of medications flowing through his IV, but he tightened his arm around her. The only way he was going to manage to keep his insanity intact today was if she stayed close. Because she was right. Their being together was definitely the most important thing. In the end, it was the only thing that mattered.

She laid back down, tucking herself into the space below his shoulder. She fit there perfectly, and honestly, if he had his way she wouldn't go anywhere else. "What do you want to do today?"

"What do you mean?" They would probably just lay around like they did every day. If he felt like being a pain in the ass they could go for a walk, but he was too weak to push his IV pole on his own. And he knew Spencer struggled with the heavy metal pole, so he didn't want to make her do that.

"Well," she mused, pulling his hand to her lips and pressing a kiss to each of the knuckles. "we might be stuck in this hospital room, but we can still celebrate our anniversary."

"_I'm _stuck in this hospital," he clarified. "you can leave anytime you want."

"I'm not going anywhere without you, baby." She smiled over at him. "I was thinking that I could maybe pick us up some decent food. If that's too much I'll hunt down the best soup this town has. And maybe I could pick up a couple movies from home or the Redbox."

He sighed and tucked his face into her hair. Surrounding himself with her scent was one of the only things that could make him feel better. "I just feel like I'm ruining your life, Spencer."

She sat up abruptly and took both of his hands, pulling him up along with her. Once he was steady she released his hands to frame his face. "I don't want to hear you talking like that ever again Toby. I would rather be here with you than anywhere with anyone else. Now, I'm going to go get that food, okay? Are you in the mood for anything special?"

And in that moment he wasn't sure that he had ever loved her more. "Maybe some pasta from that Italian place? And as for the movie, get whatever you want. Watching your reactions is always the best part." He leaned in to kiss her. "Thank you," he murmured.

She smiled at him, that special smile that only she could do. It was loving, happy, and sad all at the same time. "I'll be back in an hour. You try to get some rest, okay?" She stood up and leaned down to brush her nose across his. "I love you."

"Love you too," he whispered, genuinely starting to feel tired. The chemo was nearing completion, and he'd start his last round tomorrow. But for now he was doing pretty alright. As she turned to walk away he snagged her wrist. She turned back around and gave him a questioning stare. "Happy Anniversary," he murmured, pulling her down for another kiss.

She smiled and touched her forehead to his. "Happy anniversary, baby. I love you." She kissed the tip of his nose before pulling away and sliding through the door.

He watched her go with mixed feelings. He was happy she was leaving for awhile. She might be just getting them food, but she was getting out of this hell hole for awhile; which was something she hadn't done often in the past month. She showered down the hall, she ate food from the cafeteria, and she left only to go to class. And even then she made sure to have Caleb, Emily, or Hanna to stop by.

But honestly, having her there made everything easier. It was always easier when she was there. When she wasn't around the crushing magnitude of what he was experiencing weighed heavily on his shoulders. But when she was around it was like she took on a little bit of the weight for him. He didn't want to burden her with anything, but she took it on willingly. And it just made it easier to breath. It made it easier to see that maybe there was an end to all of this.

But what if there wasn't?

_Two weeks in and the chemo was as bad as it had been. The nausea wouldn't stop. It literally felt like something was clawing its way through his stomach and reaching up through his body for his throat. Sometimes it was so bad he couldn't speak. All he could do was bend over his bucket and hope to God that the vomiting stopped soon._

_It felt like a ball of fire was in his chest. Heat radiated throughout every limb of his body. It felt like he was being burned alive from the inside out. But if that weren't enough, for the first time in his life he felt weak. Even sitting up used more energy that he possess. He leaned back on his pillows and closed his eyes, praying for it all to be over soon._

_He struggled to sit up as his stomach started to churn. His heart ached as her gentle arms wrapped around his waist and hauled him up. "You're alright," she whispered, gently rubbing his back. "Just get rid of it, okay? You'll feel better afterwards."_

_Eventually his stomach stopped heaving. Sweat poured down his forehead, and he collapsed onto her shoulder. "Spence-" he coughed._

_"You're alright," she murmured. "I love you. I love you so much. You're alright." __She slid back down on the sheets, pulling a blanket securely over him. "What can I get for you?"_

_"Just stay," he rasped. His sweaty forehead leaned against her bare shoulder. "Don't go." He was shaking from limb to limb, and the only thing that was allowing him to keep any kind of grip on reality was her arms around him, and her pacifying whispers in his ear. It didn't matter what she was saying. It just mattered that she was there. She was with him._

This was teaching him things. And the biggest thing he was learning was that he didn't want to die, but her certainly didn't want to live the rest of his life like this... too weak to sit up... confined to a hospital bed. That wasn't living. He also had learned the depths of his life for Spencer and vice versa. Because if she didn't really love him she wouldn't stay for this. She wouldn't perpetually be by his side. She wouldn't hold his hand as he cried. She wouldn't wipe away the sweat from his brow. She just wouldn't. But what would it do to her if this didn't turn out the way she wanted? What if he died?

"I'm back!" She sang as she walked into the room. She was either in a really great mood or putting on a front for his sake. Either way, he couldn't deny how much he appreciated it.

He smiled at her happy face. It was nice to see her in a good mood. "You're beautiful."

She laughed and set the bags on the table by his bed. "You're crazy," she gestured to the messy bun her hair was pulled up into and the large hoodie she had pulled over her thin frame. "I look like a college student that overslept for their 7 am class."

He held an arm out for her. She smiled and sat down on the edge of his bed, curling up against him. "No," he disagreed, his lips immediately finding her hair. "You're so beautiful."

She smiled and pressed her face into his neck. "You're kind of cold, baby. Do you need me to find you another blanket?"

"You're better than any blanket," he admitted. She was like a space heater.

"Do you want to eat?" She nudged away, but he put a heavy arm over her waist.

He shook his head. "Not yet. But- Can we talk about something a little hard?"

"Of course," she murmured, pulling herself up to a sitting position.

He reached to the bed controls and moved the mattress so that he could sit up too. "I know- I know this is maybe a little premature. I know that you aren't going to want to talk about it, but I _have _too."

"What is it?" She reached for his hand, nothing but concern coloring her face. That was nice, because in a minute she was going to be pissed.

He took in a deep breath. "I'm scared. I know I've said that, but I'm not scared for the reasons you might think. I'm so terrified of leaving you, Spencer. I don't want to die. I'm not ready for that, but if it happens that'll be it. I won't have to live with the repercussions. But you will, and I can't handle the thought of hurting you like that."

"You aren't going to die," she tried to sooth, but he wasn't having it.

He shook his head. "You don't know that. I feel like I'm dying right now, and this is all in the name of making me better. But what if it doesn't work? You heard Dr. Green. It doesn't work 50% of the time. And God knows I hope I'm one of the ones that make it, but I might not be, and-"

"Toby-" she tried to interject in a pained voice, but he cut her off.

"No, don't try to tell me I won't die. Don't do that because I might. I need to be prepared for that possibility. But if I'm honest with myself I'm more worried about you. Because I know if you d-died on me... I just- Please, Spence just..."

"What do you want me to say?" She interrupted harshly. Her hand was still in his, and her eyes were filled with tears. "What? That I'll be okay without you? That I'll be fine if you die? Because I won't be. I'll be devastated. I have no idea how I'll go on without you. You're- Damn it, Toby you're everything. And I can't lose you. I can't-" She cut herself off, her voice bordering on hysterical. A lone tear trailed down her cheek, quickly followed by one after another.

"No," he whispered in a broken voice. "No don't cry. I'm sorry." He leaned forward and kissed away the wetness. "Please don't cry."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell, I just-" She shook her head, leaning into him. "I don't-"

"No, I know," he told her. "I get it. I wouldn't want to think about this either, I just- we'll put it on pause, okay? Because I'm not going anywhere right now." He pulled back and looked down at her intently, still working on clearing the tears away. He hadn't meant to make her cry. He _hated _it when she cried, especially when it was his fault.

She nodded, leaning forward to rest her head on his shoulder. 'Just focus on getting better. We'll take this one step at a time."

He pressed his lips to her hair. He didn't know how long they stayed like that before she pulled away suddenly. "How about that food?"

"Sounds good to me." He couldn't stop the smile from appearing on his face as she pulled her lean frame up from the bed. She was so stunning, that even now she still took his breath away. And right there he promised himself that he would make this the best anniversary possible, all things considered.


	9. Chapter 9

**Cough cough lastchapteronlygotfourreviewsandimreallysadaboutit cough cough**

**This chapter took an unbelievably long time. If you know anything about the medical aspects of this I'm sorry if it's not accurate. Also I know it's highly unlikely but It's my story and my fiction so shhhhh. You all know you like it anyways.**

**Next chapter will be up faster if you decide to review. Not a bribe, just a fact.**

**URGH I have to go to work. Okay byeee. Review please!**

Chapter 9

**November**

"Mr. Cavanaugh, I'm happy to tell you that you're ready to be done with chemotherapy and the bone marrow transplant treatment." Dr. Green shot him a happy smile. "And we've done the tests on all of the people you presented to us, and surprisingly your wife is a match for your bone marrow transplant. I've never seen this happen before, so it was a lucky coincidence."

The doctor's announcement was a roller coaster of emotions. He leaned back wearily on the bed, too weak to even lift his head from the pillows. The final round of chemo took every ounce of strength from his body, and he couldn't be happier that it was over. But he was less than thrilled that Spencer was a match for him. The only reason he hadn't protested as soon as they took her blood was that he believed there was no way she could possibly be a match. But she wasn't going to get _surgery _for him. It just wasn't happening.

"Great," Spencer enthusiastically replied to the doctor's statement before he was even able to formulate a coherent thought. "What do I have to do?"

"Well, we've already done the blood tests and ensured you were a candidate for the general anesthesia so-"

"Wait," he groaned, struggling to pull himself up. "Wait, hold on."

Spencer looked at him, obviously seeing exactly what he was going to say written all over his face. She turned to the doctor. "Could you give us a minute?" When he looked reluctant she continued. "I'll have a nurse page you once I knock some sanity into my husband."

Dr. Green nodded reluctantly and walked through the door. Spencer watched him go before turning to him with fire in her eyes.

"Um, should I go too?" Emily stood up from her spot in the corner, scratching the back of her head awkwardly. Toby opened his mouth to tell her to stay, but she shook her head. "Nah I'm actually going to go get a snack. I don't need to get in the middle of your adorable little protective lovers quarrel."

He watched her leave apprehensively because he was pretty sure that Spencer was going to kill him. "Spence-"

"Are you seriously going to ask me not to do this? Because if you're really going to ask me that I'm going to have to laugh at you as I march my ass out of this room."

"Spencer." He reached for her, indicating that she should join him on the bed. She sighed dramatically but did as he asked. His hand grasped her arm just above her elbow, and he tugged lightly, using the very last bits of his energy. She got his meaning and curled up next to him on the bed, resting her head gently against his chest. "Spence, you've already given up so much for me. I can't ask you to do this too."

"Toby," she breathed his voice out in this way she had. Like she was caressing him with her words. "You don't have to ask. Because I'm volunteering. I _want _too. Please let me do this for you, baby."

He tucked his face into her neck. "There's so many complications..." It wasn't that she wanted to help him. He obviously didn't want to die, but if she got hurt trying to help him he'd never be able to forgive himself.

"Yeah, soreness and weakness," she mumbled into his hair. "I can handle it." She pulled away from him and gently tilted his head up to look at her. Sincerity was dripping from every inch of her face. "Listen to me, Toby. I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. Please let me do this."

He hesitated, and in the pause she continued. "I hate to be manipulative, but actually I really don't if it's what works. You know you would do this for me, Toby. You know you would. I don't doubt it for even a second, just like I've never doubted you. We would go to the ends of the earth for each other. That's who we are, and you know that as well as I do. It's just been something that's been understood. You **know **you would do this for me."

"I would," he responded without having to think about it. "I would do it without hesitation, but God knows that you would be protesting the same way that I am with you. Because as stupid as it might sound, as long as you're okay I'll be fine."

"But I won't be okay if I lose you Toby. Please just let me do this."

There was a long pause before he nodded into her, kind of hating himself for agreeing. But knowing he'd be an idiot not to. Because how lucky was he to have a wife that loved him enough to do this and was an adequate match? He wouldn't take this choice away from her.

She leaned against his shoulder and brushed her lips across the top of his ear. "I love you."

* * *

><p>After about a two hour wait Dr. Green came back in the room with a wheelchair. "Are you ready, Mrs. Cavanaugh?"<p>

She briefly pressed her lips to his neck before pulling away and unfolding herself from her spot next to him. "I was born ready," she laughed.

Dr. Green nodded and glanced back at him. "Toby, we'll come back for you about halfway through Spencer's procedure, okay?"

"Like hell," he groaned, mustering all of the energy he had to pull himself into a sitting position. "I'm coming too."

"Toby." He had never liked the sound of his name until her first heard it spill from her lips. Spencer turned back to him and ran her fingers along his jawline. "Baby, you don't have to come. I'll be fine."

He grabbed her hand and laced their fingers together. He took a second to pepper a series of kisses along her knuckles before responding. "I agreed to this Spencer. But I'm not going to leave you to do it alone. I'm coming."

She looked into his eyes for a long second before leaning in to kiss him softly. She rested her forehead against his as she pulled away. "I love you."

His heart swelled with love for his wife. No one could make him feel as safe or loved as the girl in front of him. "I love you too." He turned to the doctor. "Will the bone marrow be alright if I wait until I see that she's okay first?"

"Toby," she protested, but he cut her off with a soft kiss.

"Shhh," he murmured. He turned to Dr. Green. "I just need to make sure she's okay. I need to see her breathing and I need to see her opening her eyes before I focus on myself."

"You two are sweet," the doctor gestured to the wheel chair. "And I already figured you'd want to come, Toby. That's why I brought the chair. And that should be fine, baring any complications."

He fought down the urge to tell Spencer that he changed his mind at the mention of complications. Spencer wrapped an arm around his back and helped him up. He leaned heavily on her shoulders. "Sorry," he mumbled, embarrassed that he couldn't even walk by himself.

Spencer took his hand and Dr. Green pushed the chair through the door and out into the hallway. "Don't be embarrassed, Toby," she bent down and whispered in his ear, only loud enough for him to hear. "It's okay to ask for help when you need it, and I shudder to think of where I'd be if you had never carried me anywhere."

He brought her hand up to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to her wrist. It was hard to think about where he'd be if he didn't have her. With just a look she could tell exactly what he was thinking and he loved her for it. "Do you remember-"

She groaned, cutting him off. "We're not supposed to talk about that," she laughed, knowing exactly what he was going to say.

"Wait, I want to hear this story," Dr. Green chimed in from behind them.

"Sorry, cone of silence," Spencer interjected, squeezing his hand in warning.

It really was pretty bad, so he mimed zipping his lips shut. "Sorry," he laughed. "she has too many stories on me to make this worth it."

Spencer nodded in approval. They rounded a corner and entered a large room with a bed-like thing in the middle. "Alright, Spencer." Dr. Green motioned toward a curtained off corner of the room. "There's a hospital gown in there for you. Go change really quickly, don't leave anything on under the gown. Then we'll get you settled."

She nodded, leaned down to kiss the top of his head, and breezed through the curtain. As soon as she was out of sight he sank back down into the chair, even this small amount of spent energy exhausting him completely. Dr. Green looked down at him knowingly. "No one would think less of you if you needed to go back to bed, Toby."

But he shook his head. "She hasn't left me for a single second since this whole mess began. I'm not going to leave her now that she needs me."

Dr. Green smiled. He looked like he was going to say something, but Spencer came back out before he could speak. Even when she was dressed in a potato sack-like hospital gown she was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. It was something about the way she moved; the way she gracefully strode toward him while never taking her eyes off of his face. It was the way her hand curled out around the back of his neck, bringing his head securely against her waist. It was the way her eyes sparkled when she looked down at him. Even now, even after everything he had been through in the past month; even after she wiped his sweat away and cleaned up his vomit and dried his tears... she still looked at him like she loved him. He didn't see pity in her eyes. He only saw unconditional love and acceptance. And it was everything to him.

"Are you ready for this, Spencer?"

She nodded wordlessly, but her eyes told him a story as she looked at him. He saw all of the things he usually saw when he looked at her. Love, acceptance, determination, passion... but he also saw fear. He took both of her hands in his. "You don't have to do this, baby. I swear, I won't hold anything against you."

She shook her head, stubborn to the very end. "I'll be fine. Just- be careful, okay? Don't do anything stupid because you're worried about me."

A large part of him wanted to scoff at her worry, but they both knew that it was a definite possibility so he just nodded. "I'll just sit in this chair and wait for you."

"Okay." She dropped his hands and turned to the table.

"Spence-" he whispered, reaching out and snagging her wrist. "Spencer, hold on." He tugged her down and onto his lap. His hands immediately found her face, pulling her in for a kiss. His hands tangled up in her hair, and her hands ran along his jawline.

They only pulled apart at the sound of an uncomfortable throat clearing. He took her heated face in his hands and touched their foreheads together. "Thank you," he said as fervently as he could muster. He spent so much time trying to talk her out of it that he hadn't let her know how much he truly appreciated this. It wasn't lost on him that this gesture could literally save his life. "Thank you."

A tear slid down her cheek and she closed her eyes, leaning into him. He kissed her tear away and pressed his lips to the top of her head. She'd be fine. She had to be alright.

Spencer blew out a long breath that both tickled and warmed his neck. "Okay," she whispered, pulling herself up. "Okay, I'm ready." She stood up and took his hand, squeezing it one last time before walking over to the table and the doctors waiting for her.

He couldn't hear as they gave her instructions. He couldn't focus on anything as the pair of doctors helped his wife onto the bed that would hold her as they took out the bone marrow. He barely felt it as Dr. Green pushed him closer to Spencer. When he reached her she was situated against the pillow. She reached out and grabbed his hand. Her fingers were trembling slightly, but he pretended not to notice because he knew that she wouldn't want him to.

He took her hand in both of his and kept his eyes on hers. He was with her, and he wanted her to know that. He wasn't going anywhere. He'd never leave her.

A doctor gently lifted her head and placed a mask over her face. The mask served to make her appear so small, covering nearly her entire face.

"Deep, big breaths Mrs. Cavanaugh," the anesthesiologist told her from by her head. "Your eyes are going to feel heavy. Don't fight it."

She didn't take her eyes off of Toby as she nodded. He reached out with his spare had and traced absentminded patterns on her neck. Because he was watching her so diligently he saw as her eyes went hazy and unfocused. He kissed her knuckles as her eyes drifted shut for the last time.

He let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes. It went against his entire nature to let Spencer put herself in danger for him. It felt so wrong.

* * *

><p>It was taking too long. An hour of the unknown was too much for him. If he didn't know that she was okay right now he was quite literally going to lose his mind. He could never remember quite feeling like this in the past. The closest thing he could remember passed through his mind like a picture book of horrors.<p>

_"Stop it!"_

_Toby wanted to look at her. He wanted to take her into his arms and tell her that everything was fine, but he was honestly pretty sure that if he took his eyes off of her father that he'd punch him in the face._

_Mr. Hastings started to move forward. Toby tensed, ready to defend himself. But suddenly she was between them. He wrapped his hands around her upper arms, fully prepared to push her out of harms way. But her dad stopped in front of them. "Spencer, don't get in the middle of this!"_

_"I **am **in the middle of this!" She inched backwards, firmly pressing her back into his chest. _

_He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Mr. Hastings' hand whipped out lightning fast as though to smack her. He wrapped his other arm around her and twisted their bodies so that Mr. Hastings' blow landed harmlessly against his shoulder. He held her for a long second before pulling away. Spencer was frozen, hunched over in his arms._

_"Spencer," Mr. Hastings whispered, reaching out for her._

_He literally saw red, only keeping his cool to the point that he realized murdering his girlfriend's father was a bad plan. "Don't touch her," he warned in a dangerous voice._

_He could feel Spencer shaking against him. She shrugged out of his arms and started toward the door without another word. He shot Mr. Hastings a dangerous look before running after her. He could hear Mr. Hastings following after him, but he didn't care about that. He only cared about Spencer._

_"Spencer!" He caught up to her halfway across the lawn, grabbing her arm to stop her._

_She stopped and looked up at him, a sheen of tears distorting her eyes. "Just let me go."_

_"Never," he whispered, in the most heartfelt voice her could muster. "I'll never let you go."_

_The grass rustled behind them as Mr. Hastings approached. He tensed and wrapped both arms around Spencer, protecting her with his body. He really doubted that Mr. Hastings tried to hit her again, but he wasn't going to risk it. "I'm being really calm right now, Mr. Hastings. But you need to back the fuck off."_

_"Let me talk to my daughter." Mr. Hastings was unrelenting, trying to push Toby off of Spencer._

_He shrugged Mr. Hastings off and pulled Spencer toward his truck. He helped her in before shutting the door behind her and climbing into the driver's side. The doors locked just before Mr. Hastings' fist slammed into the glass on Spencer's side. She flinched away from the door and scooted across to the middle seat. He wrapped his arm around her once she was within reach. "Do you want to talk to him?" He asked quietly. If she wanted to stay here he wouldn't be able to sleep. He'd sit in his truck on the street, a sick feeling rising up in his throat at what he caused. But he had to chest because this was her life and her choice._

_But she just shook her head slowly. "Just drive."_

_Mr. Hastings' fist slammed into the glass again. "Spencer get out of the truck!"_

_Toby started the truck up and backed out of the driveway, leaving Mr. Hastings' angry figure behind. "I'm so sorry, Spencer."_

_"For what?" She turned toward him. "You didn't do anything wrong."_

_"If I hadn't said anything he-"_

_"Are you seriously apologizing for that? Toby," she breathed his name tenderly, "Toby, no one has ever defended me like that before. No one has ever stood up for me... believed in me... the way that you do. You have nothing to apologize for."_

_He pulled over in front of his loft. "Stay with me for a few days? At the very least give him time to calm down?" The thought of her in the same room as her father would make him sick. The thought of that man laying a hand on her was enough to send him into an uncontrollable rage. What if he hadn't been there to stop it?_

_But she nodded, alleviating his fears. "But I don't have any other clothes here. I might have to borrow some of yours," she teased._

_She had at least a drawer full of her clothes at his loft, but he certainly wasn't going to point that out. "You in my clothes? The horror." He dropped a soft kiss to her lips. "I think your goal is just to force me into walking around naked."_

_"You caught me," she giggled. The sound warmed his heart. At least he could make her kind of happy again. "I love you, Toby."_

_"I love you too."_

"Toby, if Spencer comes in here and you still have that constipated look on your face she's going to freak out!"

He knew that Hanna was right. Spencer was as protective of him as he was of her. If she saw him so upset she was going to do nothing but worry. But he couldn't shake it off. This never should have happened. She never should have been forced to do this for him, but she was. He was about to get surgery himself, but all that he could think about was Spencer. Was she okay?

Before he could answer Hanna a rattling noise caught his attention. He slowly turned toward the door and saw two nurses wheeling in the stretcher. Dr. Green followed direction behind them. As the nurses unloaded Spencer onto the bed in her recovery room he turned to Dr. Green. "Is she alright? It went okay?" His voice sounded kind of frantic, but he wasn't embarrassed. This was Spencer.

"It all went fine. She took it great, and there weren't any complications detected. She'll be fine."

He started slightly as his chair started to move. He turned and smiled distractedly at Caleb as he pushed him to the side of her bed. As soon as he was within arms reach he took her hand in both of his, being careful of her IV, and brought it to his lips. He was feeling a roller coaster of emotions. Gratitude, fear, uncertainty, love... just so much. He loved her though, that was the dominate thing. God, he loved her so much.

"She'll be waking up any minute now, and she'll be very groggy. She'll need to keep the oxygen mask on for a little bit longer as we regulate her vitals, but within an hour she should be aware and talking." He glanced down at Toby. "We've got her room all ready for you, and we'll need you to come soon, okay?"

"When she wakes up," he whispered, still not taking his eyes off of her. He could see the rise and fall of her chest. He could feel the steady beating of her pulse in her wrist. He just needed to see her eyes. If he could see her eyes open he would know that everything was okay.

"Toby, we'll look after her for you." Emily looked up from her book on the other side of Spencer. "We'll make sure she's alright."

"And by the time you're done and awake she'll probably be well enough to be waiting for you."

They were right. And he trusted them with Spencer, it was just that he didn't want to be without her. He didn't want her to think that he forgot about her, that he was putting himself over her. Because what she had done here was so selfless. She deserved to be everyone's full focus for awhile. Even though she would tell him he was being ridiculous, he couldn't help but feel that way. He traced his fingers along the edges of the oxygen mask that dominated her face. She was so beautiful. It was a fact that he was well aware of, but he still couldn't stop himself from being struck by it at random moments. She was so, so beautiful. And he was so incredibly lucky that she chose him, that she continued to choose him.

"Toby-"

But the voice stopped. Everything stopped at the sound of a garbled groan coming from the bed. Her fingers twitched in his hands, tightening slightly around his. "Spencer? I'm right here, baby. I'm right here."

She groaned again, blinking her eyes open slightly and immediately shutting them again. She blinked them open again and found his eyes. They weren't focused. They were slightly hazy and cross eyed. But she was awake, and she was aware. She was okay.

"Alright, I'm ready."


	10. Chapter 10

**Okay! This is the last November chapter! Next chapter is December and Christmas. And that should probably be only one! **

**Review, okay? Things are going to progress pretty quickly from here, so prepare yourselves, okay?**

**ALSO!? Who bought 1989?! Because S2G I LOVE IT. Taylor Swift is the freaking best.**

Chapter 10

**November**

The first thing that he was aware of was a dull buzzing. It tickled his ears. Slowly that buzzing transformed into intelligible words.

"How do you think he's doing?"

"I don't know, but if he's still unconscious by the time that Spencer gets in here she's probably going to burst an aneurysm or something."

They wouldn't be talking so cavalierly about Spencer if she wasn't okay. And that was the most important thing to him. Everything else would come in time. The procedure either worked on him or it didn't, but at the very least he could rest easily now that he knew he hadn't hurt his wife.

"Right? Aren't they disgusting? Like honestly, they both got surgery and all they can think about is each other."

"Would you three shut up and help me over there?"

Even in his semi-conscious state Spencer's voice both set his body at ease and put all of his nerve endings on edge. She was here. She was here, and she was okay. **She was okay. **Nothing else mattered right now.

He only knew that she was next to him by her soft and gentle fingers on his face. She traced abstract patterns along his jawline. "I know that it's probably nice sleeping and all... Less painful for sure. But I miss you, baby. Come back to me now, okay?"

He felt her lips against his forehead. "I'm doing fine. Maybe a little... a lot... sore. But overall I'm doing perfectly fine. And hopefully you are too. Hopefully this ended all of this, because you don't deserve the pain. You don't deserve being sad all of the time. Maybe this did it. But if it didn't I promise that I'm still here for you. You'll never be alone. Just wake up."

She took on too much. He could hear just from her voice the burden his well-being placed on here. He hated it. He hated being a source of sadness for her, because she deserved nothing but joy. She saved him from so much... the thought of more of his baggage on her shoulders literally and figuratively killed him. He mustered up all of his strength and let out a pained groan. His throat felt raw and painful, but he knew that the noise would catch her intention.

"Toby?" Her voice breathed hopefully. Her fingers tightened around his hand. "Can you open your eyes for me, baby?"

"Just open your eyes, Toby!" Hanna groaned. "We need you two to kiss and stop being so gross."

"Wouldn't that be more gross, Han?" Caleb chuckled.

He heard a smacking noise, and he assumed that Hanna had smacked Caleb. He groaned again and put all of his energy into forcing his eyes open. It only lasted for a second, but it was enough for him to catch a glimpse of her face. The broad smile... the tired eyes with the sheen of tears... her pale and sweaty skin. That single glimpse of her was enough to give him the strength the rip his eyes open again.

She smiled and lean forward. She put a hand on the side of his face. "Are you okay? Do I need to get a nurse?"

He put his hand over top of hers and leaned into it. "Don't go." His voice sounded horrible. Like gravel tore up his vocal chords.

She just looked at him for a long moment before nodding. "Okay. But are you okay? Are you in pain?"

There was some pain, but it wasn't anything significant. He mostly just felt weak, so he shook his head. Although, if he were honest he'd probably downplay getting his arm gnawed off by a grizzly bear if he thought the truth would frighten her. "A-are you okay?"

She rolled her eyes as she leaned down and lightly ran her nose over his in their signature eskimo kiss before resting her forehead on his. "I'm fine," she whispered, her lips just above his own. "I'm perfectly fine now that you're awake."

"Be honest with me, Spencer." He recognized the hypocrisy in his statement, but he didn't feel guilty.

She sighed, her hot breath warming his cold lips. "My hips are really sore. Kind of like that time I fell down the stairs in the library. And I'm not sure that I have enough energy to do much of anything, but that's just fine. Because there's no where else I want to be."

He nodded seriously and pulled her head down to give her a soft kiss. "Thank you. Seriously, you didn't have to do this."

"Yes I did." She smiled in a way that lit up her whole face. "You know I did."

Maybe she did, but he wished she hadn't had to. He kissed her one last time before turning to his friends. "You guys didn't have to stay."

Hanna rolled her eyes. "Stop being so self-sacrificing, Toby. You would have stayed for any one of us and probably baked cookies for the nurses."

Spencer laughed, and he knew why. "Don't," he told her, fighting to hide a smile. Hanna didn't need to know how accurate her statement was.

_"What are you doing?" Spencer asked him as she walked into the kitchen._

_He jumped at her unexpected presence. "Um-"_

_"Are you making cookies? I didn't know you could bake!" She took a spoonful of the mixture into her mouth. "This is really good. What is it?"_

_He was momentarily distracted by her lips on the spoon. That was how he knew he loved her. Even something as trivial as her eating was mesmerizing. "Um- white chocolate and cranberries. I'm taking them to my mom's nurses. They've- they've taken really good care of her, and-"_

_She smiled and dropped the spoon, pulling him in for a kiss. "You are the sweetest person in the world, Toby Cavanaugh."_

"You two are cute with your little secret looks," Hanna laughed. "But now that you're awake, Toby, I think Caleb and I are going to head out."

He smiled at the best friends that he had ever had. His childhood was lonely, but it was worth it since it led to people like this in his life. "Thanks for staying, guys. Seriously."

Caleb clapped his shoulder. "I'll come free you from all this estrogen as soon as you're home." He nodded toward Spencer. "This one's got finals coming up, so she's going to need a babysitter."

He rolled his eyes at the babysitter comment, but knew that it was accurate. She wasn't going to leave him alone for awhile. "Looking forward to kicking your ass at some more video games," he chuckled.

"Yeah right," Caleb smirked and turned to Emily. "You want a ride, Em?"

The brunette nodded and rose to her feet. She came over and kissed Toby's cheek. "Feel better, okay?"

All this attention was getting uncomfortable, so he was almost glad that his friends were leaving. "See you soon, Em."

And with that his friends were gone. He was left with Spencer, which would never be a bad thing. If he were on a deserted island with the company of no one else in the world he would have wanted it to be Spencer. "Now what do we do?"

"Do you want me to run to the Redbox or something? Maybe get some food from the cafeteria?"

He rolled his eyes again and held his arm out to her. "No, I want you to get up here. I'm still feeling tired, and whether you admit it or not I know you are too."

"Toby-"

He didn't know what her deal was with getting on the bed with him, but he would wear her down today. Because the only thing that he wanted in the world was to cuddle with his wife. "Please, Spence."

She softened and hesitated before nodding. He frowned when she winced, pulling herself to her feet. But she recovered quickly, unfolding herself onto the bed with him. She laid her head on his chest and grabbed his far hand, absentmindedly playing with his fingers. "Toby?"

"Hmm?" He took a strand of her soft hair into his free hand and twirled it around. Playing with her hair was one of his favorite things.

She hesitated. "Nevermind."

"What is it, Spence?" She was never one to hold back what was on her mind.

"I just-" she paused again. "I love you so much. And I know- I know you feel like you're burdening me right now, but don't, okay? Because I still feel so lucky. Every single day that I'm with you I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Anyone who is lucky enough to know you... to be loved by you... they all feel the same way. You're never a burden."

His throat felt tight for a second. With just a few words she alleviated every worry that he had had over the last month. "I love you too," he choked out.

* * *

><p>The last few days that he spent in the hospital were some of the longest of his life. All he wanted to do was go home. He wanted to feel the sun again. He wanted to get ready for Thanksgiving. He wanted to shop for Christmas presents. He wanted to sleep in his own bed again. All he wanted to do was get back to his life.<p>

It wouldn't be the same. He wasn't in remission yet, but he was feeling better than he had in a long time. Maybe the bone marrow transplant had worked, but even if it hadn't he was thankful for this little peaceful interlude.

"Are you ready?"

He grinned at her as she zipped their bags shut. They were finally going home. "I don't think that I've ever been more ready for anything in my entire life."

She laughed and slung both of the bags over her shoulders as an orderly wheeled in the wheel chair that would take him to the parking lot. "Let me have the bags, Spence."

She paused, obviously thinking much too hard about it. Even if he was walking he'd insist on carrying them, but he was sitting. They'd just rest in his lap. "Spencer-"

"You can have one of them," she compromised, plopping his much lighter bag in his lap. It was small, but it was a compromise. Something she actually wasn't that awesome at. He would take what he could get.

As the went through the hallways of the hospital he was struck by just how weird it was. He hadn't left this building in over a month, but he knew so little of it. All of his surroundings were unfamiliar. As the approached the glass entrance to the hospital he smiled. The sun felt nice against his face. Even if he was still sick, he was sure that going home for awhile was the best thing for him.

"Hanna and Caleb said that they'd come over later. And Emily told me that she'd be by tomorrow. She has to work tonight, and-"

He grabbed her wrist, cutting her rambling off. She looked at him questioningly, but got his intent as he tugged her downward. He pressed a long kiss to her lips. He didn't care what the future held, because right now things were perfect.


	11. Chapter 11

**I got so many worried reviews, but this chapter is fluffy as hell guys. Like I'm giggling as I write this. So never fear.**

**Also, there's a TFiOS quote in here. Not to take credit for what's not mind.**

**The reviews for this story have dropped off a lot. Are you still out there, readers!?**

Chapter 11

**December**

"Are you sure you want to do this, baby?"

He wound a steady arm around her waist and nodded without hesitation. This was always his favorite part of Christmas, and he wasn't going to let it be stolen from him. He pressed a careful kiss to her temple. "But if you'd rather stay in where it's warm-"

"Shut up," she sighed. "Of course I'm coming." She tossed him his coat and pulled her own out too. But instead of pulling it on she just held it loosely in her hands. "Are you feeling alright?" She asked him hesitantly.

He pulled on his jacket before looking down at her. She hadn't asked him often because she knew that he didn't like it, but he couldn't help but soften at the vulnerability coloring her features. He took her coat from her and draped it on her shoulders. "I'm feeling perfectly fine. Still achy, still a little sick to my stomach. But overall I feel great." And he was telling her the truth. He felt fine thanks to her.

She studied his face for a long moment before nodding her approval. "Then let's go. They probably are going to have a lot of no shows with this weather, so I don't want to be late."

"Wait." He grabbed her wrist to stop her. She turned and looked at him questioningly. He smirked and pulled a hat over her curls and leaned in to kiss the tip of her nose.

She laughed and rolled her eyes. "You better still want to be seen with me after I pull this thing off and my hair turns into an afro."

"I love all the Spencers an awful lot, but cold and shivering Spencer might be my least favorite," he explained, tucking his hand into hers and leading her toward the door. "I can't focus on anything other than getting you warm again."

She stopped and tilted her head to the side. She smiled softly for a moment before leaning up to kiss him. "How did I manage to snag you?"

"I think the reverse of that question is the real mystery," he murmured against her lips. "Are you ready to go?"

"Did you take your medicine?" She asked him as she blindly reached behind her to grab her purse and keys from the table.

He nodded, and pulled her back against him, resting his chin against her head. He had just gone through something horrific, but he couldn't help but still feel so lucky every time he looked at Spencer. They relaxed in each other's respective embrace for a long moment before pulling away. He was content to just hold her all night, but if they were going to make it they had to get going.

They walked together into the cold night, the heavy snow and blustering winds hitting them like a brick wall. He pulled Spencer close, doing his best to shield her from the wind. He walked to the driver's side of the truck and held the door open for her, waiting for her to get settled before closing it behind her and walking to the passenger's side of the car. He wished that he could drive, because he knew how much the snow made her nervous. But the medication that he was on made that a very bad idea. "Are you alright?"

She gave him a look. "Question my mad driving skills again and I'll smack you. I don't care how heavily medicated you are." She put the car in drive, focusing on the road in tense silence until they arrived at Philadelphia's largest homeless shelter. Volunteers always put on a Christmas program, mostly geared toward the kids, and he loved it. He had never experienced homelessness, but he _had _experienced feeling hopeless... like there was no way out. He was finally coming out of the other end of that crushing despair, and he owed it to those who were still there to do what he could to help.

He parted ways with Spencer at the door after sharing a chaste kiss, and watched her make her way to her assigned station, the craft table. She slid her coat off, and he couldn't stop the smile. How did she look so beautiful doing something mundane as taking off a coat? But that was love. He gave her a final glance before walking to the present table.

He spent the evening helping children and parents pick out the perfect Christmas present, knowing full well that this might be the only present that some of them got. There was something about volunteering. Helping people was great, but it gave you a warm feeling inside that you couldn't even replicate elsewhere. He handed a little boy the toy dump truck he picked out and was rewarded with a big, toothy grin.

After two hours the crowd began to wane as families dispersed to their respective beds. He glanced over at Spencer. A curtain of silky curls cascaded down the side of her face and over her shoulders. A little girl was perched in her lap, and the two of them worked on a picture together. Spencer's radiant smile only grew as the girl let out a loud peel of laughter.

He was one hundred percent sure that he had never seen something so precious before. There was something indescribably attractive about Spencer taking care of children. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that she'd be an incredible mother, whether she believed it or not. She had just enough bad parenting to not come out damaged but to know exactly who she didn't want to be.

So, as soon as he saw the little girl vacate his wife's lap he knew exactly what he needed to do. He quietly excused himself and walked over to her. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

She turned around at the sound of his voice, concern in her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he assured her. "I'm fine, I just- come with me for a second, okay?"

She nodded, so he tucked his hand in hers and led her to some abandoned supply room. "I wanted to give you something."

"Toby-"

He shook his head, cutting her off. "You've been so great. I know I've said this continuously, but try to hear me, alright? I wouldn't have come close to getting through this without you. Not only were you there every single second, but you also gave me the one thing that has a chance at saving me. How can I ever thank you enough for that?"

"You don't have-"

He smiled. "I know you don't think I have to, which makes me want to thank you even more. I was planning on giving this to you tonight, but after seeing you with the kids? I couldn't stop myself from doing it right now." He pulled the jewelry box from his back pocket. "Hanna tried to help me pick it out, but in the end I saw it and knew there wasn't anything else for you."

His hands were shaking as he gave it to her. Partially because he wasn't sure that she'd like it, but mostly because he was just feeling so grateful to her and for her. He watched nervously as she opened it, and smiled at the sound of her gasp. "Toby," she breathed in the most heartfelt voice he had ever heard. "It's too much."

He stood next to her and looked down at the sparkling Scrabble piece with the S etched into it and thought back to the day that made it so significant.

_Maybe it was stupid to ask her over, but after his latest episode with Jenna he needed to be reminded that there was some decent people in the world. And Spencer was one of the most decent that he had ever met. He fell in love with her the way you fall asleep. Slowly and then all at once._

_But now that he knew he loved her he also knew that he couldn't allow Jenna to touch him. Never again. He had Spencer. He had someone worth fighting for. He never felt like he was worth it by himself, but Spencer was. And if that meant he had to use half the money in his sock drawer to stay in a hotel for a couple days he would do it._

_"Glyceraldyhyde. And with the triple word score that's 125 points." She put the end of the pen in her mouth and bit down. She looked at him from underneath her eyelashes. He found her nerves and competitive nature to be completely adorable. And furthermore, she had just played the letter he had been waiting the entire game for in the perfect spot._

_"Goofball. With the triple word score and 50 point bingo bonus it's 165 points." He smirked as the realization that he won came over her. Pissing her off was more fun than it probably should be. "We can play again if you want?"_

_She rolled her eyes. "Let's just watch a movie."_

_"Aw, but kicking your ass at Scrabble was kind of fun." His eyes dropped to her lips._

_"It was not a total ass-kicking. You-" she protested._

_He couldn't resist any longer. He leaned forward and trapped her lips in a soft and gentle kiss. He felt like he had to protect her, like he had to keep her safe. But at the same time she made him feel safer than he ever had. She made him feel wanted, and she'd never be able to thank him enough for that. "I love you," he murmured with a smile. It was still new. The novelty of the words hadn't worn off yet, and if he was honest, he doubted that they ever did when it came to Spencer._

_"I love you too."_

"It's not the fanciest thing, but I thought you'd like the meaning behind it." He shifted nervously. "I saved the receipt, and if you don't-"

She stood on the tips of her toes to kiss him. "You are the most perfect husband there ever was."

"So you like it?" He didn't know why he was so nervous.

"You're way better at this kind of thing than you think you are. I love it almost as much as I love you," she confirmed, kissing him again. "I love you, baby."

"I love you too," he smiled and dipped down to press another soft kiss to her lips.

* * *

><p>"Who wants eggnog?" Emily asked happily from the kitchen. She left before she got their answers, because with Emily it didn't matter. She loved Christmas so much, and all of that holiday cheer would be forced down their throats whether they liked it or not.<p>

"What is eggnog anyway?" Hanna asked from the big, fluffy chair she always commandeered when she came over. "Like is it made out of eggs? That sounds pretty disgusting, if I'm being honest."

"And milk and cream and sugar," Spencer muttered distractedly from the couch in front of him. She jerked the game controller up as she shot Caleb's character in the back. "Dead, again? Who's the Christmas video game champion? That would be me."

He laughed and grabbed a strand of her hair, twirling it around her fingers. Judging by the sour look on Caleb's face, he hadn't found her domination and competitive nature as adorable as he had. "Can we put the video games away now? Because Rudolph is about to come on."

"If we were all characters in Rudolph Emily would be Santa Claus!" Hanna laughed. "And Spencer would be a nicer version of that mean elf that wants everything to be perfect."

Spencer shrugged and climbed onto the couch next to him. He wrapped an arm around her as she settled into his side. "Caleb would be the white monster guy."

"Excuse you!" He laughed from the candy bowl. Someone had a sweet tooth tonight. "Why?"

Spencer shrugged again. "There's a bit of a resemblance, don't you think?"

Caleb protested loudly over Toby and Hanna's laughter. Hanna held out an arm for him, and as he joined her on the chair she laughed again. "She's kind of right, baby. You do look a little like that in the mornings." She dodged Caleb's playful swat and turned to Toby speculatively. "Toby, you'd be the little dentist elf."

"I was going to say that!" Spencer laughed against him. He liked the way the vibrations from her laughter traveled through his body. "I don't know why, but it's totally true."

"Eggnog!" Emily announced, gliding back into the room with a tray of drinks. She passed one to him, and he knew it was because it didn't have any alcohol in it. His medication strictly forbade him from drinking, which was fine. He didn't do it much anyway. Spencer grabbed her drink and sat back next to him, leaning against his chest. He was feeling so lucky today, so blessed. He was feeling better, he shared this incredible kind of love with his wife, he had the best friends in the world, and it was Christmas. It couldn't get better than that.

"Okay, I waited long enough for your Christmas beverage, video game loving selves! I want presents!" Hanna demanded, rising from her chair so fast that Caleb, who had been leaning on her, fell over.

He laughed. "You go first then, Han."

She nodded eagerly and started to pull her intricately wrapped presents. She plopped a small box into his lap. He waited until everyone had their presents before carefully unwrapping his. Inside was a small tape recorder. He didn't know why Hanna had thought that he'd like that, and he honestly wouldn't have picked it out for himself, but he couldn't stop smiling as he looked at it. It was perfect.

She tossed a balled up piece of wrapping paper in his direction. "You just seemed like the kind of person that would have a lot of thoughts. Maybe you can unload some and listen to them later."

It was actually incredibly thoughtful. "Okay, can I go now?" He had gotten everyone the same thing, besides Spencer. But he had picked up one for their apartment too. He handed one to each of his friends and Spencer. He sat back as they opened the wrapping paper to reveal picture frames. Inside the frame was his favorite picture of the five of them from Hanna and Spencer's college days. They were sprawled out together in one of the girls' dorms. At the top of the frame Family was etched out in elaborate cursive.

The room was silent for a second before Emily came over and wrapped him in a hug. Caleb and Hanna quickly followed until they were in kind of a dog pile on the couch. "Wait!" Spencer grunted as they began to shuffle. "This calls for a picture reprise." She handed her phone to Hanna, who was on top. She took a selfie style picture, and leaned back into them. It might have been weird, but the five of them sat there for awhile like that, just remembering what it meant to have a family that you chose.


	12. Chapter 12

**It's all down hill from here :(. Next chapter will be another January one. And if you read LGBTTS you probably know what February and March will bring :).**

**You guys are seriously going to make me cry with your support. You're so wonderful.**

**SIDENOTE. I have a job interview in the nearest big city to me on Monday. And it's basically my dream job and I'm SO NERVOUS. Send me thoughts, prayers, or whatever you do, okay?! :) :) :)**

**And review. I have to be at my current job at FOUR AM tomorrow. The only thing that will make that okay will be your reviews!**

Chapter 12

**January**

He rolled over and shared another lazy kiss with his wife. In the two weeks since Christmas life returned to the euphoric state that he had been in before the cancer had taken its toll on his body. His days were spent lounging around the house, cleaning, cooking, and watching Spencer work on her thesis. He didn't feel perfect, but he was on his way. The way she chewed on her lip and lightly tugged on a small strand of her hair was indescribably attractive.

He ran a gentle hand down the length of her body, coming to rest in the pronounced dip of her waist. He leaned in to kiss her again, this time with passion and purpose behind it.

"I already called Caleb," she breathed against his lips. "He'll come over in the morning to stay with you while I'm taking my final."

He didn't need a babysitter, but if it made her feel better he certainly wasn't going to fight with her. He kissed her again before settling down on the pillows. "I'm beat."

She nuzzled her face into his chest and laid an arm around his waist. "I love you," she mumbled tiredly.

It was difficult to find words to express what she meant to him. A simple I love you didn't feel like enough anymore. But it was all he had to give her. "I love you too, baby."

* * *

><p>It didn't feel like morning. He didn't know how long he had been asleep, but it wasn't nearly long enough. At first he didn't know what woke him up, but the sudden, shooting pain in his chest solved that mystery quickly.<p>

The month was bitterly cold, and the chill in the air wasn't helped by Spencer's insane need to sleep with a fan on high speed. It usually didn't bother him as long as she was happy, but right now it was cause for concern. Because he was absolutely positive the room was freezing, but he was burning up. He wiped away the sweet pooling on his forehead and carefully lifted Spencer's head from his chest and deposited it on a pillow.

Once he was certain that she was still asleep he pulled his trembling body from the bed and stumbled into the bathroom. He made it just in time, hugging the porcelain and emptying his stomach into the basin over and over again until nothing was left.

He nearly jumped out of his skin as he felt her cool hand against his hot neck. He hadn't heard her come in, but there was something inexplicably comforting about her presence. "Spence-"

He couldn't see her, but he felt her uncertainty. "I think I should call Dr. Green."

"No," he gasped, another bout of vomit temporarily halting his words. "No, please. I have an appointment on Tuesday. Can't we just live oblivious for a few more days?"

"Toby," she whispered, pushing his hair back and bringing his head to her chest. Usually he wouldn't have let her take on any of his weight, but the feel of her body against his was the only thing holding him together. She leaned against the bathtub and tightened her grip on him. "Is- Are you sure that's a good idea?" She asked him hesitantly with her face in his hair.

It was probably the worst idea he had ever had, but he was still going to do it. It was only two days. What was the worst that could happen? He nodded and turned his face into her chest, unwilling to see physical signs of her disappointment as he nodded. She would want him to go, he was sure of it.

They laid there together in silence, and it felt like forever but it also felt like no time at all. He awoke from his stupor at the soft beeping of Spencer's alarm clock. They still laid there for awhile, but he could tell by her steady breathing that she was awake. "Are you mad at me?"

"What? No! Why?" She put her hand on the side of his face, encouraging him to look up at her.

He shook his head. "I just- I know that you want me to go, but I'm- I'm just afraid. I'm scared it's back, and if I can wait two more days to find out that my life is going to be hell again? I'd rather take it, but- but I'll call Dr. Green right now if you want me too."

She shook her head. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Just- if it gets worse promise me you'll call me? I don't care if I'm in the middle of my test, okay? Let me be there for you."

As soon as he nodded she squeezed him tightly before releasing him completely. "I need to go get dressed. Are you okay?"

He nodded again. "Don't worry about me, baby. Focus on school and then come back to me."

She looked reluctant, but eventually she nodded her head. It wasn't like she had any choice. If she were going to graduate on time she had to go take the test. She helped him back to bed before shuffling through her side of the closet. She pulled out a sweater and a pair of jeans, and just managed to get dressed before a soft rap came from the door. She looked down at him. "Do you want to stay here, or...?"

He shook his head and pulled himself up. "If Caleb's coming over I'm not going to be rude." As he got to his feet he stumbled a bit, but Spencer's arm around his waist steadied him. They walked together to the couch where she lowered him down. She moved to walk away, but he caught her elbow. "Spence-"

"Shh," she dropped a loving kiss to his forehead. "You don't have to say anything, okay? Just lean back? I'm going to talk to Caleb for a second and then I'll be right back."

Without waiting for him to answer she pulled away and gracefully walked into the kitchen. He could hear the tenor of her voice raising with every unintelligible word. She was more worried about him than she'd let on, and he already knew that. But to have it confirmed kind of made his heart break. He was already in pain, but knowing that he was upsetting his wife was probably the worst part.

_"You can't let them talk to you like that," he said, his voice containing more of an edge than he meant. But it wasn't because he was mad at her, far from it. It was because he wished that he could destroy anyone who was rude to her. She deserved nothing but happiness._

_She pushed away from him and turned so that her back was to him. "What am I supposed to do, Toby?" She murmured, her voice breaking over his name. "They're my parents. They've always been like this."_

_He quickly spun her around, feeling like the world's biggest bastard at the tears pooling on her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry." He leaned in and kissed the wetness away. "Don't cry, baby. It's okay."_

Spencer was so tough, so strong, that breaking her in any way would nearly kill him. He never wanted to hurt her.

Before long she was back in front of him, and he had to work to neutralize his expression. She took both of his hands in hers and squatted in front of him. "Are you sure that you want me to go? I can call my professor, and-"

He leaned in and pressed his forehead to hers. "Go be brilliant, baby. I'll be here waiting for you." He eyed Caleb walking into the living room. "I mean unless I get tired of waiting. Then I might call Hanna."

Caleb rolled his eyes and plopped down at the end of the couch. "You're getting pretty brazen about your love affair with my girl, Cavanaugh. Although I guess I did just spend time with your wife in the kitchen," he laughed. "Speaking of that, get out of here Spencer! You're interrupting man time."

She rolled her eyes and looked like she wanted to say a lot more, but simply kissed him again and walked out the door. The second the lock clicked into place Caleb turned to him. "What's going on, man? You look constipated and I think Spencer's half a second away from a mental breakdown."

He didn't want to admit it to Spencer, but he had to tell someone before he lost his mind. He had to admit the thought that he could barely admit to himself, and who better to than his best friend? "I'm scared."

To Caleb's credit his expression didn't even falter. "Of what?"

"I feel terrible," he admitted. "Like the worst kind of flu. I've been puking all morning, I'm freezing, and I can't stop shaking."

"Are you sure that you don't just have the flu? You were in the hospital for awhile, and Emily's sick right now. You could have picked something up."

A small slice of hope twinged at his chest. Maybe he was right, but realistically he knew that it wasn't the case. It was too great a coincidence. And once that piece of hope was ripped away it was like it took a piece of his heart in the process. Everything he had been trying to repress came over him like an ocean wave. "I don't want to leave her, Caleb." Because that was his biggest worry. More than dying, more than the pain... it was leaving Spencer. Here, in front of the friend he was _sure _understood what he was feeling, he was able to admit what he hadn't been able to admit even to himself. One tear slid down his face quickly followed by more.

Because if Spencer died his life would be over. He didn't even know how to breath when she wasn't there. His early life had been saturated by a necessary independence, but somewhere along the line he became so dependent upon Spencer. Her happiness was his, her sadness was his. Losing her? It would be something he would never recover from, and he was terrified of hurting Spencer in that way.

"Hey," Caleb scooted closer and put a hand on his shoulder. "Even if it is back, there's no guarantee that you're going to die. You just have to fight, Toby. You'll have to fight harder than you ever have before."

"But-"

"But if you do die," Caleb continued, willing to have the conversation that Spencer always balked at. "If you do die I'll take care of her, okay? I'll make sure she's alright. Hanna and I will feed her, and we'll make her smile again."

"Chocolate chip pancakes," he said softly, looking at his hands. "I always make them for her as a joke when she's sick."

"Ah," he laughed, obviously trying to lighten the mood. "I'm more of a waffles and fruit guy myself."

He looked back up and into Caleb's eyes. The emotion he was feeling was reflected right back at him in his friend's. "Thank you, Caleb."

Caleb rolled his eyes, and tried to subtly brush a tear away. "Let's stop this girl talk and shoot each other." He tossed him a controller and leaned back on the pillows, ready to start the day that they had told Spencer they would be having.


	13. Chapter 13

**Is there a word for Hanna x Toby friendship? Because you get a lot of that in this chapter, and I kinda love it to be honest.**

**There's a little time jump here guys. We're now at the end of January. I skipped his getting readmitted to the hospital because it wasn't turning out interesting. You all knew what was happening anyway.**

**All the medical stuff in this chapter is from light googling. If you know better don't hold it against me.**

**Next chapter is February, and it'll only be one. And fluffy as hell, in a really traumatic, horribly sad way.**

Chapter 13

He leaned back against the mass of pillows that Spencer had arranged on his hospital bed. For a place that was supposed to take care of sick people, hospitals were alarmingly skimpy on the pillows.

Being back in the hospital was terrible, but the only small bright side was that he had finished his treatment.

_"How are we going to treat it this time?"_

_Thank God for Spencer. The tears that clung to her eyelashes weren't lost on him, but thank God she had the mental fortitude to question Dr. Green. He always froze up when he was emotional. It was just what he did._

_"We try again," Dr. Green explained. "The chemotherapy was not aggressive enough to kill the cancer cells. We could try chemotherapy again, but I think our time would be better served trying a combination of radiation and blood transfusions."_

_"Will he have to stay in the hospital?" She asked, glancing at him. He slid his hand over and grabbed hers gently. He still wasn't up for words, but he could do this._

_"At first," Dr. Green admitted. "But not for nearly as long. He needs to undergo two or three weeks of radiation treatments, and then he can go home between blood transfusions. However, you're going to want to take it easy, Toby. You won't feel nearly as ill, but the physical side effects of radiation are awful. You'll probably lose your hair again, and most people experience significant burning on their skin."_

_He nodded his understanding but still didn't speak. It was all too much._

He rubbed at the skin of his neck. He couldn't see it below the bandages, but it had to resemble a piece of raw meat at this point. Spencer snagged his hand and pulled it to her lips. "Don't itch it, baby. It'll only make it worse."

He tugged on her hand, pulled her down onto the bed with him. She immediately complied, despite her apparent disapproval. And he knew that it wasn't because she didn't want to be with him. It was because she didn't want to mess anything up. But at this point he didn't even care. He needed her close.

"Are you ready to go home tomorrow?" She asked softly, into the skin of his neck. "I mean, coming back weekly for blood transfusions has to be better than this."

He paused, wondering whether or not to be honest with her. "I am, but-"

She looked at him questioningly.

"I don't want you to stress yourself out taking care of me," he said softly. "I can take care of myself to a degree, and you have other things to worry about."

He would have thought she'd protest, but instead she leaned over and kissed him. He felt her smiling against his lips. "You're the most perfect husband imaginable, baby. But I'm not going anywhere. I'll finish my degree, and I'll do it while taking better care of you than any nurse."

It wasn't the answer he was hoping for, but he already knew that he wasn't going to get it. What did he expect, really? Because if she were in his place nothing in the world would have convinced him to leave her. But he wished she'd just run home for a little while. Her face was pale, much paler than it should have been. And judging by her pronounced collarbones, she was losing weight too. She needed to take better care of herself.

"Get rid of those long faces!" Hanna's cheerful voice chirped from the doorway. He had forgotten that they were coming over today, but he couldn't have been more happy to see them. Maybe they would break up the monotony, make things a little easier for Spencer. Because if anyone could convince her to go home for awhile it was Hanna Marin.

Hanna dumped a bag full of DVDs on the bed, and Caleb began pulled various junk food from his clothes. "We had to employ every piece of ninja skills known to man to get this past your dictator nurse out there," Caleb said in a hushed voice. "So you best appreciate this, Cavanaugh."

Before he even had a chance to respond Hanna grabbed Spencer's arm and pulled her away. They sat, talking animatedly. As soon as he saw that Spencer was okay he turned to Caleb. "Thanks, man."

He rolled his eyes. "You don't have to thank me. You'd do it for me too. But you should know, Hanna intends on talking Spencer into going home for awhile, so if that's something you don't want you better let me intervene now."

"No," he shook his head. "No, she needs to go take some time to herself. It'd be nice if Hanna could convince her."

"Well, if anyone can it's going to be Hanna," he chuckled. "So, which one of these do you want to watch?"

"Something with blood, guts, and high speed chases," he shuffled through the dvds. "Maybe-"

But he was interrupted by his wife's nudging her way back onto his bed. "Hey, I think- I think I'm going to head home for a little bit. Maybe get a shower, change of clothes... Unless you want me to stay?"

He wasn't able to come close to hiding his immense relief. She deserved so much better than what he was giving her right now. All he wanted was for her to take some time to herself. "No, no! Go. Take your time, sweetheart."

She nodded, but didn't move. "Do you want me to grab you anything from home?"

He didn't want to make this about him, but he was getting pretty bored. "Maybe some books? I know I'm going home tomorrow, but I think I've read everything here six times."

"You got it," she smiled halfheartedly and kissed his forehead before breezing out the door. She didn't like leaving, he knew she didn't. And he doubt she stayed gone for long, but he would take what he could get.

"Okay, Tobe-ster. We have to have a talk." Hanna plopped down on the foot of his bed.

Caleb threw a bag of Sour Patch Kids at her. "Sorry man, she's been in a weird nickname phase. I don't even know."

She waved him off. "You're worried about Spencer, right?"

He was uncomfortable with this line of questioning, but in all honesty, he knew Hanna well enough to know that she wasn't going to let him avoid the question. That's just who she was. He nodded and looked down at his hands.

"This is literally the only time I'm going to mention this, okay? Because we're not going to talk about you getting worse or dying again. It's bad mojo. But I promise we'll take care of her Toby. Just the same as we'll take care of you now. That's what families do. You don't have to worry about her, because as much as it would kill her to lose you, we'll be here. We won't ever leave, okay?"

His throat swelled with emotion as he just looked at the blonde girl he never thought he'd be close to. Hanna wasn't the kind of person he saw himself being friends with, but he was so glad that he kicked those preconceived notions in the ass. Because Hanna was one of the best friends that he had ever had.

_He sat gingerly on the couch, waiting for Spencer to come down. Her parents were out, thank God. The older Hastings didn't like him much, for some reason that was lost on him. He knew that he wasn't good enough for Spencer, but that didn't deserve quite the level of hostility they bestowed upon him. He shook his head, trying to shake off this mood. He was about to be with Spencer, the one person who had ever consistently given a shit about him. There was no reason to be upset._

_"You're Toby, right?" A blonde plopped down next to him on the couch. "Actually, that's really stupid. I know who you are. We've gone to the same school since kindergarten."_

_He wished he could say the same, but he actually had no idea who the girl was. He had seen her with Spencer and Emily occasionally, and he knew that they were friends. But that's as much as he knew. He smiled awkwardly, but didn't say anything._

_She obviously read his expression because she shoved a hand out for him to shake. "I'm Hanna!"_

_And that's when he remembered who she was. She was in his AP Art class, but she sat at the table with the popular kids. Their paths hadn't really ever crossed, but he remembered her looking uncomfortable when he was bullied. And honestly? That was as much as he could as for from a teenage girl. His tormentors where at least double her size and might have been her friends. "Toby," he mumbled._

_She smiled even more broadly. "I know. Listen," she said in a hushed voice. "Spencer's parents suck. She'll never admit that, and you didn't hear it from me, but they totally do. So you won't get this talk from them. But here's what I'm going to say to you, okay?" She waited for him to nod shortly before continuing. "Spencer- she plays tough, but she's basically a big bowl of jello on the inside. And if you hurt her it won't be something she recovers from easily. She never, **never **let's anyone in as quickly as she let you in. So basically, what I'm saying is if you hurt her I'll kill you with my bare hands."_

_His lips twitched slightly, kind of glad that Spencer had someone like this in her life. Hanna took his amusement the wrong way and continued on an impassioned rant. "I'm not kidding. I'm not sure of my exact strategy yet, but I'm pretty sure it'll involve cutting off your balls and shoving them down your throat."_

_He laughed. "I believe you. But don't worry, I would never hurt her."_

"What are you thinking so hard about, Cavanaugh?" Caleb lightly punched him in the shoulder.

He smirked. "The time your girlfriend threatened to castrate me and make me eat my balls."

Hanna looked confused for a second before laughing. "I had that speech planned for so many years. Half the reason I was excited that Spencer found you was so I could finally give it! But you know what my favorite memory of Hoby time is?"

"Hoby?" He asked her.

"Nickname day," she waved dismissively. "Embrace it or go away. My favorite is the time you gave me the chance to fulfill my lifelong goal of punching someone in the face."

Caleb choked on the sour gummy worm he had just shoved in his mouth. "Excuse me?"

He frowned and scratched at his neck. "You got suspended for a week."

"Wait..." Caleb tried to interject, but Hanna just talked right over him.

"Don't itch," she demanded. "That was the only thing Spencer told me before she left. And anyway, worth it. Who gives getting out of school for a week as a punishment? I got all caught up on America's Next Top Model and started making a dress out of duct tape."

"Someone pay attention to me!" Caleb waved a hand between them. "Care to share?"

"Oh baby," Hanna looked at him like she just remembered he was there. "You don't know this story?" She winked at Toby before dramatically launching into the story.

_It had been a month since he started dating Spencer and gotten the stamp of approval from her best friends. Things were getting better, but they weren't quite perfect. The popular crowd at Rosewood High had two sects, and as Hanna liked to refer to it, the Good and the Evil. Jenna had half of the popular kids at their school at her beck and call, and they couldn't give a shit less if he dated Spencer. They just knew him as the creep that perved on his step sister, as untrue and unfounded as it was._

_And honestly? Popularity and acceptance never mattered to him, but it was nice to be left alone. It hadn't more often than not, but occasionally the jocks in his class would pick on him to deal with the monotony of their own shitty lives._

_He was nearly done with his drawing with two letterman jacketed Neanderthals sat on either side of him. One had a jar of red paint, which he eyed apprehensively._

_"Jenna told us what you did."_

_Toby just kept his eyes on his paper. Some people responded to bullying by lashing out, but he always found it better to just ignore them. They were only after a reaction. And honestly, they'd have to do a lot more than hurt him to get him riled up. He was used to being hurt._

_"She told us how you always stare at her... say dirty things. You got a thing for your step sis, bro?"_

_"Why don't you just do us all a favor and kill yourself."_

_That stung, but he wasn't going to show them that. He moved to get up, but one of them put their hand on his shoulder and shoved him back onto his seat. "Does it look like we're done talking to you?"_

_"Creepy Cavanaugh... Loser Toby... I'm not sure what sounds better."_

_The one with the paint tipped it over so it ran all over his project and onto his lap. He would never admit it, but he was close to tears. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? It wasn't like he called attention to himself or did anything to deserve this. He just walked through the halls with his dead down, impatiently waiting for high school to be over._

_"What the hell?"_

_Ever since she threatened to chop his balls off Hanna vacated the popular table and joined him. The guys bothering him had waited until she had conveniently gone to the bathroom before starting in._

_"Get out of here, Hanna."_

_Her eyebrows rose so high that they disappeared in her hairline. "I don't think so, Noel. I'm not really sure what kind of person gets their kicks by picking on the only person in this school decent enough to not fight back, but I can assure you I'm not that nice. Now, I know that high school's going to be the highlight of your life, and you've got to make yourself powerful, because this is going to literally be the only time that anyone thinks you're worth anything. But if I see you giving him a hard time you're going to have to deal with me. And I promise you, no one in this school will want anything to do with you when I'm done."_

_He leared, looking her up and down. "You know, you're kind of hot when you're mad, Marin."_

_She laughed bitterly and swung her fist ouch, punching him hard in the face. Toby was stunned at the sharp crack, but as soon as he saw Noel move forward he stood up and pushed Hanna behind him. He didn't care about defending himself, but he sure as hell would be defending Hanna after that._

_Mr. Smith chose that moment to walk in, and made a beeline for their table. As he was the coach for the football team, he immediately believed Noel, taking Hanna by the arm to the principal before he got the chance to thank her. Because her standing up for him, while completely unnecessary, was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for him._

"I still don't know why you did that," Toby remarked at the end. "I mean, I appreciate it, but it wasn't worth getting a detention over."

Hanna rolled her eyes. "You really don't see yourself clearly, do you? Almost totally unrelated, but I have a thing for the underdog. But even more than that, you are the most genuinely kind person I've ever met. And you didn't deserve that. Hell, I'd do it again. Got anyone that needs punching."

And in that moment he realized how lucky he was. Yeah, he was going through hell. Yes, he might be dying. His hair was falling out, and his neck resembled a dog's chew toy. But he had the best people in his life, and that meant everything in the entire world.


	14. Chapter 14

**Next chapter is March, and Toby gets a visitor. The scene that happens next chapter is in LGBttS, as is some of this one. Review and let me know how it lives up to your expectations. OKAY, going to bed. love yoooous.**

Chapter 14

**February**

He laid back on the couch, growing more and more listless as time went on. "I can't deal with this." He pulled himself up and turned to Emily, who was watching TV from the chair. "When did Spencer say she'd be back?"

"Not for a few hours yet," she asked him curiously. "Why, what are you thinking?"

"I'm going to go out for awhile." His body ached as he stood to his feet. It would suck, but it was doable. And he needed supplies. He saw Emily begin to protest, so he sighed. "Come along if you must, babysitter."

"Don't be so negative about it, Toby. Think of it as your friends caring about you," she smiled. Emily was great, but he wasn't in the mood to be babied. He was going to spend the day acting like nothing was wrong.

He sighed. "Sorry Em, it just sucks to feel like a burden."

"You're not a burden. And you don't get to complain about something you know that you would do for any one of us," she said firmly. She grabbed his bag of pills and shoved it in her purse. "Where are we going?"

"It's Valentine's Day," he said simply.

"She _hates _Valentine's Day, Toby," she laughed and held the door open for him. "She completely despises it. I think the last time we tried to celebrate anything related to the day we were rewarded with an hour long rant about the commercialization of love."_  
><em>

_"What the hell is this?"_

_He frowned, turning the chocolate box around in his hands. "Candy?"_

_"You got me a big, red box of chocolates for Valentine's Day? Toby Cavanaugh, you're lucky that I like you."_

_He was so confused. "Um-"_

_Spencer chuckled and popped a piece of candy in her mouth. "Do I look like one to enjoy these bullshit Hallmark holidays to you?"_

_He held up his blue, stuffed monkey. "I guess that explains my present then?"_

His smile only grew at the thought. She was such an impassioned idiot, and he absolutely loved her for it. He could listen to her ramble on about gender stereotypes, the sexism of beauty pageants, or any other number of things. But she never got too far before he kissed her. He found her invariably attractive when she got passionate about basically anything. "Pissing her off will be half the fun."

He held the door open for Emily and shut it behind her, mentally formulating the perfect day for his wife.

* * *

><p>Shopping wore him out. Shopping always wore him out, actually. But today it was worse. It felt like he just ran a marathon, but that was okay. He glanced around the room with a satisfied smile, knowing that when Spencer was done complaining she'd love it<p>

He ran a shaky hand down the back of a match book, frowning when the stick fell from his fingers. He tried again and the same thing happened. Was this what he had come too? He could even do a task as simple as lighting a match? He just wanted to do something special for Spencer, but-

Emily poked her head in the bedroom door, interrupting his troubled, internal monologue. "Spencer just called and told me she was leaving campus. Do you need anything else?" She glanced around and grinned. "She's going to chew your head off and then kiss you probably. Because this is perfect for her."

He nodded. Maybe, but he wasn't the right person for her to enjoy it with. She deserved someone who could keep up with her, who could carry her to bed and make love to her all night. He wasn't that person anymore.

"Hey," she took the matches from his hands and carefully lit the candles. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" He was annoyed in his mind, but his voice mostly just sounded like a pained whisper. "I can't even light a candle, Emily." There were tears in his eyes, but they both pretended not to see them. He was deteriorating so quickly... it was just a matter of time before he wasn't able to do anything, and that thought truly terrified him. "What am I going to be worth when I can't even get out of bed? _Nothing._"

Emily sat down the matches and didn't look at him for a moment looking at him with fire in her eyes. Most of the time Emily was calm and sweet, but when she felt passionate about something she let you know. "Toby Cavanaugh, you are the best friend that I've ever had and I'm not going to let you talk about yourself like that. What will you be worth _if _it comes to the point that you can't get out of bed? You'll be worth **everything, **Toby. You'll be everything to the people that love you. You'll still be you, and that is worth everything in the world. Now get off your little pity party and finish getting ready for your wife." She looked at her watch. "She should be here any time."**  
><strong>

Toby crossed the room and wrapped a pair of trembling arms around her. "Thank you."

Before she could say anything they heard the creaking of the front door. They jumped apart and he immediately looked down at his sweatpants frantically. "You look fine," she laughed. "But if you want to freshen up I can distract her for a few minutes."

He nodded gratefully. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Em. Seriously."

She smiled. "Anything, anytime. You know that." And without another word she walked through the door. He could hear the soft murmuring of their voices, but as he moved toward the closet he recognized how pointless it was. Spencer had proven again and again that she loved him in the worst of circumstances. Was she really going to judge him for looking a little worse for wear?

_After meeting Spencer for coffee yesterday he felt a little lighter. Like, maybe if he had one friend everything would be better, easier. He absentmindedly spun the dial of his locker around and around until it clicked open. But as soon as he got it open he wished that he hadn't. Gloops of white stuff oozed down the front of the cool metal and onto his shoes._

_It wasn't the laughter that was the worst part. It wasn't the cruel joke or the mean words. It was the feeling of insignificance, but being reminded that he didn't matter to anyone. Maybe he'd be better off-_

_But before he could finish his lowest thought her small frame crouched on the ground next to him. He honestly hadn't even realized that his body had found the floor. She put a hand on his shoulder and waited until he looked at her. "Don't let them get to you, okay? I'm sorry they're so terrible. But you're better than all of these Neanderthals."_

_She stood, reaching a hand out to help him up. He just looked at her in awe. No one had ever stood up for him like that before. And it wasn't that she was verbally coming to his defense, but sometimes actions meant everything. She brushed off his Chemistry book and handed it to him. "They won't bother you like this again. I'll make sure of it."_

He didn't hear her come in, but he did hear her quiet gasp. He took a small step forward. "Do you like it?"

She turned to him, a soft smile transforming her tired features. "I love it, but you didn't have too."

"I know," he murmured, closing the gap between them and pushing her hair back. "But it isn't much at all. There's bubble bath in the bathroom if you want to start there?"

"Start?" She questioned him with a smile. "Candles? Mood lighting? Soft music? Are you trying to seduce me?"

He smirked and glided his hands down the sides of her body, coming to rest on her hips. He drew her closer, hovering his lips over hers. "Why? Is it working?"

"I don't know," she whispered, her playful tone turning soft and husky. "Why don't you come down here and find out?" She pulled on the collar of her shirt, bringing his lips down to an accessible point, kissing him passionately.

She lead him to their attached bathroom without ever taking her lips off of his. There was every possibility they'd crash to the ground. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered but her. It was like the whole world melted away, and all that was left was the two of them. As always, he let her make the first move into deeper waters. He wasn't sure that she noticed that byproduct of his past, but even though they were married he'd always leave it up to her. He never wanted her to regret anything they did together.

She pulled off his shirt and tossed it somewhere behind them, making quick work on his pants while he started to unbutton her blouse. His fingers fumbled over the tiny buttons, but once she got his pants off she helped him, all the while never taking her lips off of his.

"Spencer," he gasps out, pulling his lips from hers. She doesn't waste any time, sliding her lips down to his neck. As soon as they get her skirt off he puts one hand on the small of her back and loses the other one in her mass of curls. "Oh God, Spencer I love you so much. So, so much."

She pulls away slightly to look at him, her fingers tracing absentminded patterns along the bumps of his abs. "I love you too," she whispers, every syllable full of heartfelt emotion. As they shed their undergarments they guided each other into the steaming water. He pulled her against his chest and brushed her off of her shoulder, pressing lazy kisses to her neck. "I love you," he mumbled between each kiss. "I love you so much."

She burrowed more deeply into his chest. "I know things have been hard lately, so thank you for trying to make them better. You didn't have too, but I appreciate it more than I can say."

He bit down on his lip, trying to decide how to respond. He gentle turns her around in the tub, their legs tangling together. "You know that there isn't a thing in the world I would do for you, Spence? Right?"

She smiled. "Same goes for you." She ran her foot down his thigh before readjusting her body into his lap. She buried her face in his shoulder and just stayed like that. When he felt the wetness pooling on his skin he knew that it was because she was trying to hide her tears. Without warning she wrenched away and threw all of her wait into him, reattaching their lips together and wrapping both arms around his neck. Their tears mixed together, and he couldn't think. He couldn't breath. They were there, they were together, and they were happy.

And for right now that was all that mattered in the world.


	15. Chapter 15

**Spoby memory number 1 happened to me and my boyfriend when we were freshmen. Awkwaaard.**

**Next chapter is probably the one you guys have been waiting for. Just so you now. Get excited, because it's done and will be up when this gets to 120 reviews or in a week. Whatever happens first. We have to go back to the old games, because last chapter only got 4 reviews :(.**

**I have to go to work, and I don't wanna move. Can't Drown My Demons is almost done, and as long as I don't fall asleep at 10 pm like an old lady again it should be up later tonight.**

Chapter 15

**March**

He laid sprawled out on the couch with his head in Spencer's lap. The blood transfusions always helped in the long run, but they were exhausting in the immediate hours after. He just felt completely wiped out. Like someone had sucked all the energy from his body. He couldn't move even if he wanted too. And there was just a genuine feeling of unwellness that scared the hell out of him.

Spencer reached out and grabbed his hand, bringing his knuckles to her lips. "You need to eat something, baby."

His stomach churned at the very thought of food. If he ate something he was very likely to puke all over her. "I don't think that I'll be able to keep anything down," he mumbled, leaning back to look at her. When he saw the pained look on her face he immediately backtracked. "But I guess I can try."

She paused, bending at her waist to press her lips to the top of his head. "Ice cream? It's light, and it might help your stomach."

He was about to tell her that he could get it for himself, but a sharp knock on the door cut him off. Few people came to visit them anymore. They were worried about disturbing him, which was stupid. Distractions were more than welcome.

Spencer gently lifted his head off her lap and nudged a pillow under his neck to take her place. "I'll be right back," she whispered.

He didn't even realize what he was doing as he reached out and snagged her wrist. "Hey," he murmured. "I love you, Spence."

She smiled and slid her had down and took his hand with a gentle squeeze. "I love you too." She let him go, disappearing down the entrance hall.

He leaned against his pillows and waited for her to come back.

_She leaned against him, sharing in his warmth as they walked together down the broken up sidewalks near the UPenn dorms. "I don't want you to leave," she sighed. "It's always easier when you're here."_

_He pressed his lips to her hair for a long moment. "I don't want to leave either. But you'll be home next week for spring break." He shrugged out of his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders. She obviously needed it more than he did._

_"Aren't you cold?" She murmured, tucking her face into his chest as they hurried back to her dorm. He could feel her trembling, but he was never cold around her. Her presence warmed him more than any fire ever could._

_He shook his head, but whatever he had been planning on saying left his mind as a red object flew in front of them. He tugged Spencer back as it splatted on the ground. "What the hell was that?"_

_"A tomato?" She asked, nudging it with her toe._

_He kept a hold of her arm in case anymore flying vegetables came their way._

_"Yes!" A voice yelled from one of the top floors of the nearest dorm. "It's a tomato, fresh from my garden! Well-" the voice paused. "I guess it's not so fresh anymore."_

_They just looked at each other for a log moment before dissolving into hysterical laughter and continuing on their way. Suddenly their forced separation didn't feel so bad._

"What the hell are you doing here?"

It wasn't often that he heard such a harsh, angry tone spill from his wife's lips. Spencer wasn't quite as even tempered as he was, but she was still characteristically calm and collected. It was a product of her environment. Emotional outbursts were unacceptable in the house of Hastings.

He struggled to pull himself up. "Spencer?" He wasn't sure how, but if she needed him he would get to the door somehow. He didn't care if he had to crawl.

But it didn't come to that. He heard her before he saw her. She ducked down in front of him and framed his face with her hands. The mocha color of her eyes was cloudy with concern. "It's your dad. Do you want to talk to him or should I make him leave?" She punctuated her sentence with an angry glare over his shoulder, leaving no doubts that his dad followed her into the living room.

As adorable as he found her anger, he didn't like it when it was on his behalf. He didn't want to make anything harder on her, but he couldn't help but think that her annoyance with him was well-deserved. The last time they had seen him left a lot to be desired.

_She trailed a hand down his arm until it came in contact with his hand. Their fingers laced together of their own accord. They didn't even have to think about doing things like that anymore. Their bodies were so intuned to each other that it just happened._

_She pulled him to a stop just outside of his childhood house. "You don't have to do t  
>his if you don't want too."<em>

_He smiled halfheartedly and pulled her down for a kiss. He hadn't seen his dad since he accused him of . "I'm sure. It probably won't go well, but I think- I don't know, I guess I just think it's the right thing to do. He invited us."_

_"He invited **you,**" she reminded him. "I'm just here to support you, but maybe he'll react better if I'm not here."_

_Toby rolled his eyes. "Everybody loves you, Spencer. You can just be a bit intimidating."_

_"Good! Because he's not going to treat you like that ever again! After the last time, after everything he let happen to you he's going to treat you right."_

_He couldn't help but kiss her after that impassioned little speech. He got so lucky with Spencer. "I love you," he whispered._

_She smirked. "Everyone does," she laughed through his earlier words. "But I love you the most. Let's go talk to your dad."_

_But no matter know hard they knocked on the door no one ever answered. It was after about a minute Spencer noticed the paper taped to the frame. She ripped it off and handed it to him. "That unimaginable bastard."_

_He quickly scanned the letter and sighed, handing it to Spencer. He had to help Jenna with something. Of course he did. Because when would he ever put Toby first? That's not what he did. He didn't know if he was still trying to get over his mother's death or if he just genuinely didn't like him, but his dad would never pick him._

_The passenger side of the truck opened almost as soon as his shut. He expected Spencer to yell, but she just slid across the bench seat and into his side, reaching across his lap for his hand. "I'm so sorry."_

It might have been a terrible idea, but he always hoped for a better relationship with his dad. He always hoped that he would finally find it in his heart to love him. But seeing him for the first time in six years like this wasn't exactly ideal. That reunion was best done from a place of strength, but right now he couldn't even stand up by himself.

But could he really pass up this opportunity? "No, I'll talk to him." He reached out a hand. "Can you help me up?" He hated to ask her for anything, but it was necessary.

"Of course," she murmured and pulled him up to a sitting position. She arranged a pillow behind his back and pressed a gentle kiss to his hairline. "We'll be right back, okay?"

He wanted to stop her, but she would probably scratch his eyes out. He nodded and listened to her walk away. The angry tone of her voice was all that he could hear. The fridge opened and shut, and he could only assume Spencer was trying to get him some food.

"Toby?"

He sat up straighter, a product of his father's childhood habit of telling him not to slouch. "Hey dad." He tensed as the man who was supposed to protect him sat across from him. He just couldn't get past the fact that every time Jenna touched him, every time she manipulated him it was in this man's house. But that wasn't even the worst of it. The worst part was that he believed he could have hurt Jenna like that. That wasn't who he was.

"Toby I-" he hesitated, looking up at the ceiling. "God, this is a long time coming, but I was embarrassed. I didn't know what to do, but I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I help raise you, Toby. I know who you are, and I know you could never do something like that. I was just so hurt by losing your mother, and I didn't know how to handle it. You're so much like her."

Toward the end of his dad's apology Spencer came in with a bowl of ice cream and a cocktail of pills. "I'm sorry for interrupting, but Toby, you need to take your pills." She sat them down on the coffee table. "I'll just leave you two to talk."

He caught her wrist as she turned to walk away. "Stay."

She looked at him, trying to determine his sincerity before nodding and sitting next to him. He immediately put his free hand on her knee and turned back to his dad. "I stopped being mad at you a long time ago, dad. It hurt. It still hurts, but I get it."

"I love you, Toby," his dad said softly. "I always have, and I'm sorry it took something like this to get me here to tell you. How's your health?"

"I'm okay." He didn't need sympathy, especially from his dad. He forgave him, but he certainly didn't expect him to be an active part of his life.

Spencer squeezed his hand and elaborated for him. "He just finished his radiation treatment, and now he's been getting blood transfusions."

His dad nodded with his lips pressed hard together. "I need to get going, but would it be okay if I came to visit again soon?"

He nodded silently. He wouldn't hold his breath, but it'd be nice if he did come to visit. Spencer glanced at him before looking at his dad. "Can you find your way out?"

"I'll see you all soon." He rose from the chair and left.

As soon as he was gone Spencer leaned forward and handed him the ice cream and pills. "You need to take these, at the very least." She adjusted and leaned against the couch's arm and pulled him against his chest.

He swallowed the pills and took a small bite of the ice cream before pushing it away and closing his eyes. If he did have Spencer, what would he have? Who would he be? Nothing, was the only answer he could come up with. She's saved him so many times, and this was just one more. It didn't take him long to fall asleep, the pills always made him drowsy.

* * *

><p>His dreams were full of happier times, but when he woke up a little while later he had no memory of them. All he could focus on was the searing pain in his chest. He rolled over just in time to avoid puking on Spencer. He emptied his stomach onto the carpet over and over again.<p>

He knew that Spencer was away by the subtle shifting beneath him. He curled against her chest and rubbed a soothing pattern out against his spine. "Toby," she breathed. "Oh baby." She pulled the afghan from the back of the couch and draped it over them. "I need to call Dr. Green."

He was shaking too hard to answer her. Everything hurt. He was exhausted, and tremors ran through his whole body. He had felt sick throughout the course of his energy, but this was different. This was scary. It came out of no where, and it came in the midst of something that was supposed to make him feel better. Spencer's low murmurs as she talked on the phone was the only thing that kept him together. She was there. She was there, and she was holding him together like she always did. She loved him, ad she wouldn't leave him. It didn't matter what he was going through.

His fingers grabbed at her thin, tank top, just wanting her to be closer. Her arms enveloped him as readily as her smell, soothing him in the way that only she could. "We need to get to the hospital, baby. Can you walk?"

"No," he whispered. He was pathetic. He couldn't even move from this position, if he was being completely honest. His trembling legs wouldn't support him, and even if they could he wouldn't be able to hold himself up.

She nodded. "Hang in there. I'm going to call 911."

For the first time since all of this started he was genuinely concern. Was he going to die? And if he did what would happen to Spencer? What would happen to his friends and his family? What could he do to make it easier on them?

He had an idea.


	16. Chapter 16

**Six months to gooo. :'( Which means that there's about 7 chapters left. And they ARE the seven you've been waiting for :). The LAST chapter is written already. I wrote it before I started this story and it took me a MONTH TO WRITE because I literally kept crying. Advance warning!**

**This doesn't have a lot of action, but it sets up the rest of the story. You can expect rapid deterioration from this point onward. You know how this ends. Just keep that in mind, as hard as it is.**

Chapter 16

**April**

He felt better for awhile. He felt stronger until he didn't. Some mornings he felt fine, and then other mornings if felt like a impossible feat to even get out of bed. As he opened his eyes on the last day of April he weighed how he was feeling in his mind. And for once he was feeling pretty good. He felt strong.

Last month when the blood transfusions stopped working he was completely convinced that it was the end, that he was dying. He knew that if that was the case he had to do something to help his wife get through the loss. He had to help his friends deal. He wasn't arrogant enough to believe that his death would be an irreparable loss for anyone, but he knew he had people in his life who would be sad. Maybe the blessing of all of this was that he could help make it okay for them.

He looked down at his wife, his beautiful wife. He was so ridiculously cheesy when it came to her. His thoughts were always of how beautiful and how amazing she was. But what else could he think? She literally pulled him out of the darkness and never let him go. He would be nothing if she hadn't been brave enough to give him a chance. He brushed his nose over hers in a gentle Eskimo kiss before pulling himself out of bed and making his way into the office.

It was sparsely decorated, because Spencer primarily used it for school purposes. She said that bright colors or pictures would distract her from focusing on her papers and projects, but he found that hard to believe. The girl had militant like focus when she came to her schooling. He doubted that even a massive earthquake or a North Korean invasion could deter her.

He just looked at the computer background. It was a photograph of himself between Emily and Spencer on a Ferris wheel. Em had been single throughout high school and had ended up crashing a number of their dates. But neither he or Spencer really looked at it like that. There really wasn't anything better than hanging out with your girlfriend and one of your best friends.

_He came back with the drinks, but the easy grin slid off of his face at the obvious conspiring that was going on between his girlfriend and his best friend. "What are you two up to?" He asked them suspiciously._

_"Nothing," Spencer grinned and took her diet Pepsi from him with a happy smile. "Thank you!"_

_Emily shifted semi-uncomfortably as she took her drink from him, and from that he knew that Spencer was lying. Emily was about as comfortable with dishonesty, no matter how minor, as he was. He turned to Spencer with a cocked eyebrow. "You know I don't believe you, right?"_

_She shared a look with Emily before catching him off-guard with a kiss that was borderline inappropriate for public. She broke off for air and leaned he forehead against his collarbone. "Will you do something for me?"_

_"Um-" Did she really expect him to form coherent sentences after that? "Um, yeah. Yeah, of course."_

_She pulled away with a bright smile and grabbed his hand. "Great! Em and I want to go ride the Ferris wheel."_

_Yeah, anything but that. He halfheartedly tugged at his hand. "Spence-"_

_"I know. I know you don't like it much, but we really, **really **want to. But we don't want to leave you behind even more. Please, Toby?"_

_"I don't mind waiting while you guys ride it," he offered. "I can hold your purses or whatever."_

_"We didn't bring purses, babe," Spencer laughed, kissing his cheek. "Listen, I know you're scared of heights, but I'll hold your hand and we promise not to shake it! Right Em?"_

_"Right!" She nodded, smiling in that way that only Emily could. "If you do this I'll ride those stupid, rickety, death trap swings."_

_How could he refuse that kind of persuasion. He nodded reluctantly. "But if I die I fully expect you two to grieve at my grave for a week straight."_

_"Deal!" Spencer kissed him again and led him to the front of the line. Honestly, if he had known it'd get this kind of giddy reaction from her he would have given in straight away. She worried about too much. If this made her happy he would do it, despite the visions of splatting into the ground that were dancing through his head._

_Her fingers gently worked at prying his death grip off of the safety railing. "Just breath, Toby. You're alright. And look at the view from up here!"_

_If he kept his eyes straight ahead and didn't look down she was right. It was pretty beautiful. But instead of looking for too long he leaned down and pressed his lips to her neck, hiding his face against the smooth skin. "It's nice," he murmured._

_"This calls for a selfie."_

_He tightened his grip on Spencer as their car rocked while Emily shifted for her phone. "Smile for an instagram hit!"_

Spencer liked the picture because she thinks that he looked like a scared puppy. But he liked it because it reminded him of the obstacles he could overcome with the right people by his side. At the time he thought that heights were the scariest thing, but he was so wrong. Two weeks ago he would have told you that dying was the scariest. But he was wrong even then. What was terrifying him right now was that he'd die suddenly. That he'd leave his friends and family with no closure. He went his whole life trying to live the least offensive life possible. He hated hurting people, and he hated confrontation even more. But his death might be everything he spent his life avoiding.

So he took out a sheet of paper and a pen. And with a shaky hand he penned his wife's name across the top. But even as he looked at her name, those seven simple letters that didn't mean anything on their own; but together they were everything, as he looked at her name he knew he couldn't do this. Not yet. Because how do you say goodbye to the one person in the world that you're sure that you love? How to you apologize for leaving the only person that depended on you, the only person that trusted you to take care of them? How do you try to ease the broken heart that you irreparably damaged? He didn't know how. He didn't know how to say goodbye, not to Spencer. He couldn't do this. At least not yet.

He balled up the old paper and pulled out a new one, writing his dad's name across the top. It wasn't that he thought his dad's letter would be easier... but he supposed it would be. He had the least he needed to atone to with his father.

He poured his heart out with a shaky hand, reminding him that he didn't really blame him for his childhood, telling him that he was okay almost solely because he had Spencer. The hardest part was admitting what he knew to be true in his heart of hearts. It was something that scared him more and more as every day went on, and something that he had to find a way to talk to Spencer about.

He might be dying. He was _probably _dying. He saw it in Dr. Green's eyes when he struggled to find new treatment options for him, and he felt it in his own body as he grew more and more weak every day. He was dying, and there was nothing he could do about it except make things okay for the people that he loved the most.

The letter ended up being almost entirely about Spencer, but he knew Spencer would take his death the hardest by far. He would enlist all the help he could in making everything okay for her. He wouldn't let this ruin her life. And it was in that moment that he realized he was crying. He didn't know for how long the tears had been streaming down his face, but by the damp set of his cheeks he suspected that it had been awhile.

All he could think about was Spencer standing by his casket. And it wasn't the fact that he was dead that was painful. It was the heartbreaking look of despair on her face. She needed him. She needed the forever that he promised her, the forever that he had had every intention of giving her. She needed **him. **He wasn't so arrogant as to say that the world would be a better place with him in it. It was categorically not true. He was loved deeply by a few people, and that was more than enough for him. He wasn't widely loved. He didn't make an impact on the world. But his being alive did make an impact on Spencer.

She had suffered from a deep and profound sense of abandonment her entire life. She was convinced that her parents only stayed in her life as long as she was consistently at a high level of achievement, and their disappearance after she accepted his proposal only profoundly increased that fear. Her relationship with Melissa only went as far as a moderately unhealthy source of competition. And her relationship with her girls was nurturing. Hanna and Emily would never leave her, he knew that. But Spencer didn't. She wanted to be strong for her friends, but she would never admit it.

And him? He knew it was worst of all when it came to him. It was why she was so maniacal in her care-taking, why she fought so fervently against having any conversation about his eventual demise. It was because she had been scared that he would leave her from the moment that he had been scared of losing him from the moment that she got him. What she didn't realize was that he was going no where. Even if he died, they would be together again. He knew they would. He wasn't really sure what he believed in regards to the afterlife, but he did believe in was her. And there was no way a love like theirs ever really died.

He didn't want to believe he was dying. But even today, on a day he felt as good as he had in weeks, his hands were shaking. His eyes were watering, and his head felt like it was on the carousal ride from hell. He would probably vomit at least once today, and he would be lucky if he could make it back to bed without getting winded. He hadn't had to deal with any of these things only a few months ago. He was dying and there was nothing he could do about it but fight.

He shoved his dad's letter in an envelope and hid it in a box in his single drawer. Spencer wouldn't find it. She wasn't the snooping type. Not that he minded if she did. It would be a good way to initiate the conversation he **had **to have with her. But he wasn't really ready for that yet either. How do you tell the love of your life that it's okay for her to move on? That he wouldn't be with her forever? How did he tell her to enjoy the birthdays and holidays that she would have without him? How could he even presume to be hypocritical enough to tell her not to be sad? Because if he were in her shoes he'd be devastated. If he died it was over. His suffering was done. But it would only be the beginning of Spencer's suffering. She would have to live every day without him. She would have to relive the pain of losing him. She would have to continue on, knowing that they would never get to build the life they had planned. She would have to live knowing that the children they would have had, the life they would have shared, the memories they would have made would never be reality. She would have to live without him, and that was the scariest thing. That was the thing that was so unbearably painful.

He had to make this okay for her. He pulled himself up from the chair and stumbled back into bed, huffing the entire time. His chest burned like he had run a marathon rather than have only walked a few steps. It sucked not being able to do anything for himself. He felt useless, like a burden. But he knew that the only person he was truly a burden on was Spencer. She was the only one who went out of her way to take care of him. And he also knew that it was infinitely better this way than if he wasn't there anymore. He knew she would prefer it this way, so he tried to be okay with it.

His shaking hand ran down her side and came to rest on her waist, and the other gently grazed her jawline. She was too stunning for words, and despite everything, despite the pain and his suffering... despite all of that, when he looked at Spencer he still felt so lucky. He felt lucky every single day.

She groaned. And for a second he thought that she was still asleep, but she slowly blinked her eyes open, arching her back in a morning stretch.

"Hey," he whispered, leaning in to kiss her forehead. His lips lingered on her skin, longer than necessary to give himself a chance to collect his emotions before she easily picked his distress out of his eyes. She was far too good at that.

"Morning," she murmured, nuzzling her face into his neck. "Mmm, you're so warm."

As soon as he realized she was cold he ran his hands up and down her bare, goosebump covered arms to create some friction. "Do you want me to turn the heat up?"

She shook her head, but she also burrowed deeper into him. He brushed a hand over her hair. "Don't lie to me, Spence. Are you cold?"

"I'm not as cold as you are hot," she muttered. "Besides, I can cuddle with you and huddle under blankets. What are you going to do? Take off more clothes?"

She was too logical, because he didn't know how to argue with that other than to tell her to just worry about herself. But that would get him smacked. He just held her against him, sharing in his warmth. "You know how much I love you, right?"

"This sounds like the beginning of a Shakespearean sonnet," she murmured into his chest. But she pulled away to look at him. And as soon as she got a good look at him she framed his face with her hands, stopping him from diverting his gaze. "Are you okay?"

"Just a little sad," he said truthfully, unwilling to lie to her. "I'm fine overall."

She looked at him with so much love that he nearly cried. But it was tears for her. Because if he died she would never have anyone look at her like that again. He promised himself that he would shower her with love now. He would make sure that she felt like the most loved woman on the planet, even if it was just for a few more months. He leaned in and kissed her. He kissed her and kissed her until he felt like his lungs would explode due to oxygen deprevation. And even then he only pulled away for a short breath before leaning in again. "I love you," he whispered between kisses. "I love you."


	17. Chapter 17

**Haha okay so sorry if you like Twilight. But can we all agree that Spencer wouldn't? Small author's note at the end to avoid spoilers.**

**Things to look forward to. Writing to Spencer, rapid deterioration, Spencer's recordings, all the stuff from Emily's POV in LGBttS, and the end from Toby's POV. Oh, and also Hailey's creation so to speak haha.**

**Also, SO SORRY for the lack of updates for all my stories. I got ungodly busy. Can't Drown My Demons should be up tomorrow/LATE tonight. But probably tomorrow. And Falling to Pieces will be shortly after that.**

Chapter 17

**May**

He wasn't having a good day. It was obvious to anyone who looked at him. As Spencer approached his spot on the bed he shoved his shaking hands under the pillow. She _had _to go. And if she saw how bad he was he would never convince her of that. He was sweating and freezing at the same time. His eyes were watering, his teeth were chattering, and his stomach was churning. He was going to be sick, but hopefully it could wait until she was gone. But even worse than all of that, his mind felt foggy. His reflexes weren't as fast as they should be, and he was having a hard time focusing on anything.

She put her hand on his face and frowned. "You're really warm, baby."

"Am I?" He was freezing. He leaned into her hand, relishing in the comfort and the warmth.

She looked at him, and he felt like he was drowning in the love he saw in her eyes. But wasn't that the best way to go? Being so immersed in love from his wife that it overwhelmed him. She leaned in and ran her nose over his and down his collarbone, tucking her face into his neck. "Do you want me to stay?"

She already knew the answer to that. She was just trying to convince herself that it was okay to go. He was deteriorating rapidly. Everyone could see it, but no one talked about it, which was infuriating. He didn't welcome a conversation about death, but he knew it needed to happen. And apparently he was the only one who realized that. "You can't put your life on hold because of me, Spencer." His voice wasn't more than an insubstantial whisper. His throat was raw and painful from the many medical treatments he was forced to endure.

"Can I say that you're my life without sounding like a whiny, emo stalker?" She mumbled, not moving her face from his neck.

He chucked and tangled a hand up in her silky hair. "Still on your anti-Twilight kick then?" Hanna made the mistake of bringing the movie for all of them to watch a few weeks ago.

"Of course I am! Talk about setting the feminist movement back fifty years!" She pulled away, her eyes flashing with annoyance. "What was that woman thinking making teenage girls believe that they're nothing without a boyfriend?"

"Are you saying you don't need a man?" He laughed, leaning in and nuzzle his nose against her forehead.

"Well I got lucky," all the joking gone now. "The most perfect man in the world is somehow interested in me."

He hacking cough rocked its way through his body. He tried to move away, but she put her hands on either side of his face, keeping his head in place. "Spence-" he coughed. There was nothing attractive about coughing in your wife's face.

She moved a hand to the back of his head and brought it down to her shoulder. "I'm going to call my professor and reschedule."

He shook his head. "N-no," he sucked in air before pulling away and taking both of her hands. There was no use hiding how he felt from her. She obviously already knew. His hands shook harder as he tightened them around her much smaller hands. He held onto her like a lifeline, but he also needed her to go. She needed to have a life outside of him or else it would be even harder for her to move on.

She opened her mouth to protested but was interrupted by what could only described as an annoyed huff from the bedroom door. "Spencer you get to be with Toby every minute of every day. Let the rest of us have our turn. Get out of here!"

Spencer rolled her eyes. "Love you too Han." She leaned down to kiss him. "I called Emily, but Hanna and Caleb were over there. And apparently they all decided to plant a flag in our living room. There's no getting rid of them."

"There's really not!" She laughed, ruffling Spencer's hair. "Now go!"

Spencer swatted at Hanna's hand and didn't take his eyes off of him. "Do you want me to-"

"Spencer, I am perfectly capable of helping him to the living room! Seriously, go. And if you're back before 6 I'm going to kick your ass like that time in 7th grade."

She whirled around to size up Hanna's laughing threat. "Fine!" She squeezed his hand. "I'll be back a little after 6, okay?"

He nodded, trying to hide his smile. He was glad she had Hanna. She kissed him again before ducking out of the room. Hanna waited until they heard the door shut before speaking to him. "I basically have the upper body strength of a flea, so I'm going to go get Caleb. Be right back!"

As he watched the blonde's back retreat he couldn't help but remember the first time he knew that Hanna would be a friend for life. Because it wasn't when he met her. It wasn't when she defended him from the jocks in art class. But it was the day that she did what he never could do, when she stood up to Jenna.

_Spencer was off taking a make up test, and for once he was glad at the absence of his girlfriend. She would notice what no one else had. She would see the angry, red half-moon marks from Jenna's nails digging into his skin. And she would see the lingering redness of the cheek that she had smacked. He kept his promise to Spencer. It hadn't happened since he told her that he loved her, but it wasn't for a lack of trying on Jenna's part. She was persistent, if nothing else._

_He liked to think he shielded Spencer from the reality of his situation. She knew the big picture of what had happened, but he refrained from sharing the smaller details. She didn't need to be burdened with the sick feeling he got after she touched him; how even an hour of scrubbing in the shower couldn't get rid of it. She didn't need to know the shame he felt at the bruises that her advances left on his skin. And she certainly didn't need to know the fear he felt as Jenna left his bedroom. What if she got pregnant? What if she had some kind of disease? His life wasn't worth much, but she could so easily steal the little bit of sanity he had left._

_"Are you okay, man?" Emily's boyfriend Ben asked him suddenly. "You look like you swallowed a cactus."_

_"Um," he hesitated. He hated lying, but for the first time he finally had friends. He didn't want to ruin it. "I'm fine. Just some family stuff."_

_Ben nodded and looked back down at his lunch. He wasn't necessarily the best friend, but he was still someone that associated with him. It was better than where he was this time six months ago. He was so close to having enough money to move out. He had to just stick it out for a few more months._

_Hanna waved her fork at him. "You're lying," she said softly._

_Hanna was a different story. Ever since she stood up for him in art she was one of the best friends that he had. But he still didn't want to burden her with this, and he certainly didn't want her to look at him any differently. "I'm not," he said truthfully. It was family stuff, but it was a lot deeper than those words implied._

_The bench squeaked as the small brunette that held a starring role in his nightmares sat beside him. He froze as she put her hand on his arm. "Toby, can I talk to you for a second?"_

_"No," he muttered, hating how weak his voice sounded._

_"Toby," she implored, tightening her grip around his bicep. "it's important."_

_"I think he said no," Hanna interjected, before he could say anything else._

_"And I think that this is none of your business, Hanna," Jenna replied. "I need to talk to my brother."_

_"I'm not kidding, Jenna. Get out of here before I make you leave."_

_"Han, you don't-" Toby tried to tell her that, although it was appreciated, her defense wasn't necessary. But she cut him off with a wave of her hand._

_She smirked, and it was actually kind of creepy. "My teachers write things like impulsive and passionate on my report cards. And they're right. And that comes very in handy when I need it to. You're going to leave him alone, Jenna. Or I'm going to make you very sorry."_

_Jenna gave a pronounced sigh. "We'll finish this at home, Toby." She slid her hand from his arm and got up from the table, slinking back off to her friends._

_"Your step sis gives me the creeps, Cavanaugh."_

_He laughed at Ben's accurate assessment. "She makes a lot of people feel that way. Hanna," he mumbled, looking at the small blonde. He didn't know how to express his gratitude properly. Very few people had ever defended him so staunchly._

_She shook her head. "You don't have to go through things alone anymore, Toby. I'm sorry I wasn't up for defending you earlier, but I am now. Let me know if you need anything, okay?" She waited for him to nod before shedding the seriousness and grinning at his tray. "Are you going to eat your string cheese?"_

Caleb came into the room almost as quickly as Hanna left it. He grabbed his forearms, and carefully pulled him up. "You alright?" He asked. His nausea was probably written all over his face, so he didn't blame Caleb for the wary apprehension that was written all over his face.

"Fine," he mumbled, clutching to Caleb. He hadn't felt this weak yet, not even when he was on chemo. And he hated it. He doubted that he could walk two feet without using someone as a crutch. And it was better Caleb, than Spencer. He didn't want to burden either of them, but Caleb was a bit more sturdy.

Hanna grinned as they walked into the room. "Okay, we have grand plans for you, Toby."

He hesitated. Caleb lowered him onto the couch in his moment of silence. "I'm not sure I'm up to much."

"You just sit there," Emily smiled. "We'll be right back."

They girls scurried off into the kitchen. "What are they up to?" He asked Caleb. He groaned as a spasm of pain shot through his chest.

"You alright?" He asked again, sitting down next to him. "Is there medicine or something that I can get you?"

"I have some pain pills i-in the medicine c-cabinet," he mumbled, curling into himself to ease the pain.

"I'll be right back." The couch shifted, and he let his mind wonder to happier times.

_"I don't understand why we're doing this," Caleb laughed. "I mean I can definitely rock the Pringles man-stache, but I just don't get it."_

_"I already told you," Hanna explained impatiently, adjusting the ten foot long mustache she had apparently found at the costume shop back in Rosewood. "I had a dream that we all hung out wearing mustaches and decided to make it a reality."_

_"But why do I have to have the Hitler mustache," Spencer whined, leaning into him. She was always cold. He ran a hand up and down her arm, creating friction; which only caused her to lean into him more deeply._

_"Because you like history!" Hanna beckoned him forward with a Sharpie. "Your turn, Toby!"_

_"I think she thinks Hitler is the only person in history with a mustache," Spencer muttered with a laugh._

_"Heard that!" She mock glared at Spencer. "Come on, Toby. I saved the best one for you!"_

_"I don't think so," Emily chuckled from Hanna's bed, a large handlebar mustache dominating most of her face. "I'm considering keeping it."_

_His nose tickled as Hanna quickly drew something on his face. Caleb and Spencer both laughed, and he joined they as he saw the curly whiskers that Hanna had drawn on her face. "Now what?"_

_"Off to Walmart!" Hanna laughed. "What else would we do?"_

"These are the right ones?" Caleb passed him a glass of water and a bottle of pills with the child safety cap loosened.

He nodded and quickly downed one more pill than was recommended. It would make him drowsy, but honestly sleep would be a relief. He truly felt terrible. He coughed, almost violently. It felt like he was hacking up a handful of nails. And his head hurt so badly, but it also felt like an elephant was sitting on it. The pressure was killing him. For the first time, and for hopefully the last, he thought maybe dying wouldn't be so bad. Not if the rest of his life was going to be spent like this.

"We know you didn't want us to remember," Emily began, while they were still out of his sight. "but we did. So deal with it."

Hanna skipped to the light switch and flickered them a few times for dramatic effect. He didn't have to ask why. That's what she always did when she was trying to be dramatic. "Happy birthday!" She cheered as Emily rounded the corner with a bowl of soup.

"We decided it would be stupid to by you a cake since you wouldn't be able to eat it. So call this your birthday soup," Emily explained, sitting the try down on the table in front of him.

He was touched beyond words. Had he just been welcoming death a second ago? Because now he was feeling luckier than anyone else. "Guys..."

"No," Hanna turned the lights off completely and flicked on the lamp next to the couch. "No epic and sad speeches, Toby. We told Spencer we'd take care of you, so eat your stupid soup."

He shot her a half smile and took a spoonful into his mouth. It felt nice on his raw throat and chapped lips. He glanced around the room at the people he felt the closest to in the world. It looked like he had more letters to write. He thought to the ones to his dad, Aria, and Spencer's parents that were tucked away in his drawer. He'd follow them with ones to Emily, Hanna and Caleb soon. But that begged the question who would deliver them.

Not Hanna. She wouldn't be able to keep her mouth shut, and they needed to stay a surprise to Spencer. His plan wouldn't work otherwise. And he couldn't have Caleb do it. He would tell Hanna, and he was also about the least subtle person he knew. His eyes lingered on Emily. She could do it. But would she? He would wait until the last second he could, and then he would ask her. All he could do was pray that she'd say yes. That and get to work on Spencer's. Because something told him that his time was running down.

**A/N**

**I KNOW Toby's birthday isn't in May. But I forgot to include this in March, so just go with it.**


	18. Chapter 18

**THIS IS SO BAD. But so good. And I just love it.**

**Maybe I have more to say, but I have to get to work so really I have nothing. LITERALLY THE WORST SCHEDULE EVER. 330 pm to 130 am. Amuse me, okay? And if you haven't yet, check out my other story, Falling to Pieces.**

**LOVE YOU ALL.**

Chapter 18

**June**

Being back in the hospital was a huge blow to his morale. Having even the doctors believe that he wasn't strong enough to live on his own was a blow to his ego. But if he was being honest he knew it was necessary. Because his good days were worse than his worst days just weeks ago.

But this time he was taking advantage of the down time. He ran his fingers over the envelopes that he had shoved under his pillow. He had written to Emily, Hanna, Caleb, and Aria. And they were all hard. But every time he tried to write a letter to Spencer he balled it up and threw it in the trash. It felt inadequate. It never felt like enough. How do you say thank you to the person that changed your entire life?

"Toby?" Emily waited until he was looking at her before continuing. "Spencer just texted me and told me that she'd be back in about an hour. I need to run to the store to pick you guys up a couple things so she doesn't have too and then I'm going to come back. Do you want me to grab you anything from your house while I'm out?"

He was suddenly struck with an idea. "Can you get me my tape recorder? The one that Hanna got me for Christmas?"

She looked confused, but to her credit she simply nodded. Emily was good for things like that. "Thanks for everything, Em," he added sincerely. He didn't know how he would get through this without her. It wasn't so much that he needed someone with him as Spencer needed to know that someone was with him. And the fact that she was saving Spencer's sanity was something he wouldn't soon forget.

She hesitated. "Are you feeling okay? I don't want to leave you if you're having a rough day."

He shook his head. He was actually feeling pretty good. "Just hurry back, okay? Because if Spencer gets back before you she'll probably have a heart attack."

Emily smirked and ducked out the door leaving him to his thoughts. He was dying. It was undeniable. He needed to make this in between time mean something. He had warning, and if it was the last thing he did he would make the most of his last days. The acceptance didn't mean that he would stop fighting. On the contrary, he planned on fighting like hell. But he wouldn't be blindsided either.

_"You're sad."_

_He just shook his head. If he tried to speak his voice would crack, and he refused to make this about himself. He came to visit her because he could hear the stress in her voice when he spoke with her, but maybe he should have waited a day or two for the sting of his conversation with his dad to wear off. Because she could pick his emotions out of his eyes with ease._

_"Toby," she whispered. He felt her bed sink as she sat down beside him. He gentle hands brushed over his cheeks. "what's wrong?"_

_"I just-" he swallowed. "I got in a fight with my dad."_

_"Your dad? When did you see your dad?"_

_"I ran into him at the gas station on my way here," he explained quietly. "I made the mistake of asking him why he hadn't tried to get a hold of me in the past year. He basically let me know that I'm a disappointment, and he told me that my mom would be disappointed in me."_

_He expected her to get angry, to deny his father's words. She pulled away to look at him. She was smiling, but there was fire in her eyes. "Let's build a fort."_

_"A- Um, what?"_

_She rolled her eyes. "How did I end up with a guy who doesn't even know how to build a fort?"_

_Only when she started pulling blankets down from the closet shelf did he realize that she was being serious. He walked up behind her and put one hand on her waist to steady her and used the other to carefully pull down the sheets that she was struggling to reach._

_It took them about an hour, but in the end they managed to build a pretty spectacular fort. A pillow was under his neck, and Spencer's head was resting on his chest. He absentmindedly ran his fingers through her silky hair. "Spence?"_

_"Hmmm?" She mumbled. He liked the way the vibrations traveled through his body._

_He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "Thank you." He didn't have to elaborate. She knew what he meant. Because her anger and denial wouldn't do anything other than make him feel bad for bringing it up. He didn't want her to get emotional over him. He just wanted to forget, and she did that for him._

_"I love you," was her only response._

_"I love you too."_

He must have been lost in his thoughts for longer than he realized because he jumped as Emily walked back into his room. She smirked at his confused impression. "You always were the daydreaming type."

He chuckled. "I wasn't expecting you back so quickly."

"It only took me a minute," she smiled and handed him the recorder. "I also grabbed you guys some food and a few magazines. Spencer just called and told me that she was on her way up, so if you're alright I think that I'll go ahead and get out of here."

He nodded and held an arm out for her. He closed his eyes as he embraced one of his closest friends, one of the people that he loved and trusted the most in the world. "Em, I seriously can't thank you enough."

"You don't have to thank me for anything," she said firmly. "You would do it for me, Toby. So it makes this easy." She kissed his forehead before sliding through the open door with one last smile.

He heard the low murmuring of feminine voices before Spencer slid in the door, taking Emily's place. As soon as he saw her tension that he hadn't even known that he felt evaporated from his body. He sunk into his pillows, more relaxed than he had felt all day.

She smiled softly when she saw him, and to his surprise she joined him on the bed, quickly kicking off her overly high heels and curling up next to him. His arms, currently absent of the IVs that had found a near permanent home in his veins, wrapped around her. It was second nature by now. What was also second nature was reading his wife's emotions, and all he knew right now was that something was wrong. "What's wrong, Spencer?"

She shook her head, tucking her face into his shoulder. "It doesn't matter. I'm fine now."

"Spencer," he persisted, brushing a soft hand over her hand.

She sighed dramatically, which made him smile. His wife wasn't that great at admitting her feelings. "I was just- I don't know, thinking about what life would be like without you earlier. And then I realized that it was stupid, because you're here right now."

He almost let his guilt distract him from the fact that this was the opening that he had been waiting for. "Spence-"

"I don't want to talk about it," she mumbled.

"And I _have _to talk about it," he countered. "I have to, because the fact that my leaving you is becoming more and more probable as the days go by. And I need to know that you'll be okay."

"Toby," she whispered. "I can't-"

"Help me sit up," he interrupted. When she pulled away questioningly he held a hand out to her. She obliged, reluctantly pulling him up. She wrapped an arm around his middle to support him as he raised the bed. Once he was settled against the pillows and Spencer was sitting Indian style next to him he reached out for her hand again. "Spence, please, _**please** _stop pushing this conversation away. Please. I need to talk to you about this."

A single tear trailed down her cheek, but she nodded. She didn't say anything, she just looked at him. He reached out with a shaky hand to brush the tear away. "You have to see as well as I do that these treatments aren't working. I know you do, and I know you're denying it everyday. But that doesn't do either of us any good."

"You might still make it," she whispered, looking down.

He took her chin in his hand and tilted her face up. "Oh baby, that's not what I'm saying at all. I might. And I'll fight like hell for the chance to grow old with you. But for the first time I can see that it might not happen, you know?"

She nodded. "I'm scared," she admitted.

Her broken voice was almost enough to bring him to tears, but he'd hold on for her. There would be time to cry later. "I am too, but I also think this is good in a way. Because it won't catch you by surprise. It will hurt like hell, I'm sure. But we have time to say goodbye, and-" He closed his eyes and shook his head. How was he supposed to say goodbye to her?

"I don't know how to say goodbye to you," she whispered, echoing his thoughts.

"Come here," he murmured, matching her volume. She crawled across the bed and into his waiting arms, their desperation to be near each other was so intense it was nearly tangible. She pressed her back into his chest and leaned into him. As he wrapped both arms around her shoulders her thin hands found his biceps. "I don't know what the future holds," he admitted. "But whether I'm physically here with you or just with you in spirit I want you to remember one thing. You're never alone, Spencer. I'm always right there with you, no matter what. I love you so much. Death can't be the end, it _won't _be the end. You'll never be alone."

He could hear her crying so he just held her, rocking her gently. That's what's he would want her to do for him. He wouldn't tell her that everything would be okay, because it wouldn't. At least not at first. He wouldn't tell her to move on yet, not when he was still around for her to punch for suggesting it. He wouldn't tell her not to cry, because sometimes that's exactly what you needed to do. He would just hold her.

A thought came to him as he pressed his lips to her glossy hair over and over again. "And Spence?" He waited for her quiet hum of acknowledgement. "There's some money in the drawer on my side of the bed. It's not a ton, but-"

"Are you kidding?"

He shook his head against hers. "There should be a little over $2,000 in there. That, with the life insurance, should be enough to take care of any expenses. So don't worry about things like that, okay?"

"Toby," she murmured, tucking her face into his arm, nuzzling her nose into the muscle. "You know how much I love you, right?"

"I love you too," he replied softly. They were the truest words he had ever spoken.

But Spencer frantically shook her head. "No, no that's not what I'm saying. God, Toby I thought we had forever. I thought we'd be together forever, so I never said it. But we always knew, right? You always knew what you meant to me? You saved me. God, you saved me so many times. When I felt unlovable you made me feel like the most loved person on the planet. When I felt useless you reminded me that you needed me. When I felt ugly you just kissed away my insecurities. And now- Now I-"

"Shhh," he soothed, pulling her in tighter. He wanted to return the sentiments of everything that she had just said, but he couldn't do it. Not right now. Not yet. He'd save it for her letters, because he knew what to say now. He just held her as she cried, whispering quiet words of reassurance into her ears. How she was never alone, that she was so loved, that he would never really leave her.

He wasn't sure how much time passed, but judging by the shadows that crept along the linoleum floor, it had been awhile. But eventually he had been able to sooth her into unconsciousness. The steady rise and fall of her chest comforted him. Because maybe he _was _dying. But she persisted. She would survive, and that was more important. Spencer lived the kind of life that would make an impact on the world, he lived more quietly. Both logically and selfishly, it was better that Spencer lived than him. Not for the first time he thanked God that this was happening to him and not her. Because he would take on a thousand lifetimes of pain rather than watch her go through a single day of this hell.

Their conversation had been hard, but now he knew what he had to do. He took out the recorder that he had shoved under his pillow before Spencer entered the room and flipped it on. "Hey baby," he said softly. "I don't even know what to say to you right now. You're actually asleep right next to me." On top of might have been a better sentiment. He smiled and kissed her hair.

"Listen baby, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I don't have a lot of time left. I can actually feel myself growing weaker. I know that I promised you I would fight, and I will. But it might be a losing battle." It hurt to admit that, and it hurt to know how much he would hurt her. But he could do this for her. It might hurt worse in the short term, but it would help her in the long run. He was sure of it.

"If you're listening to this it means that I didn't make it, and I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much, and please know that if I had any choice in it, any choice at all, that I wouldn't have left you. I would have stayed with you even if I had to live forever like this. A lifetime of pain with you is better than the pain I know it will cause you when I'm gone."

He looked down at her and paused. If this had been her reaction just discussing the possibility then how would she react if he truly died? The mental picture of her grieving at his funeral was nearly enough to make him inconsolable. "So I was thinking to myself-"

"Toby?"

Shit. Shit, he hadn't meant to wake her up. He sat the recorder down on the sheets and wrapped his free arm back around her. "Shhh. Everything's alright. Just go back to sleep."

"But who are you talking too?" She asked him, confused. Her bleary eyes scanned the room for any hidden doctors or nurses.

He was scrambling here. Hopefully she'd be too tired to question him. "Myself. Weren't you the one who told me that all great minds talk to themselves?"

She sank back into him with a tired nod. "I did say that."

He just kept his eyes on her, waiting for the telltale signs that she was asleep. The way she'd always nuzzle her face into him and sigh. Then he'd know she was out of it, that it was safe to continue.

Her tiny hand loosened the grip she had on his shirt and she sighed, turning her face into him. He smiled and picked the recorder back up, feeling in slightly better spirits now. "Interrupting your tape, that is so you Spencer..."

He didn't think too hard about everything else he said. It was mostly declarations of love and pleas for her to call her parents. Because as shitty as they were sometimes, he knew they loved each other fiercely. She would need them in the coming months. He referenced their anniversary, but he figured if he made it past that he could just record something new. If not he would have to think of a new milestone for her to receive her first letter on.

He thought that he was done, but just as he was about to hit end he realized that he had a little more to say. "Never forget how much I love you, Spencer. You're my world. You saved me when I thought I was unsaveable. You loved me when I thought I was unlovable. You're everything, and **_I love_**_ you."_

He pressed the end button, and pulled her close, burying his face in her hair. The tears that had been threatening to fall all day finally broke through, running down his face and pooling on her scalp. Maybe- maybe he finally did something that was worthy of her. Maybe he was finally on the road to saying goodbye.


	19. Chapter 19

**There are three chapters left after this, and it starts to get a little screwy from here. July and August are both in this chapter. September is the next TWO chapters. And then October :'(.**

**There was supposed to be more in August, but I got emotional. And trust me, there will be more than enough tears as this story draws to a close.**

**REVIEW okay? Because you're the only ones that inspire me to write! LOVE YOU ALL!**

Chapter 19

**July**

"I love you," Spencer murmured, pressing her warm lips to his forehead. "I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?"

He barely had the strength to nod, so he just squeezed her hand. "I'll be fine, baby. Take your time." His throat felt like it was on fire, which probably explained the painful rasp that used to be his voice.

She pressed the remote into his hands and never took her pained eyes off of his face. He got it, he really did. After the conversation they had with the doctor last night he wouldn't have wanted to leave her either. But that didn't change the fact that she had to go.

_"Mr. and Mrs. Cavanaugh, this is never easy to hear, but we feel that the treatments are no longer working."_

_He had known it for awhile, but to have it confirmed made his chest burn. He felt himself growing weaker every day. Maybe it would be better to not have the added weakness that was induced by the worthless treatments. Maybe he could gain a little strength back._

_"How do you know?" Spencer persisted. "Maybe-"_

_Dr. Green shook his head. "No, Spencer. We're sure. Trust me, I poured over these results for hours before coming to talk to you. I would never have told you this if I wasn't sure."_

_He swallowed harshly before speaking for himself. "What do we do now?"_

_Dr. Green just looked at him sadly. "We try to make you comfortable and hope something changes."_

"Just watch TV, okay?" Spencer ran a soft hand along his jaw. "I'll be back before you know it."

He knew she was having a hard time. And it was okay. It was understandable. She didn't want to leave him alone, and no one else could come today. But honestly, he was grateful for the solitude. He had to finish her letters before his time ran out. He used all his strength and grabbed her elbows. "Spence, you're shaking."

She just shook her head, meeting her forehead with his. "I swear to God, Toby- if anything happens the one time I leave you alone I'm going to haunt your afterlife."

He didn't blame her for being scared. He just held her until she pulled away. "I'll be back in a few hours. Call me if you even feel a little off."

He nodded. "Go, baby. I love you."

"I love you too," she murmured, kissing his forehead and ducking out the door.

Almost as soon as she was gone a nurse slipped inside in her place. "Mr. Cavanaugh, how are you feeling?"

"Like shit," he freely admitted now that he way alone. He was in constant pain, and he just couldn't think clearly. It's like someone turned half the lights out in his brain.

She gave him a sad look. "I just came up to see if you wanted to go to the art therapy class down the hall? It's supposed to be very soothing, and if at any point it gets too much you can come back up here."

He thought it over. Maybe it would be a good way to spend his free hours. He nodded and let his mind wonder as the nurse helps him down to the class.

_He followed after her. And although his legs were longer than hers he was still having trouble keeping up with her. He ran after her, and when she stopped suddenly he nearly plowed into her. She mumbled something under her breath._

_"I can't hear you Spence, and I'm not sure that you want me too. But if-"_

_She whirled around and threw herself into his arms. "I'm sorry," she whispered into his neck._

_He wasn't prepared for her body slamming into his and almost lost his balance. But he managed to keep her balance and tighten his arms around her. He wished he could be confused as to why she was apologizing, but he wasn't. The harsh words of her parents still rang in his ears. _

_Below you. Worthless. Weak._

_The words were terrible. They were awful, and no one should ever have to hear them. But it wasn't Spencer's fault. And he loved her more than it hurt. "It's not your fault, Spencer." They would never like him, and they never would._

_She just shook her head, her tears soaking through his shirt and onto his skin. "No," he breathed, gently pushing her away and taking her face in his hands. He wiped her tears away with a swipe of his thumb. "No, don't cry."_

_"I'll never get how someone could not see how wonderful you are," she murmured, leaning into his hands. "but I promise you that I'll spend the rest of my life reminding you of it. I love you. **I love you.**"_

_He just held her tightly, rocking her gently back and forth. The same went for her, but if he said that now she'd do nothing but deny it. "I love you too."_

He settled in his wheel chair in front of the easel, the eccentric looking man at the front of the room surveying the bevy of sick people in front of him. "I know you may be accustomed to being treated as invalids in the real world, but that's not how it goes in here."

Toby smiled. His attitude was actually refreshing. There was nothing good about being treated as incapable. He was weaker, sure. But he could still do some things.

"You're all capable of great and wonderful art, despite your current circumstances. Although I recognize that those current circumstances make things difficult. So what I want you to do is to paint something that makes you happy. Something that takes you back to a better time, whether that might be an event, a person, or a place."

It took him a minute, because even though he was dying, even though his life was nearing its end, he still felt so incredibly lucky. There was so much good in his life, so much happiness, love, and joy. It took him a minute, but then he had an idea. He smiled and closed his eyes, thinking of the exact layout of their spot at Lookout Point. Maybe it was time to get to work on a Christmas present.

**August**

"Toby?"

He blinked a few times, focusing on her face. Her tone suggested this wasn't the first time that she tried to get his attention, but he hadn't heard her before. He had barely heard her this time. It was like her voice was coming from the end of a long tunnel.

She pushed his sweaty hair back and just looked at him for a long moment. "I was just wondering if you wanted me to call and order your lunch?"

"Only if you go get something for yourself right after," her replied immediately and quietly.

"You don't play fair," she laughed, but the stress was still more than obvious behind her eyes. She was so scared, and he didn't blame her. Everything just felt off.

The soft murmuring of her voice on the phone was relaxing in a way that little else was. He leaned back against the pillows and closed his eyes. Everything felt so nice and warm, especially his legs. His legs were so warm. His eyes felt heavy. Maybe he'd finally be able to sleep instead of just laying there in a semi-trans.

_"Please! I know it's nerdy, and I know that it's not really your thing, but no one else will come with me."_

_He laughed. She was begging, but she didn't need too. He couldn't think of a single thing he wouldn't do for her. "Of course I'll come, but I'm not sure that you're going to convince me to dress up as a character."_

_She let out an uncharacteristic squeal and wrapped both arms around his neck. "I love you!" She laughed and grabbed her Harry Potter shirt and her Gryffindor scarf. "But really, I'm so excited to read the book! It's the last one, so I'm going to cry. But oh my God, it's going to be amazing. I have this theory that-"_

_He chuckled and dipped down to press a soft kiss to her lips. She was so cute._

Her hands were back on him now, but this time they were different. They were frantic, but then they were soothing. "-alright, I'll just get a nurse and we can go ahead and get you cleaned up."

He didn't understand. What was she talking about? But as she started to remove the blankets he understood. A huge, foul smelling wet spot was beneath him. He had peed himself. Humiliation nearly overwhelmed him at that point. Was there no level of dignity that he could keep?

He didn't even realize that he was crying until Spencer started to wipe the tears away. "It's okay. It's seriously the exact opposite of a big deal. It'll take two seconds for the nurses to clean up and then you're back in business."

His favorite nurse walked in just after that. Spencer must have hit the call button when he was too focused on the fact that he had just pissed himself like an infant to notice. "What do we have here?" She looked down and nodded, her face neutral. "Spencer, why don't you go grab some food? We'll get him cleaned up and showered while you're gone. You can just pick him up some soup or something while you're down there."

She hesitated, her gentle fingers tracing absentminded patterns on his forearm. But she nodded, probably reading his embarrassment. Spencer had always been able to pick out his emotions with ease. "It's okay," she smiled, reassuring and ducked down to kiss his forehead. "I'll be back in a minute."

He would have told her that he loved her. He would have kissed her back. But he was finding it hard to breath, and he didn't want to make it obvious to her or else she'd never go eat. She kissed the tip of his nose again and left the room. His nurse was talking to him, but he didn't hear anything. He saw her lips moving, but it was like no sound was coming out.

His eyes were so heavy. Had someone attached weights to his eyelids, because he wouldn't be able to keep them open for another second. A loud rushing noise filled his ears as his eyes shut completely.

* * *

><p><em>Beep, beep, beep.<em>

It felt like no time had passed since he shut his eyes, but he felt different. He wasn't sure how, but he didn't.

"Just open your eyes. Please Toby, I'm not ready for you to leave me. I can't. You can't leave me."

His heart ached at her tear filled voice. All he wanted to do was to get up and hold her. To kiss away her tears. But he couldn't even open his eyes.

"Please Toby. _Please._"

He put all of his strength into the singular goal of opening his eyes. Of seeing her, looking at her. He moaned and pried his eyelids apart.

She noticed immediately, her hands flanking his face and her lips peppering soft kisses across his skin. "Oh my God. Oh my God," she whimpered. "Oh my God, you're okay. You're okay."

"W-what- what happened?" He whispered, his voice burning his tattered vocal chords.

"You stopped breathing," she whispered against the tender skin of his neck. "They thought- We thought-" she cut herself off and buried her face in his shoulder. He didn't have to see her to know she was crying. He could feel their wetness seeping into his skin.

He was running out of time. He draped a limp arm around her torso. "Just lay down, Spencer."

For once, he didn't have to ask her twice. She crawled up on the bed and curled up against him, her entire body trembling. The vibrations traveled from her body into his. "I love you so much," he whispered into her hair. "and even if that was it; even if i had just died, that would never stop. It would never stop, I promise you. I'll always be with you, Spencer."

"You can't leave me," she whimpered. "I can't- I c-can't. Not without y-you."

He had to finish the letters. That was his singular goal, the last thing he had to do. He absolutely refused to go until they were done and he talked to Emily. "Can you hand me that notebook on the table?"

She reached across without question and passed it to him. She didn't ask what it was for, and he was grateful. He never wanted to lie to her. He took the pen into his shaky hands and started to write, hoping that it was legible.

_Spencer,_

_I love you._

He had more to say, but that was the most important part. He would love her forever.


	20. Chapter 20

**Two more chapters!**

**I'm tired, so I'm going to bed. But I wanted to get this up for you first.**

**CHRISTMAS EPISODE?! LOVED IT. But honestly, the Spoby gesture thing was weird. HOT. But weird and a little OOC for them, I think. IF ANYONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT PM ME.**

Chapter 20

**September**

The morning sun was warm on his chilled face. He rolled over, painfully slowly, and tucked his face into Spencer's warm neck, praying that he wouldn't wake her up in the process. She had always been a light sleeper, but anymore it was like a change in the tempo of his breathing could rouse her from her rest. And that was the last thing that he wanted.

She had been so incredible, so strong. But ever since the doctors had suggested bringing him home she had started to slowly unravel. And he truly didn't blame her. Because if he had to watch _her _die slowly and painfully he was positive that he'd handle it worse than she had. Because there wasn't life for him without Spencer. And in his most selfish moments he was glad that he didn't have to watch her suffer like she had been forced to watch him. He was glad he wouldn't have to learn to live without her.

But she didn't wake up. She just shifted closer to him and groaned in her sleep. She was so beautiful. She didn't see it, but she was. Every single piece of her soul was stunning. He could have laid there with her forever. But the faint knocks from the front door signaled that it wasn't meant to be.

His movement hadn't woken her, but the noises certainly did. She groaned and carefully rolled over so she didn't jostle him. "Are you awake?"

"Mhmm," he murmured, not really ready for intelligible conversation.

She brushed his hair back and pressed her lips to his temple. "I'm sure that's the nurse. I'll go let her in, okay?"

He caught her wrist before she could pull away and tugged her back down. "Spence, just- you know that no matter what happens... everything will be okay in the end, right? I promise I'll make it okay for you." He didn't even know why he was saying that. It just spilled out. But judging by the tears in her eyes it was some well-timed word vomit.

She wiped a stray tear away and pressed a soft and gentle kiss to his lips. "I love you," she said slowly and sincerely. She walked away before he could return the words, and he immediately felt her absence. He never wanted her to leave, but he was glad that she was going tonight. Because the look on her face made him even more determined to begin to finalize his plans. There were a stack of letters in a box under his bed, but that wasn't enough. It was time to talk to Emily.

He coughed hard, a spattering of blood painting the fair skin of his arms. He wiped it away quickly, not wanting to worry anyone. It was probably just from the force of his cough.

She was back in just a moment, a frail looking nurse trailing after her. She hovered in the corner while the nurse poked and prodded him with her cold fingers. He just closed his eyes, letting her take care of what she needed to take care of. "How are you feeling today, Mr. Cavanaugh? On a scale from 1 to 10."

He hesitated. It had been awhile since he had honestly assessed his feelings. "Maybe an 8?" He muttered. He was mostly just really tired; exhaustion seeped so deeply into his bones that he wasn't positive he could as much as lift his head from the pillows.

Spencer's face twisted in sadness, and he kind of regretted being honest. But in the long run, if he downplayed how it was it would be infinitely harder for her to move on. The woman gave her a few injections before smiling fondly and leaving. It only took a second for Spencer to take her place next to him. "Em should be here any minute."

He just nodded. His throat ached and he felt his eyes drifting shut. But he fought it. This might be his last chance to finish the letters. He just had one to go. He only had to finish the letter to go with her Christmas present and he was done. Spencer was leaving him less and less, and if he didn't get it done he might never finish it.

She brushed her hand over his hair and held his head against her chest. "I love you," she murmured, her words being punctuated by a sharp knock on the door. "That must be Em." She kissed his temple before pulling away again.

He was so torn right now. Because Spencer was the only one that made him feel comfortable... safe... but he also knew that the only way that he could make sure that _she _felt safe and comfortable would be if she left him for awhile._  
><em>

_She was working hard, too hard. He could see it in the haggard set of her shoulders and the heavy bags under her eyes. She had always been singular in her focus, but this was just too much. She needed to take a break._

_"Spence?" He kept his voice quiet and calm. Because in all honesty, she bore closer resemblance to a skittish deer than anything right now. He didn't want to scare her._

_But she still practically jumped out of her skin. When she saw that it was him she relaxed, but she didn't shut the book that probably weighed as much as she did. "Hey," she muttered._

_He sat down across from her and took her hand over the table. Her small hand fit so perfectly in his. But she tugged on it, trying to get free. "I'm glad you're here, but I need to study, so maybe it's not the best time."_

_He looked down at the table so she didn't see how much that hurt. "Spence, are we okay?" It just felt like she was pushing him away._

_She whipped her head up and looked at him with her piercing brown eyes. "Toby," she breathed, taking his hand back. "We'll always be okay. **Always. **I just get a little lost in my head sometimes. But you know that you can always bring me back."_

Her lips on his forehead brought him back from the memories. "You heading out?"

"Mhmm," she hummed. "I'll be back in a couple hours, okay? Call me if you need me to come back."

"I'll be fine," he whispered. Because there wasn't a higher power that was cruel enough to take him away while she wasn't there. It just wouldn't happen. "Will you pick me up some ice cream while you're out?" He asked her, not because he really needed ice cream but because he knew she would appreciate feeling needed.

She smiled and nodded. "I'll be back soon. I love you."

"Love you," he tilted his head to press a kiss to her wrist.

And with that Emily and Spencer traded spots so quickly that it was like magic. Emily sat on the edge of his bed, smiling in the soft way that only Emily could. "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm here. I'll let you rest though."

He quickly shook his head. "No, hold on Em. I need to talk to you."

"Okay," she said softly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, maybe-" he really didn't know how she'd react to this. If she said no he could ask Hanna, but he knew that it would work better with Emily.

"Just tell me what's going on," she suggested quietly.

He nodded. He didn't know how to say this. "I'm dying, Em." Bluntness was probably for the best. It's not like she didn't know.

"Maybe not," she replied earnestly. "maybe you'll be okay."

He just shook his head. Why did everyone try to counteract that with statements of reassurance? He knew what he was feeling. "No, Em. I can literally feel it happening. I'll still fight. I'll fight like hell, but- I just don't think it's a fight that I'm going to win."

"What are you wanting from me, Toby?" She asked him, not unkindly. She had always been perceptive.

"It's- My death isn't going to be easy on Spencer," he was near tears even thinking about it. "I've been writing her letters, things that she's going to need to hear, reminding her of how much I love her."

The reluctance on her face was worrying him. She had to do this He _needed _her to agree to this. "I just need someone to agree to send the letters. She'll need them, Em. I just- I can't even imagine losing her, and to know that I'm going to put her through that pain? It literally kills me. And this will help. I know that it will."

Her face looked pinched. "What happens when the letters run out?"

He had thought about that. And he just had to hope that Spencer was strong enough to push through that. She'd be okay. She'd just need a little bit of help. "She'll be okay. She just need a little help. **_Please,_**Em."

Her reluctance slowly softened. She nodded, and he had never felt so grateful to anyone in his life. "Thank you," he whispered, leaning back against his pillows, completely exhausted. "Thank you."

* * *

><p>He tossed a crumbled up piece of paper to the ground with a loud groan. How was he supposed to do this? This was the last letter that he had to write, and he didn't know how to write it. Spencer transformed his whole life, and he needed to make sure that his death didn't ruin her. He needed to help her find a reason to move on. But how?<p>

"Toby, are you alright?"

He just shook his head helplessly, for the second time that day finding himself near tears. "This is the last one, Em. The last one, and I don't know how to write it. I don't know what to say."

"Maybe that's the problem," she suggested gently. "Maybe you _shouldn't _write it. Maybe you should say it."

He was confused until he wasn't. He smiled softly. "Can you grab me the recorder out of the closet?"

She nodded and passed it to him. He nearly dropped it between his trembling fingers, but he managed to hang onto it. This was too important. "Em? Do you mind-"_  
><em>

She just smiled and slid through the door. He wasn't trying to kick her out, but he felt that maybe Spencer should be the one to hear the words he had to say first. He took a deep, ragged breath and turned on the tape recorder. It always ended up better if he didn't think about it too much. "Hey baby, I bet you thought that you heard the last from me. And I'm sorry about that. I didn't even know I was going to record this. I had a letter written for you, but then I realized that I needed to do this. This is as much for me as it is for you. Because I have some things that I have to tell you. Things that are better said than written. Things that you need to hear. And the first is, don't be afraid to move on."

All that he wanted was for her to be happy. The thought of her with another guy stung, but if that's what she needed he would never even consider trying to stand in the way of that. The rest of his words flowed like they never could have in a letter. Emily was right. This was definitely the way to go, the way to say goodbye.

Because he felt it. He felt it with every single breath that he took. His time was running out. His life was coming to a close, but hers wasn't. And the only way that he could make it okay for her was if he did this, if he said goodbye.


End file.
